reveal & indulge the unburdened me

I think I’ve done this.
A lot of this goal was related to my relationship with my partner Robert. We’ve had an up & down time lately but I said the important things that I needed to say. He knows that I love him & that is what really mattered. I’m not scared of talking to him because I’ve learned that our relationship IS strong. This is a huge benefit of having completed this goal.

I will not hold myself back any longer. If there is something that I want to say, do or be, I will do it. There is no sense in living life any other way.

This goal is always linked to some of my others & anything that remains will be covered by those. I’ve written a lot of entries here & I think it has helped a lot. I am glad to have this goal & grateful for all that has come of it.

I am getting better at expressing myself & finding the right moment. Actually last night I didn’t have to say anything, my partner picked up the vibe himself. I felt he was being quite negative towards me which I didn’t appreciate. Hours later he asked if he was annoying me & I explained that I thought it was unnecessary for him to be so ‘snarky’ to me.

I think he is slowly realising that I cannot handle quite so much negativity. I’ve decided to make the conscious decision to remove myself from the situation if it occurs again.

Don’t get me wrong, it is nothing really bad, just a sarcastic attitude that is getting tired & old. It could be a symptom of his ill health lately but he has to know he has to deal with his issues & not just thrust the bad vibes onto me.

Yeah, it’s been a difficult time lately. It is hard to cope with illness (& related financial problems) & relationship problems all at once but things are getting better.

Something else I’ve been doing is listening to & enjoying music that I love that my partner doesn’t necessarily feel the same way about. We do enjoy some of the same stuff but I have a lot of bands that I loved before I knew Robert & that I have not played because I am passive as hell sometimes & don’t want to put anyone else out by ‘tormenting’ them with my taste.

I write this kind of mockingly because I can see the ridiculousness of having done so. Like I’ve said many times in my entries on this goal, I have suppressed myself for so long for silly fears, silly worries that I are not warranted. This covers so many aspects of myself but it feels amazing to set myself free.

& I am sure that I am still valued, hopefully more, by doing so.

My altar of inspiration goal is a part of the decision I made in my last entry to express myself around the house more. I started working on the on the weekend so I have started. I’ve also gone through all of my clippings & pictures that I have saved for use in decoration & rationalised it a bit.

So baby steps but still progress.

In terms of all the upset that has gone on in my relationship lately because of my decision to express myself more openly (NO REGRETS) I think that we are getting back on track. I did kind of sob myself to sleep on Saturday night, feeling a bit down about things but I woke up & had a lovely morning with my lover, re-igniting some intimacy between us. We also had a lovely pizza picnic on Friday night in a playground which was very nice.

My love has been sick for about a week & a half now (maybe more) which makes things very difficult. He is not quite himself & I don’t want to upset him too much when he already feels bad.

There are still things that we need to work on but I think that I am picking up the pieces & becoming more accepting of my partner’s perspective. While it is not something I completely understand, it is something that I can either chose to live with or live without & I’d rather live with it.

I think that I need to do more to express myself around our house.
I’ve been complacent about that.
Almost all of the ‘art’/posters around are Robert’s & I honestly do not like some of it but I compromise. I will start working on this asap.

I changed the layout of our bedroom around already & that seems to have worked well. There seems to be more space & I am hoping more organisation.

So the last few days have been rather difficult.
My partner & I have both been under the weather, he more so than I. For that reason I tried to delay talking to him about my thoughts and feelings. This was possibly bad but I honestly thought that I was doing the best thing by him.

I couldn’t do it any longer, I told him my thoughts.
I told him all the truths of how I love him despite what he does or doesn’t feel about the subject. I told him how for months I’ve held myself back in case our relationship wasn’t real or strong.

He said that he has never had any doubts as to my feelings for him. I said that that was likely because I am much more expressive of my feelings, much more affectionate than he is naturally. He sees love as a drug created biologically by the body & as something he’d rather not live with in a relationship because he thinks that he should behave in a particular way towards me anyway. I find this difficult sometimes & he cannot put into words what he does feel, claiming that words are too feeble.

I have sort of known this, these ideas are what kept me held back for so long. I can tell by the timbre of his voice & the looks in his eyes that he was affected by the whole situation.

I found it necessary two days later to revisit the topic. To emphasise how difficult it is for me to interpret his thoughts without words. He said that he has got much to consider & think about what I have said. Today is our first day apart since all of this (well, until I get home) & we probably have both needed some space. I feel like this can only make us stronger so I will see what happens. He is the one who speaks of being old together & houses & travel so I think that things are okay.

Well, if I thought that this goal was going to get any easier, it’s not!
I’ve recently realised that I am not as ‘unburdened’ as I thought.
Attending a Cure concert this week, meeting random people, getting out of my city, made me realise how I do suppress myself still.
I AM a hopeless romantic – as one should expect from a dedicate Cure fan.
But I’ve denied all of the romantic sides to my nature because of fear.
I thought that I had broken this down but it took a monument of an occasion to make me realise the truth.

Last night I spoke to my partner about how I felt a bit ignored. I came back from the gig & it felt like he didn’t even want to speak to me. Sure he was studying for a test the next morning but 10 minutes would not have hurt.
& then last night I came home & he put on the tv for a few hours, not speaking to me, more to the tv.

I woke up at 3am this morning & thought about all of this off & on until my alarm went off at 5:50.
I thought about it more in the shower.

I am not strong when it comes to expressing myself verbally.
I have come to realise that I need to write to him, to get these thoughts on paper.
Similar times in the past led to break up. I think he felt caged in & like he could not give me what I need.
Maybe it is still the same but I cannot know until we talk about it. A lot of the time I don’t even know what he feels for me.

So I’ve got much more to reveal.

This has been causing problems as well as joy for me.
I’ve had a life-altering experience recently & it is going to change how I interact with my lover. I want things to be different from how they are. I want us to appreciate one another more & to spend more time together with each other as the focus. I don’t know if this is something he can commit to right now as he is rather busy, a short time each day would be nice.

I want to feel more appreciated & honoured.
I don’t want our relationship to fall into one of standardisation & over familiarity, I want it to remain exciting & an important part of our lives.

Yesterday I was in a bit of a grr mood after having a not so grande work day. I certainly got something out of it, a new plan.

I went home & I felt the need to tell R about my day. He said that I had some negative energy around me & that it was making him feel negative too… empathy to the max…

But once I had talked about it & got it off my chest we both agreed that it cleared the air. I am glad that I did talk about it instead of letting it fester inside which could potentially have lead to even worse vibes.

So it is worth speaking about things. I used to hold it in in fear of burdening people but when they can already detect something it is better out.

I have a new plan for this.
I am going to enroll in the degree full time & until then I am going to save enough money so that I do not have to work for the duration if I don’t want to/if I have to spend some time looking for work that will fit around my study without having to worry about my finances.

I feel extremely lucky to be able to put myself in this position. I will have worked a year & a half at something that isn’t really working for me but will allow me to move forward with my goals.

I’m not sure what I will do the following year but that is less important than taking this step now. I would like to complete a Masters year but I have to see how next year goes first, then make a plan.