Someday, I’ll adopt a child. When I feel the time is right. I can’t really explain why I want to do this; I just know I want to. 2 months ago

I have been thinking about this for the last five years. Really asking myself some hard questions about why I really want to raise a child, why now, whether I’m ready or fit…I can confidently say this is not some ticking time-clock (or whatever people call it) thing, as I have always known I wanted to be a mother more so than I had a clear vision of being a wife. I just didn’t know how my life story would play out (and the wife thing has never come up, so for sure the mother thing never went away).

I used to have these vivid “dreams” throughout my twenties of a child who I clearly knew to be my child, approaching me. I knew his face, his voice. I would kneel down, and hug the child (who was always the same little boy), and I would hear him say, “When do I get to come stay with you”. It always upset me, but really I was too young to be thinking about having children. So, I brushed it off as my brain making reference to my own inner child.

I stopped having that reoccurring dream. But, the hope of being blessed with the role as mother never went away. I just put it away in a safe spot. I really never talk about it with people, and holding other people’s children is a beautiful thing, but an awkward one too.

Well, I have started to do more doing than thinking. Looking into public versus private adoption. Costs, resources, and options. I have been making connections with people who have experience with children in the public system (ie., foster parents), and I want to arrange a meeting with a Child Services worker to get an idea of the likelihood of me even meeting their requirements. To that end, also speaking with several private agencies particularly those who cater to teen parents making the adoption choice.

My friend asked me why I didn’t just have a baby on my own. And, to be honest, it was one of the questions that I had to ask myself when I first started thinking about having a child. Well, something about being inseminated by someone whom I or my child will never know seems…???...well, it just didn’t seem to sit well with me. It didn’t feel like the right choice for me.

Well, I have been faced with many unplanned and unexpected journeys of late. My journey along side my father during his illness has been a hard one. But, this journey is also a scary one for me. I guess it’s like many things we fear, it makes us feel vulnerable. But, I think I am still motivated to take these first steps determined to see the process through.

I’m not sure how this will play out, but I’ve said the words out loud (at least typed them) , and that’s a step … 7 months ago