Just wanted to say...

Ugh, I hate those loud things! It’s so frustrating to be awoken by the jolting and highly irritating sound of a week wacker, chain saw, or leaf blower. I think they should be BANED and people should pick up a stinkin’ rake or clippers or anything that isn’t freakin’ loud and use it to maintain the landscape. UGHHHH

rant over

This was a comment I had made under an entry written by the user “fateaccompli”, who recently deleted her account. Her original entry is unfortunately lost now, but this was a great philosophical discussion. I am reposting what I wrote here and what she replied to me as a comment because I just didn’t want this to be gone or forgotten… If anyone wishes to add to the discussion, please do…

The thought of reincarnation scares me.

I wouldn’t want to die and come back as someone or something else, because I don’t want to imagine existing in any other form without the memories I have now. Even for me, who can’t really figure out how to maintain long-term connections with people, I don’t want to imagine not knowing the people I know today or have known in the past. Even if my time with them is only in memory and that hurts, I wouldn’t want to let go of that. Existing without your memories is death because it’s not you anymore…

_{Reminds me of one of my all-time favorite movies called After Life where the premise is that heaven is the one memory you would want to relive for eternity…}

Every year I’ve missed the wild California poppy bloom that happens each spring in the high desert. Either I’m too busy studying for exams or I’m too lazy to make the hour and a half drive up to see them or I forget until it’s too late. Last Friday I was talking to a friend over a lunch about how my usual weekend routine does not involve doing anything terribly interesting. So, this weekend I resolved to change that. When I was thinking about possible things I could do, I remembered that it was poppy season and verified on the website for the Antelope Valley California Poppy Reserve that the poppy bloom was currently at its peak.

So, I and my companion left for the poppy reserve located several miles west of Lancaster Sunday morning excited and hoping to see carpets of orange scattered on the gently rolling hills of the high desert. There were poppies blooming around the entrance of the park and I couldn’t wait to pay the $7 entrance fee and hike the looping trails to see lots of flowers… Well, flowers we did see, but just not many of those flowers were poppies. The few poppies we did see were suspiciously clustered near the trails where visitors walked. I almost wonder if the park officials just strategically scattered seeds near the entrance and next to the trails to draw people in and collect their money and make them think there was something really spectacular there. I don’t know what happened; it was the peak of the bloom, but the display was rather anemic. Maybe there wasn’t enough rain this year or maybe some other condition just wasn’t right this year.

I was disappointed about the lack of poppies, but I still enjoyed the hike on a pleasant day in the desert. It was a little windy, but the temperature was very mild. We still saw lots of flowers in bloom. We saw lots of clusters of goldfields (which look like tiny yellow sunflowers) and these bulky purple flowers called owl’s clover (the tips of which supposedly look like two eyes and and a beak…um… maybe). It was also interesting to hear the sound of the wind in the grass, sort of like a waterfall but not really. I don’t know how to describe it… There’s actually a lot of beauty in the desert, and it was nice to take some time to admire it while leaving the city behind for a while.

And, I did finally get to see a good poppy bloom albeit not within the boundaries of the poppy reserve. I shot the attached photo along the side of a road near Lake Elizabeth. It was definitely worth the drive, and hopefully next year or sometime else in the future, I’ll get to see a more glorious bloom…

I’ve been in the occasional habit of reflecting on the change of seasons. It’s not just that seasons mark distinct stages of a continuous, circular cycle experienced in the natural world; they also provide convenient reference points by which to monitor a single year of life.

I sat in the park yesterday on a cool, overcast day in the green grass watching dandelion flowers and the bees flying among them. I took a few deep breaths, and I tried to think about where things stand at the moment. I couldn’t really think of anything other than just what I was seeing around me. I couldn’t really come up with anything remarkable about the winter that just ended, and I couldn’t really formulate anything particularly special about the season coming up ahead. I’ve been busier than normal, that’s all I could think. I feel like I’ve been working hard but not really making progress, but rather just maintaining where I’m at, which for some reason seems harder to do. It’s sort of like being in the middle of running a long distance and not being halfway done and having to maintain a steady pace just to keep up and eventually, with any luck, reach the end… wherever that is…

I had lunch with my friend Yuan today, and he was just really happy telling me about how he enjoys the time he has been spending with his one month old son. He told me he had a sort of revelation upon observing the peace and satisfaction on his son’s face after napping and feeding. He told me that we really don’t require much to be happy, and that it was all very simple. All these things that we chase as adults like nice cars and other possessions, social status and whatever, they’re actually not necessary. This idea isn’t really news to me as it’s pretty common for people to say stuff like this all while continuing to pursue these these things anyway. What was fascinating to me, however, was the perspective from which he came from as he said this.

