Follow the _Four Day Win_ plan, noting my thoughts and experiences as I go

why not put this here? I miss the good ol’ 4DW days and this is body related.

Last night, before going to bed, I did some intuitive movement. Basically, I centered myself in my body, did some deep breathing and then let my body move as it wished. For me, this works if I’m still and wait with non-expectant curiosity to see what my body does. There was a lot of very slow changing of weight from one leg to the other, with a very specific rolling hip movement. I finally asked my body if it wanted to lie down. Walking to the bed was interesting. It felt as if my body was moving without my brain being involved.

I sat on the end of the bed, then ended up on my back. My head started turning to the left, very slowly. The sound of my hair moving against the comforter sounded like raindrops. I got lost in the sound. It felt as if my muscles weren’t working at all and seemed to take a loooong time before I was still again. I laid there until it seemed time to turn my whole body to the side and go to sleep.

Getting dressed this morning, I saw my body from the side while wearing nothing but panties and thought, “This is the body you worry about?” I looked nothing less than exquisite. It gave me a glow that’s lasted all day.

I’ve been slacking of late – as soon as I make a comment about it going well, I take my eye of the ball just a bit too much! And no coincidence that I’ve not been 4DW’ing, either. Started with a muffin – well, it was with a friend, you can’t deny yourself everything, your body will go into starvation mode! Then I got stuck late at work, and it was crisps and an extra latte to keep me going; then being out at awkward times, and just “I’m tired” and all rules out the window!

It probably would have been a very good few days to do the ‘food mood brood’ journalling, but I’m going to skip ahead now to challenging my ‘reasons’ for some of the past few days’ indulgences.

Ridiculously easy daily goal: Each day for the next 4 days, I’ll write down things I’ve eaten when not hungry. I’ll sit with the memory until I can identify the thought that triggered the eating. Then I’ll think of at least one reason, no matter how far-fetched, that my triggering thought may not always be so.

Small daily reward:

Slightly larger 4-day reward:

• Day 1: Saturday 4th April I fear going hungry later, so I’ll eat something ‘to keep me going’. In truth, the human body can go without food for days, never mind having lunch an hour late!
• Day 2: Sunday 5th April “It needs used”. Does it? Is eating it when I’m not hungry really less of a waste than chucking it out?
• Day 3: Monday 6th April “It’s time to eat.” Yeah, but am I hungry?
• Day 4: Tuesday 7th April “Oh, gawd, I am SO tired! Food – sugar! – will give me the energy I need!”. Urm, no. Sleep and only sleep will help.

Been slacking badly on the rewards – must try harder!

I’m not stranger to gratitude journals, and according to MBeck, “the opposite of fat is love”. The 4-day win exercise seems to just be general stuff, but before that the recommendation is to pick 3 people: someone you like, someone you don’t much like, and someone you really hate! Hmm, might give that a go – but I’m definitely not telling the person in question what I write!!

Ridiculously easy daily goal: Each day for the next 4 days, I’ll write down 15 things I appreciate, or for which I am grateful.

Small daily reward:

Slightly larger 4-day reward: baths are always good, if I don’t think of anything else!

• Day 1: Thursday 26th March done, reward – snuggling up in bed with book
• Day 2: Friday 27th March done, reward postponed ‘til following morning but done
• Day 3: Saturday 28th March done, plus reward
• Day 4: Sunday 29th March done, plus reward

Ironically, I’d only just skipped this binge 4DW – I’m not a big food binger. And then yesterday I displayed every sign of this behaviour (is it coincidence that it happens just after I set up the anti goal?), just, not with food! And like food problems, I cannot just give up and go cold turkey on the ‘pooter: I did think about doing that today, just not even letting myself switch on, but that’s not even useful and would likely just make the whole thing worse in my head. So here I am, sorting through my headspace about it all!

And with excellent timing, that was the quote at the top of the page when I started reading this morning: “Learn from the past – don’t wear it like a yoke around your neck.”

