practise the art of restrain

..it helps to think before speaking. Though I still take a gamble every now and then just to keep things exciting. :)

...I have a problem keeping it to myself. All my thoughts go back to that thing or person and I feel the need to talk about it to friends and get an opinion or two.

But I realise that perhaps, this is what I meant when I adopted this goal. Everything I say may someday be used against me. And like I keep telling myself, again and again, feelings are fleeting. Who knows how I’ll feel come tomorrow or next week? Going on a high about something will most definitely make coming down harder than it should be.

So I find myself at that familiar junction. Do I pursue this and enjoy the moment and not care what happens next? Can I trust myself enough so that when I do talk about it, I don’t start gushing like an infatuated teen? What will it take to practise some restrain so that I won’t go to pieces when this all blows over?

But at the back of my mind, I ask myself, what do I fear? Why do I need to be in control so much? If he’s game, why not? It’s only conversation, we’re not talking anything beyond coffee here. So what if I feel giddy with anticipation each time I think about him. I’m single, unattached and independent. There’s no rule out there that prevents me from pursuing this, and by this, I don’t mean anything serious or has long-term consequences.

I want to live in the moment. I want to feel this for what it is. The excitement of discovering someone new. Restraint is good and fine, but dammit, I feel like I need to come up for air. It has been far, far too long since I last felt this way.

..the kind of stuff that comes out of my mouth when I’m feeling somewhat unrestrained can be potentially fatal!

^{Pray that he has a short memory!}

I erred on the side of caution and gave someone some advice. He is in love with someone he can’t have. I know the feeling and I know how this ends. As I told him, I lived on the fragile promise of the impossible for 3 years.

Just hearing him tell me about it reminds me of that dark chapter in my life. So despite my best effort not to meddle, I tried to convince him on the best course of action. But I don’t think he is ready for it. While I suspect he agrees with the validity of my advice, I know he will not take it up. And it hurts me knowing he will be suffering for this.

I wish I could be truly honest without fearing the consequences. I know (and I tell myself this all the time) it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Nonetheless, to more discerning individuals, this probably makes only minimal difference.

I had a chat with someone and I believe he was being as honest to me as he could possibly be. He said a few things that kinda shook me, throwing cold water at my face so to speak. It was hard swallowing his words and they stayed in my mind hours after that (it has already been almost 12 hours since then).

I’m mulling this over, as I usually do. I know I must remain objective. I am also aware that at the end of the day, I have to be true to myself before I can be true to others. The moment I cannot bear my own reflection is the acid test that will tell me whether I should pursue this line of work. I cannot make everyone happy, and I know I need to stop worry about this once and for all. As usual, it is easier said than done.

..revealed that my emotional restraint is almost non-existent. This distressed me greatly for my current role requires loads and loads of restrain. One needs to be calm and proactive, instead of edgy and reactive, at all times.

• Speak slowly, but think fast
• Refrain from extremes (e.g. do not laugh like a mad banshee or wear my heart on my sleeve/or my face too often)
• Choose my words carefully
• Maintain a constant tone when speaking, not exactly monotonous but close enough

Honestly, it’s not in my nature. But I find that I have better peace of mind knowing I am able to control my temperament, instead of the other way around.

..it eludes me today. I end up saying words that sounded quite harsh. And I violated one of my rules.. to be loyal to the absent. I feel pretty bad actually. This one needs more work.

.. making choices that prioritizes the importance of rest.

I originally had plans to go see the latest Harry Porter movie with S, but I’ve been so busy lately, I know I needed to slow down. Else come Sunday evening, I’ll be so hung up knowing I could’ve rest but didn’t.. causing Monday morning to be a very blah one.

I was out today for the graduation rehearsal and briefing. That led to lunch and a short shopping trip with a friend. I got home really exhausted and all I could think of was.. I can’t do this tomorrow.

Luckily S understands and he happens to be preoccupied with something himself. Plus I doubt he’s that excited to catch Harry Porter on the big screen. ;)

..is an art I am yet to learn, let alone master.

I’ve been very irritable lately. And it doesn’t help that one of my colleagues wind me up incessantly with his crazy antics, even if they’re harmless.

I am not one to be quiet. I give back as good as I get. But it also drains me out.

Seriously, I should just shut up when the only thought in my head is a comeback line dripping with sarcasm.

That was how long it took before this crazy dam of restrain began to crack. I said crack, but I’m not coming undone. Not just yet.