stop getting back together with my ex

after 4 years of being with my ex, and then another year of talking about getting back together with him…
i’ve now had enough time away from him, and managing not to see him or talk to him (for almost another year)that i can feel confident and happy about my decision to neither be with him or get back together with him.
i’m able to move on and start something new without him constantly interupting something that may evolve into someone/thing i could care for.

it’s been 2 days that we have not had any contact. every time i say i am never going to talk to him again, i get into one of my moods where i cant get out of bed and i cant see bc i’ve been crying nonstop and i need him. i am in one of those moods (sitting in my bed with my laptop as i write) but i have not called him. why is it different this time? bc he told me i was the reason he fucked jana. i made him do it. i forced his small dick into her loose pussy. yep. it was me. fuck urself asshole. i will cry an ocean and still not want u here to comfort me. (did he ever really? or was it just a warm body that reminded me that i could have someone…. doesnt matter WHO, but someone)

sometimes i feel like i keep him around b/c i love him. other times i think i just keep him around b/c i need him and not emotionally. money wise and taking over my lease wise. i really want to go to ny. i really really really really really really want to and in order to do that i need extra money and someone to take over my lease… and he’s offering both.

I had a 20 year on and off relationship that sucked the juice out of me. We were crazy together and there was never any PEACE. Who needs that? If you want a hot cup of tea, you gotta empty the cup (of cold old tea). Once I ended this relationship I was able to get on with a saner more peaceful life… also, I was eventually able to have a (grown-up) relationship with a saner more peaceful person… and in turn fell sanely in love. It can happen.

And when I had to get a protective order against him, I knew that he would never change.

it helped me figure out who i am without him. i appreciate him so much more now… and i’m not really happy without him but i’ve learned more about what i want out of life.

so… he’s in a bad mood b/c he makes bad decisions and doesnt do anything about it and i am doing things with my life despite the issues that i have. i tell him that i got a great job offer at work and i just moved into a new great place and all he can do is talk about he has no money b/c he isnt working and how he hates where he works and he’s not going anywhere. then he tells me he’s going on a bike ride. any other time he told me that, he was with the girl he cheated on me with. so… he’s probably with her. and even if i were to find out… i’d just cry and get back with him… AGAIN. if only i had some self respect to be alone. to not always go back to him.

There is a reason it does not work out, and everytime it doesn’t it increases a feeling of worthlessness that is not accurate.