fall in love with someone that loves me more than I do

How can a truth devastate one’s feelings so bad?

Honesty in a relationship? Is it always imperative? I want Kozaw to be entirely honest with me. But when he does, it feels so bad, it hurts. It hurts to even hear his voice, because I just love him so much and yet I’m hurting bad.

I guess I’m just disappointed with him on many levels. The deception tore me up the most. But, I believe he only did that to make sure that I don’t get hurt.

But, honesty is part and parcel of a relationship. No matter how much the lies seem to shield the person you love initially, those lies would be the eventual adversary in the end.

I just want the truth. After trust is most significant in a relationship isn’t it?

We had our first major fight yesterday night. It made me really sad and depressed. For starters, I’m not even sure what the fight was really about or how it arose. It was like, whoosh! He was mad at me. Maybe I was a little too mean. Like I don’t say sweet things to him, to make him happy. I’m sorry okay?

I know, when time calls for sorries, I seldom rise to the occasion. I know, absurd right? Now, when he’s not even listening to what I have to say, I’m willing to apologize. To say sorry for what I did. Bad judgement and awful timing have always been my closest allies.

I don’t like to fight with him. I just feel all sad inside. And, I can’t focus on the task ahead.

Can he just call me? To tell me everything is alright?

I’m sorry, love. I love you very much.

I know the shit about Kozaw and his ex. But, I’ve come to the absolute conclusion that that was his past, my past and it should not affect me or what we have right now majorly. I should not allow this to affect what we share now, change how strongly I feel about him. I love him alot, and that is that. Nothing would change that.

In addition, the fact that he would be leaving Singapore in early September makes it even harder for me so I really must treasure what we have right now. I love him. Period.

Anyways, he is getting sweeter each day. Like yesterday, he told me straight up that I was the sweetest girlfriend he ever had. I mean, he could be just placating me, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt yeah? After all, what’s a relationship without trust.

Then, he said that he is loving me more and more each day. Pure, unadulterated sweetness. I love him more and more too. And, there you go, almost reaching my goal of loving him more than I love myself. Sheesh. Muacks.

I guess when you forget everything else that surrounds you, you’d realize what’s real even more. And that makes you stay grounded. ♥

Okay. I feel really weird with Kozaw right now.

I mean, I know he had a few girlfriends before, but I’m especially feeling unease with Bell.

Well, for starters, he and Bell did it. You know, sex. Yeah, I know. How? Because me and Kozaw used to be or still are best of friends. I used to look upon him as somewhat a big brother. Operative word, USED TO. Well, he told me alot of stuff, about his exes, or his currents at that time. So I kind of know alot.

I know he had sex with Bell. But I just wasn’t in the know of the frequency. I was really disturbed by not knowing. I was constantly thinking about it. So, yesterday, I asked.

I didn’t know what my reaction would be. I didn’t know if I would be hurt by his answer. I wasn’t even prepared for what he was about to tell me. A huge part of me hoped that he and Bell only did it once.

The question: “How often did you and Bell do it?”

He said, “Faiqah, I’ll answer your question as a friend and not your boyfriend okay?” I guess that was cue for “don’t get angry after what I’m about to say.”

And do you know what his reply to my question was. “Quite often, I guess?”

I was shattered by his reply. I know it would be somewhere along those lines but a girl can hope right? I really was hurt. It felt as if what I shared with him was not special anymore. Like this love we shared had demeaned somehow. I just felt hurt, beyond words.

I ignored some of his calls yesterday. Its like I could not bring myself to talk to him. I just couldn’t. In the end, I answered his calls because, I placed myself in his shoes and I would feel hurt if my boyfriend ignored my calls.

I just think that this revelation placed a whole new perspective to our relationship. I know I might be conservative and all, but I guess its my principals. And, I kept thinking of a lot of what ifs. What ifs this, what ifs that. I know its in the past but its just not the same already. Its just isn’t. And, I don’t know how he can be so blase about this.

I hate this. I love him, but I just don’t know anymore.

I promise I will love Kozaw more than I love myself. Loads more.

I really love him, more than words could ever say. Its like, he can be so near and I’d still miss him. I miss him so much. I haven’t seen him for 2 days already.

But, he can get irritating at times. Like yesterday, when we were talking on the phone, he received a call. So, he said, “Faiqah, call you back in a while okay? I take this call.” Okay, so after awhile, he called back and asked me to guess who called.

And guess who?! His ex-girlfriend, Bell. I don’t understand why she always have to call him from time to time. It just doesn’t make sense. I mean they are friends and all, but still. It doesn’t make sense to me.

So this Bell asked Kozaw how he was, blah, blah. Then, finally she asked him if he was attached now. Then, he said, “Yes, to Faiqah.” And for some unfathomable reason, to me at least, Bell got angry with Kozaw and hung up. Now, that really don’t make sense to me.

Then, Kozaw called me, asking me if should he call her back since she is angry and all. I’m like whatever, man. What about my feelings, dude?! Sheesh. Yeah, call her, since her feelings is more important. Mine is like second priority to you, after all right?

I just don’t understand him. I really don’t.

I love him so much, but why is he doing this to me? I hate it.

I love him to death. LOL totally worth it! Even if it doesn’t last. This is something to never be forgotten.