So yesterday was a write off, but – it was kinda fun at the time. And having a non-study/particularly productive day of a weekend just puts me with 90% of the rest of the population, after all! The trick is to not dwell on it so much that I ruin today, too. And as a final plus – it gives me good source material for this 4DW!

Ridiculously easy daily goal: Each day for the next 4 days, I’ll revisit a time I (overate/binged otherwise) or felt out of control of my (eating/behaviour). I’ll persist until I can relax throughout the entire memory.

Small daily reward: TV time, I think – ‘net time is probably a bit too… with this one!

Slightly larger 4-day reward: bath sounds good!

Day 1: Sat 21st March done, plus reward – watching Lost
Day 2: Sun 22nd March done, plus reward – foot massage
Day 2.5: Mon 23rd March kind of – suppose more of a ‘holding’ day – no reward
Day 3: Tue 24th March done, sort-of reward
Day 4: Wed 25th March done, plus reward – bath :)

This one requires a bit of prep, in thinking up ten “treasure chest” moments, then developing ‘thick’ (ie very detailed using as many senses as possible) descriptions. Fans of NLP might recognise the anchoring (?) of squeezing your pinky while (re)creating positive memories – the theory being that you can in future just squeeze your finger and end up in much the same mental state, quicker!

1. Kelso and the sound of pigeons
2. Hot baths
3. Snuggling up in bed with book I can’t put down!
4. Flower fairies
5. Post-cinema daze
6. Aberdeen happies
7. Walks with Kali – and the pinecones! :)
8. Italy/Florence
9. All-consuming crafting sessions
10. The anti-burgling fridge fill up :)

“Learn to Return” 4-Day Win

Ridiculously easy daily goal: Each day for the next 4 days, I’ll spend 10 minutes deliberately replaying postive memories in great detail, while breathing deeply and squeezing my left pinky finger in my right hand.

Small daily reward:

Slightly larger 4-day reward:

Day 1: Sat 21st March done, plus reward I can’t even remember – oops!
Day 2: Sun 22nd March done; bit late for reward
Day 2.5: Mon 23rd March a little bit, as I was falling asleep. No reward
Day 3: Tue 24th March done, sort-of reward
Day 4: Wed 25th March done, joint reward of bath :)

Apparently my Dictator is an olde-time school marm, severe bun, wire-rimmed specs and everything – oh, for some drawing skillz! :) I struggled a bit more with the Wild Child, as the little feral soul was too child-like and playful, and it was tough not to see this as a side to be indulged – which isn’t the point. I think perhaps I need to revisualise that side as something a bit more impish…
I really liked Martha’s suggested mantra to each side: “May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering”. That last made me tear up. I’m sensing a theme here – I just hope it’s a sign of good progress!

“Becoming the Watcher” 4-Day Win

Ridiculously easy daily goal: each day for the next 4 days, I’ll visualise my Dictator and Wild Child sides, one in each hand. I’ll offer them compassion until I can feel that I’m not either one of them.

Small daily reward:

Slightly larger 4-day reward:

Day 1: Wednesday 11th March done, plus reward – sort of a joint one with the previous 4DW, but it involved hot baths, reading and snuggling up early, so all good!
Day 2: Thursday 12th March done, small reward of a foot massage
Day 3: Friday 13th March done, better foot massage!
Day 4: Saturday 14th March done – was going for a Lost marathon, but decided I’d rather go snuggle up in bed early :)

I said before, this was an exercise that actually really appealed to me, on both attempts (so far!) of following 4DW – perhaps it helps that I’m a fan of meditation, and 10 minutes repeating body-soothing affirmations also hit my meditation-in-general aims.

