Learn and list 50 things about me

I’m scared of letting someone truly love me for fear of what it will feel like once they’re gone, even when that someone is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Occasionally, my morale takes the shape of an ass.

This is another thing I never noticed until I started living with someone. It just became an unnoticed habit along the way, I guess.

I have to have all the money in my wallet (what little I have, hah) facing the same way in incremental order. I’m not that annoying person in line that will make you wait while I obsessively turn all my bills the right way and tuck them away, but as soon as I’m not delaying anyone else, I pull them all out and arrange them in the correct order.

I sometimes wish that I could be in The Gilmore Girls. I love the quick rapport. The close knit community feel. I love the sarcasm.

I found a list I wrote when I was about 18 or 19. It’s called ‘Things I love and that make me happy’... before my handwriting changed and became slopey.

• Walking in the dark
• A newly made bed
• Walking barefoot
• Pasta Salad
• The Sound of naturally running water
• Inside jokes
• Dancing with my family
• Dreaming BIG
• Designing
• Reading my Horroscope
• 43 things (yes… it made the cut even back then)

...Myspace (I don’t use it anymore), Walking around the marshes (I love it- but I haven’t done it for ages because a young woman got attacked down there and no one else shares my love of the place), Discovering new bands that rock my socks off (none recently)Finishing an assignment (I still love check lists),White boards, Fishing in rock pools, Laying on the beach, Ice Cubes, Old fashioned thrift shops, long country walks, picnics, going to The Red Lion(ess) with my family, Finding new shoes that actually fit and don’t give me blisters, Writing messages on steamed up windows, sundays off work, poetry, crying at soppy films, realising just how lucky I am, listening to old audio tapes, getting to the end of a good book, dreaming, doodling, those vulnerable moments when your eyes are barely open and you just give in, soft art pencils, feeling like I’ve done a good work out, sarcasm, laughing, my scar tissue, head massages, hot baths, cold showers, clearing the air after an argument, the smell of ‘those’ flowers, grandad’s garage, police men mmmm, snail mail, singing, pretending I’m on stage, ice creams round the pond, our house at xmas…

It’s odd how sometimes just reminding yourself of these things can make you happy :)

I just read my ‘What do I want?’ post from 10 months ago… and it’s odd…

I began colouring a colouring book from page one a couple of months ago randomly. It was obviously something I was thinking about longer than I thought I was.

I bought a scarf holder.

I am now a BIG part of C’s children’s lives. Her son listens to me (sometimes) and he gets excited when I appear. I love her children soooo much I can’t believe I shut myself off from them for so long!

I have bought a car… but as of yet have done nothing with it to decorate it or anything.

I have 2 boxes of stuff for when I move out. I’m storing it at my grans because my mother would throw it out.

Facebook is sucking my soul out still. But it knows less about me than 43 things does. Something to be proud of I think!!!!

I am over Heath & in love with another man. His name is Ben. My mother HATES him. We have no future plans together. We don’t do an awful lot but we enjoy one anothers company! He likes CSI about as much as I do. He doesn’t mind if our meal is soup or pasta or something unexciting. He accepts me and my friends and he doesn’t mind my family.

I can check off the amazing sex too.

I saved £100 and spent it on holiday.

I fixed my curtains. Or rather- I got my mother to do them for me.

Ben bought me a ruby ring for my birthday. It’s beautiful.

I got myself aftershave- Red Lacoste. I also bought new perfumes to spoil myself. It is nice.

I went camping with Ben and we had a midnight picnic in a tent.

I’ve had my plant for ages now. She’s still alive though about to hybernate for the winter.

I had a family portrait done. It cost me £20. Bargain

I can think of so much more I want to do and when I think I might actually do them I get excited.

I love finding the differences between books and their movie/show counterparts. I’m going to start reading the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris since I’ve religiously watched the show “True Blood” since it’s premiere. I’m oddly excited about this tiny little adventure.

That’s vague.

I’ve noticed while watching a movie if I think something embarrassing is going to happen, I pause it, as if that’s going to make someone not make a fool out of themselves in the movie. I never noticed that I did it before until I started watching movies more often with my boyfriend. He thinks it’s hysterical/cute, and I find it compulsive. I can’t stop!

I like:
to make people laugh
to write stories
to read horror stories
short stories as well as novels
the color cobalt blue
flowers in my garden
flowers on my table
cats
to reach a goal
to have an organized desk
to leave the windows open on a windy day
the wind
the sun
having my tarot cards read
to enter contests
to gamble
to try new foods
to try new things
to learn new things
to be in control
to get a massage

ok.. here we go, off the top of my head whilst waiting for a photoshop file to reduce its size:

(this is taking longer than i thought… obviously not off the top of my head…)

I love and hate the taste of coffee.
I feel lonely the most when im with many other people.
I have mixed feelings about my office.
I have difficulty letting go.
I love loud music in my ears.
I feel full of contradictions.
I am myself the most when im painting or when im writing. which isnt often anymore.
I remember Heather’s words about dreaming and freedom. She was right.
I often feel trapped.
My dreams for the future somehow reside outside of egypt.
I have conjured another world in my mind.
I have an excellent memory – but sometimes, its selective.
I remember the tiniest most insignificant details about people and places.
My memories make my cry, no matter how old they are.
I often live in the past.
I forget who I am sometimes.
I feel sometimes that my family and I are from different planets.
I love animals.
I dont let go of things easily.
Im a people-pleaser – and I hate it.
I often feel the need to needlessly abuse myself as some kind of punishment… im not sure for what.
I am often in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I am very self conscious about my figure, and try to hide it always.
I hate….
* to be continued….*