cope with grief

a friend of mine encouraged me to actually write out all the reasons/traits/stuff for why I left him. In my mind I mentally jog through that stuff when I feel like all I can do is remember the good things (it’s an evil mind trick). So, not in the spirit of blaming or hatred, but just to try to keep my mind grounded in reality…..I listed out the main reasons I left. And they are all damn good reasons! I am relieved and filled with a sense of validation, that yes, I did the right thing. When I feel old pangs of missing things that we did together etc, I’m just going to reference myself back to the state of things and the list that will bring me back into balance. Yes, he had good qualities and I loved him, but it was toxic for me. I will glean learning from this, try to identify my own areas of learning that took me to that place. But he has his path, and I have mine. Our paths came together and now have diverged. I feel good about that.

I was out walking, going to do the stairs, just as I headed down the stairs, there he was, at first I smiled, my instinct was to run to him and hug him….then it dawned on me that I looked like total crap (bad hair day, rash on face, generally looking ill), and he doesn’t want anything to do with me…...so I turned and ran, literallly. then I felt sick to my stomach. Boy the emotions are powerful stuff. this may be a set back of sorts, but also it really does feel over, maybe this will help me get a grip.

I stayed in bed until afternoon, I cried, I read, I wrote, I cried…..finally I left the house and took a two hour hike. Yep, that helped tremendously! Thankfully, I think I’m out of tears for the day and am moving on to eating and watching movies. I’m feeling a bit triumphant at this point!

Friday was an easier day, and Yesterday I was totally in the gutter…..thank god for a new day.

watched this movie again. he and I saw it together in the theater. it made me miss him, or at least miss the happy times, the good memories. It’s a cruel trick of the mind, to go through a phase first of only remembering the bad, then only the good.

it’s predictable I suppose…during the wave of emotion, it feels unbearable! crushing, like it will never end. But of course it does end, and after all that sobbing, I felt relieved, and well, not so sad. I guess it does get it out, and help to go through the feelings. Again, in the morning, things look better, I feel better. I got an email from an old college friend that was super confidence building and just what I needed to wake up to! It reminded me of all my great traits are still inside me, and these feelings are just passing clouds.

it started this afternoon, and it just keeps coming. how am I supposed to have time for this?

it seems to take to absorb each cargo load of information. This last stretch, I’ve been reviewing the new pieces I have, seeing how they shift or clarify the meaning of other pieces, what pieces are still the unexplained outliers.

People are quick to tell me to move on and stop thinking about K. I have thought about a lot of other things in the time since K’s death, though – this hasn’t been an exclusive subject. I think it’s bad advice, too. It’s much better to know the truth to whatever extent is possible. I’m thankful for each bit of additional knowledge I have gained.

that I made of people regarding K’s death. I’d forgotten making that list, but came across it a couple of days ago.

It was very valuable – I know him better than I did when he was alive, strangely.

again, and again, and again, and again, and again….

I hear the click of the latch turning in that door.

^{and I do not know what is on the other side of it, if it does open.}