I’m also definitely much more ‘in’ to the programme this time, more in that frame of mind to accept such things as valid and worthwhile rather than a bit weird. Case in point: reading forwards last night I not only really want to do the non-dominant hand ‘conversation’ (an exercise I mocked first time ‘round!) but found myself attempting to hold the dual conversation mentally – and sort of getting something out of it, too! I also moved on to the Dictator/Wild Child envisioning, and found myself tearing up a bit. So strange!

Anyway, back to body whispering. Last night saw me back where I started – in the bath! – which seems to work much better for me. The first night was quite good, last night was quite good (although I was sleepy to begin with, so reaching a state of relaxation wasn’t so hard!); however, night 2 (or 3, since the second actual attempt was more of a short placeholder) was a bit of a nightmare.

Re-reading the chapter in the book, Martha does say you need to be in a place of safety – physically and psychologically. I think I was a bit tired and strained on my second attempt, as I ended up quite upset. I don’t want to rehash what went through my head, but it was like lancing a boil: I’m glad it happened, as I think I discovered a few unsuspected resistances to losing weight.

All in all, I’m amazed at myself for buying into books like this, into self-help type ‘stuff’ in general. I was always such the cynic: to find that there are layers of thought in my brain I genuine wasn’t that aware of is quite a shock! It also makes me hugely cheer the phrase, “The unexamined life is not worth living” – I really feel like I’ve been skating on the surface of ‘me’ and also that that just doesn’t really work. I’m operating on so many more levels than I’ve been aware of, and I love the idea of having everything working together, instead of life being one huge fight with myself!!

I should point out that there is still a part of me shaking my head and knowing I sound like some spaced-out, new-age hippy or something! O.o Really, it’s all good!!

I’m not done with the body whispering yet, but I think I’ll continue it while moving my reward-driven 4DW on to the Watcher, having started last night.

Just a list for my own reference:

1. “My first” 4DW
2. Jump Start
3. Pre-Contemplative Reading
4. Checking For Unconscious Resistance to Weight Loss
5. Observing Famine Brain
6. Body Whispering, or the 10-minute ‘Vacation from Predation’.
7. Non-dominant Hand

1. Becoming the Watcher
2. Learn to Return
3. Beating the Binge Monster
4. Ruthlessly Exploiting Appreciation and Gratitude
5. Food-Mood-Brood Journal
6. Not Always So
7. Permanently Helpless Dalmation Reptile

It was one of those days, really. Started well, I thought, with toast and banana and yogurt keeping me satisfied ‘til lunch. Alas, lunch was then (a) disappointing, and (b) not very healthy – and it was down from there!

On the plus side, I threw half a doughnut away rather than eat it when I didn’t want to – great lesson! Later, I was craving… something. Chocolate, probably! But instead I really looked at why I wanted to nibble – and discovered not only was I not hungry in the slightest, but the thought of food was actually bleugh (‘cos I was full!).

I’ve been picking quite a bit this evening, but I’ve been doing it through what at least feels like hunger. I’m not trying to starve myself slim, after all – and I’ve picked some fairly decent choices. _{until the chocolate. Bugger}

Think the lesson is that a poor start can often lead into a downward spiral.

aka Body Whispering.

I remember this bit resonating with me last time I started reading this book, and it got me again today. I don’t know what I’m doing differently this time – if anything, suppose it’s still to be proved with action/results! – but somehow it all clicks so much more; result of connecting with North Star already? Just in a better place understanding myself? Or just that bit older, wiser, and more fed up with never following through?

• “My first” 4DW (no specifications)
• Jump Start – I read these bits, and I guess I am attempting the 4 days at minus 100 cals, but not with the rewards structure as such.
• Pre-Contemplative Reading – 4 days? I just read it in the bath!
• Checking for Unconscious Resistance – well, just did day one! My score was 6/20 for today. Urm, reward for just that? How ‘bout that I got to keep reading?!
• Observing Famine Brain – been vaguely doing a bit of this since picking the book up again, from reading the Jump Start.
• Body Whispering, or the 10-minute ‘Vacation from Predation’.