Children, and especially babies, are made happy by the simplest things. A baby is content with milk, sleep and being held and not much more. My friend also has a three and a half year old daughter. He drives an old beat-up car and his wife a newer, more luxurious car, but his daughter is equally happy travelling in either car. She hasn’t been taught yet to see distinctions in these things that adults often use as tools to prop themselves up over their peers. If we can just remind ourselves that the need we feel for all these extra things is fake, it’s amazing to think about how much less stressful our lives could be. It’s just so hard sometimes to take the time to stop in the middle of life and remember this.

I do continue to wonder how much of this desire for all this extra stuff is learned and how much is in fact innate. I guess there is a type of innocence that exists when you don’t have to fight for your own survival. When you’re a small child everything is provided for you and you feel safe under the protection of your parents. When you become responsible for your own survival and compete against others for scarce resources it seems to become more important to assert your dominance over others and to secure your place within society. Maybe the pursuit of all these seemingly superfluous things and the desire to be accepted socially and to be seen as well-off is a leftover vestige of some built-in evolutionary survival-based behavior… I wonder…

I’ve found myself in this place before – at a crossroads. Whenever I’m faced with an important decision, I try to go through the process of considering all my options, listing pros and cons, but I feel like I’ve already made a decision. It’s almost if I need to go through the motions in order to allow my mind time to get used to the decision I already know in my soul.

I’m not afraid of giving up my job, my house or comforts of home – I’m afraid that taking this opportunity, I will have to leave my family, friends and my dog (who has been my constant companion) behind. All of which will break my heart. It’s a blessing to be so close to my family, but it makes it so difficult to be away from them, too. I’ve never been away for more than a couple months.

I waver between real excitement (which I have rarely felt over the past couple years) and incredible sadness. Most big decisions come with a mixture of emotions, I’m just experiencing both now and am struggling to find a balance. But I have resolve – the choice is between my current path which doesn’t bring me much joy and a new life that will bring the unexpected. It just doesn’t make sense for me to continue as I have been knowing that I can change my life in the hopes of growing and creating new experiences for myself.

Fear casts a long shadow – I never thought of myself as a person who does not take risks, but I’m finding that I have become so comfortable that change does scare me. I cannot belittle the magnitude of my decision – I’ll be leaving the country to a place where I have no friends of family, but still I believe it is the right decision for me and I feel impatient to take the next step. I can’t be afraid to change my life – it’s just too short.

I went on a 10-mile roundtrip hike, which lasted nearly 7 hours, with my friend Yuan the day after New Year’s in the San Gabriel Mountains along the San Gabriel River to a place called the “Bridge to Nowhere”. The bridge is a remnant of a road that was never fully constructed to connect the San Gabriel Valley in suburban LA to the Antelope Valley in the high desert. The road was washed away during a massive flood in the 1930’s, and besides the bridge, few remnants of that road remain. It was a cool day but sunny day with generally great conditions for hiking.

This was one of the more challenging hikes I had been on not just because of the length but because of the rugged terrain and the numerous stream crossings involved. Although there was only an elevation gain of about 800 feet over the course of the hike, there were a lot of ups and downs along the trail and climbing around rocks on narrow ledges. I really had a sense of accomplishment when I completed the hike, and it was a very enjoyable experience (despite the soreness I and my friend experienced afterward).

Neither of us had been on the trail before or knew what to expect, so we didn’t come quite a prepared as we should have. Nevertheless, we were able to make do with what we had. The stream crossings were interesting. We didn’t have the sort of boots you would use to wade in the water, so we took off our shoes and socks and rolled up our pants and waded across ice cold water that ranged from ankle to knee deep. The water felt very stinging with its coldness (remember it’s winter and the water comes from deep within the mountains). We crossed barefoot about four times, and we crossed the river at least a total of ten times. This would be an impossible hike when the river is swollen after a heavy rain. The other times we didn’t cross barefoot we were able to tiptoe balancing on logs or stones lying across the width of the stream. We picked up branches along the side of the stream and used them to help us balance; life would have been much more difficult without them.

What we found on hiking along the trail was one of the most beautiful canyon settings in Southern California that either of us had ever seen. We heard the crashing of the river during most of the time we were out. The environment was, however, more desert-like than I had expected. The trail was within a canyon in the mountains and reached a maximum elevation of less than 3,000 feet, which I guess was not high enough for pine trees or other sorts of mountain flora. In part of the floodplain that we walked through, there was what I would describe as a forest of yucca plants with sharp, pointy leaves. These leaves even poked us through our clothing. About half the hike was out of direct sunlight and under the shade of the surrounding mountains, and the other half was under direct exposure. This would have been a much more difficult hike during the summertime.

