accept the fact that I'm more likely to be struck by lightning...

A reminder from SWAZ made me realise that probably this is one goal that’s ready to be marked “Done”. It’s amazing how so much has changed within a few days. It’s not even a week but I feel like a new person. It’s scary and exciting. I don’t want this feeling to stop. But I wonder if I’m truly ready to give up some of my old die-hard habits.

The ESQ 165 training that I attended made me realise how I’ve been neglecting my spirituality all these years. I was ashamed and deeply saddened thinking how unfair and ungrateful I’ve been to my Creator. And even more than that, how I’ve turned my back on His unconditional love and blessings.

It’s hard going into details though inside I feel like bursting. There’s so much to share but I am also afraid that I might confuse others and instead, scare them into thinking I’ve been possessed or lost my mind altogether. But in short, I’ll say this. I finally understand that it is God’s love that I’ve been looking for all this while.

When I feel such joyfulness staring into a night sky flooded with stars, or when a blue sky gets me all teary-eyed. When I am stopped in my tracks marveling at how everything seems so clean after the rain. It is God and His infinite grace that touched my soul. It is His forgiveness and acceptance that makes me whole.

I am grateful lightning never struck me. Otherwise, I might never know this serenity that washes over me and allows me to start anew.

I had a long chat with Jed about love, marriage and commitment. It was not a romantic discussion, more like a social discourse and an exchange of opinions.

We talked about a lot of things, but one thing that stood out clearly, at least to me, was the fact that I am not ready. And that is because to be perfectly honest with myself, the right person has not come along.

I don’t think I am choosy. I don’t believe I have commitment issues. The heart of the matter is simply that I have not found the one I want to commit my whole life to. When it happens, I will know. And I will seize the moment and make that commitment. That day, nothing will matter. Not my hang-ups, not my need for space, not my history. Only the present and the future that lies ahead.

I don’t know when it will happen. And until that day, I’m sure I’ll slip into my insecurities and bemoan my singleton fate. But to realise this today was an insight worth holding on to. It’s reassuring to know I have not become a complete cynic where love is concerned.

He answers my call on the second ring. He replies my text within 2 minutes. Anywhere I go, whatever I feel like doing, he’s all set and ready. He makes me laugh and we have fun making fun of other people, nothing mean or anything like that, just harmless fun.

He’s smart but talks too much. He’s funny but his life is quite sad. We take turns reminding each other that life is bearable when you have good company. Suddenly, accidentally and unintentionally, I found myself a new BFF.

..thanks to someone who’s turning out to be such good company. I doubt that it will develop beyond friendship but for now, this is good enough.

..is all we have when we try to see what isn’t really there, because the alternative is just too painful to bear.

Faith is all that keeps me from going under, sliding deeper into that bottomless pit of despair.

Faith is what keeps me alive and living for tomorrow when today is the same as yesterday.

Faith is me telling myself, “I am worthy.”

..on BSG. I really don’t want to have to work too hard at this. His lack of initiative disappoints me. :-(

..to me recently, i am too young to give up on love. But some days, i just dont see it happening to me.

Bookstore guy is now lukewarm, i dont feel like nudging him to gauge his interest level. I dont want to try too hard. Its about time he shows more initiative.

Life keeps me busy. Helps keep loneliness at bay. It doesnt leave me in despair anymore. I take better care of myself. My family and friends give me the support that i need.

The trick is to keep breathing…

..to give this a decent try.

Gonna see if Bookstore Guy is keen to meet tomorrow. Gonna pass him his CDs and he can pass me my Coelho book. :)

..has been really sweet. He’d text me almost everyday and today he told me that he bought Coelho’s latest book for me, The Witch of Portobello.

This needs getting used to.. :)

..I’m currently not fit for any human contact, let alone a proper date.. :(

I just need to sleep..!