Okay, so this involves finding a quiet, safe place, preferably with no food associations (ie somewhere you don’t eat). Urm… well, here I am in the bath, which is safe, warm, soothing, and not somewhere I take food! Perfect! The theory is that your body/’prey animal self’ (wild child/essential self?) reacts like an unbroken horse to a predator-like human (your willpower-driven, diet-insisting, ‘social’ self): it runs scared, basically. As soon as your higher brain decides to start starving yourself into thinness, that inner horse panics, rears, and runs straight for the nearest binge opportunity! Sure, you can enforce your will against this, but that means you’re spending a heck of a lot of energy fighting yourself into misery.

The exercise is to relax in that safe place, focus on breathing, and use one of the statements Martha suggests: calming, soothing words such as “It’s alright to rest”, “Everything is okay”, “My body has suffered a lot; it deserves understanding, not cruelty”.

Wow, did it all click with me. Somewhere between reading and ‘internalising’ those last two I actually welled-up with tears – a common response, apparently. And my god, but it’s so true. I’m not long after major stress, surgery, a slow recovery, another hugely stressful shock, and… and now, immediately from all that, I’m beating myself for being fat and lazy and lacking willpower!? Come on!!

It doesn’t stop there: beating myself up seems to be one of my common hobbies, even when consciously I’m telling myself it’s all okay: I say it, but I still berate myself for not getting 14 billion things done, for not studying enough, for leaving that birthday card to the last minute and then doing my usual rush job.

Woah. And again: woah! Another of the affirmations is, “If I never changed a thing, the world would keep revolving” – and it will, y’know. And it’d be okay: I’d be alive, (relatively) healthy, educated, employed, financially secure, etc etc. I’ve accomplished a lot – most of the basics! – and life just as it is right now is not really that awful.

So my weight is higher than I want: often I curse the unfairness, that I don’t eat takeaway every night, etc, to ‘deserve’ to be overweight. BUT: hey! I don’t eat takeaway every night! In fact, I cook, I eat veggies, I dislike grease. Forget ‘unfair’ – celebrate that I’m not actually doing so badly! Okay, so there are no easy fixes from dropping awful habits, but there are no awful habits – just a bit too much fondness for chocolates, perhaps?

Studying… I beat myself up over this constantly. I resist at every step of the bloddy way – then I push, and push. More woahs: my inner horse [I actually was born in the year of the horse, so this perhaps doesn’t sound as weird to me as it is!] is scared – scared of failure, scared of feeling stupid, scared just of exams in general. And so it shies away from the thing that would most help – studying. I can understand this.

And the card? So what if it’s not perfect?! Yes, I’d love to spend more time, feel like I’m really working to the higher standards I want to hold myself to – but at the end of the day it’s just not important. I have made a card, it’s not ugly, the thought really does count. One day I’ll feel ready to expand my skills, and spend hours on something fiddly. When I get there, great! Otherwise – have fun!

I lay in the bath, breathing and telling myself it was all okay, that I deserved kindness – from myself, above all. That life is good, and that I can pursue the things I want to without them being some massive struggle. Stop nagging and berating and pushing, and instead figure out how to work with myself and my nature and my fears and everything else, and get things done more happily.

And you thought this was about losing weight!

“Body Whispering” 4-Day Win

Ridiculously easy daily goal: each day for the next 4 days, I’ll spend 10 minutes in a place where my prey-animal self feels safe. While I’m there, I’ll think supportive thoughts, not attacking ones, until I feel a relaxation response.

Small daily reward: at least five minutes of body pampering, eg foot massage

Slightly larger 4-day reward:

Day 1: Sat 7th May done, plus reward
Day x: Sun 8th May not really, and definitely not 10 mins
Day 2: Mon 9th May done, plus reward
Day 3: Tues 10th May done, sort-of reward
Day 4: Wed 11th May done, plus reward