We even lucky enough to spot some interesting wildlife. Most of the area we hiked through was in what is called the Sheep Mountain Wilderness, and when we were hiking back we were treated to the sight of four bighorn sheep climbing down a steep cliff. Yuan commented that it would be nice to have their climbing skills. A pair of hikers we were passing pointed them out to us, and I know that I would have never noticed them if someone else didn’t point them out to me. I also scanned the river hoping to spot some trout but didn’t see any although there were a few anglers wading the stream. They didn’t seem to be having much luck, but I didn’t actually ask any of them how the fishing was.

It took us 3 hours and 43 minutes to reach our final destination 5 miles from our starting point, the Bridge to Nowhere. It was really an odd, beautiful sight. The bridge, which stood alone with no connecting road at either end of it, was in remarkably excellent condition with elegant support arches high above the river below and ending abruptly against a towering mountain. Knowing that it survived the great floods from 70 years ago when the rest of the highway didn’t, we wondered how long into the future the bridge would survive as we rested there a while.

We learned some things that helped us hike more efficiently and shave 43 minutes off the time of our return trip, which took us exactly 3 hours. We knew the trail better and were helped by the general descent in elevation. We carried sticks with us most of the time to help us better maintain better balance during difficult parts of the trail. We ran into other hikers and followed lead on better spots to climb down certain rocks to reach certain legs of the trail and on better points to cross the stream so we didn’t have to go barefoot so much. We also tried to emulate for a time one group’s quicker hiking pace.

What I liked most about the trip was spending time with my friend. I often go hiking alone, but it would have been very difficult to do this particular hike by myself. There were several occasions we had to help each other climb around certain rocks or while crossing the stream (actually it was mostly him helping me). I liked the team effort and enjoyed being able to share the experience with someone I was close to with a mutual interest.

I was looking something on internet the other day and found about this article which is kind of similar to my case. Everyone must have heard people talking in sleep it’s a disorder so called somniloquy. This disorder in most people is short term, but not in the case of other people. Sleep-talkers are not typically aware of their behavior or their speech. It might occur through stress, depression, sleep deprivation, day-time drowsiness, alcohol and fever. It sounds really weird when we think about the people who talk in their sleep without even knowing anything, but this is what I am suffering from. It’s been really a long time I been going through this things. When I was a kid everyone use to tell me that is just because of some things that happened during day time which affected my brain so much that I cannot stop thinking about even when I am sleeping. Some doctors say that this disorder runs in families but it is not always true in my family no one have such kind of disorder. It feels really embarrassing when someone tells you about this entire weird thing you were talking about last night which you might never want to tell anyone.
It might only be the thing which had happened to you during day time. What freaks me out the most is that sometimes I dream something which is going to happen in future. It might be pretty much obvious that we can remember the thing which had happen to us or in other words which is our past but what about dreams of future don’t you think it’s freaky?? Sometime I feel like these things had happen to me in past somewhere. It is just a weird feeling. I tried to discuss about this things when I was about 16 with my doctor, he just ignored me like I am talking about some crap which he never heard about or either he don’t want to discuss about that. It is just a unwanted feeling when I think about all this abnormal things taking place in life.

Life always play games with our emotions and our relation with other people. Right now I am put into a situation where I just dont know what I have to do and what I should. Its like if I am not going to make right decision it gone affect many peoples life. Its like I love this guy and I dont know if he loves me or not. He says that he do but from his behaviour and everythign it sounds so different. He is kind a really busy with his job and his studies and so he is not able to get time for me thats the reason he gave me.But it feels really different. I mean if he loves me he should atleast get some time to hangout with me and atleast call me and talk to me once a week or day. We usually chat at night for about sometime. I really love him and would love to be with him for rest of my life but its like I dont find him exact way i expect him to be when we just knew each other as friend. Then all of a sudden another guy comes in my life. He is really a good guy. We just talk on phone and chat. We have never seen each other face to face… but he is a nice guy.. i like talking to him on phone. he is kind a really a good friend of mine.. to whom i can tell anything… but i dont know why he is acting so different… he is now like he loves me andhe cannot live without me… he is really nice.. i dont know if he is so sure about his words or not, i mean he might be right be he might not.. he might be just talking to me to make me happy.. but why would anyone say that when he knew that we cannot stay together right now.. i mean if it would be only for time pass then he wont.. but i am kind a confused about that… I dont know wht new changes gone come in my life.. and i still wonder why do everyone just dont keep friendship and just jump to the situation where they wanna be my life partner… why??

I hardly slept at all last night because I’m so nervous about an exam I have on Thursday, which I took last year but didn’t pass. I can’t stop thinking about it. I just drank half a bottle of wine hoping that it could help me fall asleep tonight so that I couldn’t think about anything else, and now I just feel intoxicated and incoherent but not sleepy though I didn’t sleep more than two hours last night. Is this healthy? Should I try something else? I’m just not sure how to handle the pressure… I don’t want to fail again, but I’m afraid I might… I can’t figure out how to sleep… I won’t pass if I don’t sleep at least tomorrow night… should I delete this when I’m sober?????