Learn and list 50 things about me

I like:
to make people laugh
to write stories
to read horror stories
short stories as well as novels
the color cobalt blue
flowers in my garden
flowers on my table
cats
to reach a goal
to have an organized desk
to leave the windows open on a windy day
the wind
the sun
having my tarot cards read
to enter contests
to gamble
to try new foods
to try new things
to learn new things
to be in control
to get a massage

ok.. here we go, off the top of my head whilst waiting for a photoshop file to reduce its size:

(this is taking longer than i thought… obviously not off the top of my head…)

I love and hate the taste of coffee.
I feel lonely the most when im with many other people.
I have mixed feelings about my office.
I have difficulty letting go.
I love loud music in my ears.
I feel full of contradictions.
I am myself the most when im painting or when im writing. which isnt often anymore.
I remember Heather’s words about dreaming and freedom. She was right.
I often feel trapped.
My dreams for the future somehow reside outside of egypt.
I have conjured another world in my mind.
I have an excellent memory – but sometimes, its selective.
I remember the tiniest most insignificant details about people and places.
My memories make my cry, no matter how old they are.
I often live in the past.
I forget who I am sometimes.
I feel sometimes that my family and I are from different planets.
I love animals.
I dont let go of things easily.
Im a people-pleaser – and I hate it.
I often feel the need to needlessly abuse myself as some kind of punishment… im not sure for what.
I am often in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I am very self conscious about my figure, and try to hide it always.
I hate….
* to be continued….*

Colour an entire colouring book from front to back. Own a VW Campervan. Get fit. To have a scarf holder. To adopt a tortoise. To paint more often. To visit my grandparents more often. To make sure C’s kids don’t forget me. To buy a car and decorate it in my style. Collect stuff for my new house- when I get it. Get over facebook’s grip on me. Go on a catamaran again. Learn to sail a catamaran. Have an extensive collection of pritt-sticks. See Robbie Williams in concert. Fall in love- truly, madly, deeply. Have amazing sex. Kiss under a full moon. Own a bean bag. Get my teeth fixed. Have a ruby ring. Save £100 again. Get a job I can be proud of. Get though Grad-school in one piece. Do Xmas gift baskets for my friends. Put up my photo frames. Fix my curtains and Blinds to the walls. Buy a pair of vans… and not let Luke squish them- the boy’s obsessed :) tee hee. Go to see the aurora borealis. Try snowboarding. Buy a LOT of underwear and have special drawers for it. Get a walk in wardrobe. Finally kiss Heath goodbye and let go. Buy myself that manly aftershave that I want to take to wearing as a perfume. MMmm. Learn how to fix an engine. Eeek. Go camping again. Have a late night picnic in a tent. Stop making so much room for people to shove things that aren’t me into my soul. Make the five year mark at my current job. Make at least 3 months in this work placement… or something like that. Get onto a post-grad course. Have a wild night of passion in a hotel. Have a flat stomach again. Get a new punch bag- and beat it seven barrels. Have a teddy bears picnic. Learn to ride a motorbike. Have a pot plant and NOT kill it. Never give up polos… ever. Buy a new XD memory card. Make 2009 an amazing year to be 21. Go rock climbing- indoors. Go to one music festival next summer. Get a family portrait done. Go swimming more often. Buy more dresses. Make better use of ebay. Love and be loved. Drop a penny in a special place, and know that place could start something strange for someone else. Send a message in a bottle. Make my Xmas cards this year. Sooooooooooooooo much I want to do!!!! Get a good degree and graduate. Try star fruit. Buy myself flowers for no reason! Fall over laughing. Buy Luke Vinegar for Xmas. Get my photos printed!

Ok… here’s another of my lists because… although they often tend to be repetitive they seem to lift my spirits and that’s always a good thing.

I am rubbish at recharging my rechargeable batteries.
I love to quote song lyrics.
I mime to everything- song wise.
I love BIG sunglasses.
I used Fun Snaps for the first time ever the other week, they’re amazing.
I’ve broken several pairs of headphones for my ipod. It’s a particular skill of mine.
I love neck accessories.
I adore dresses and skirts. I love high heels. I LOVE to look sexy.
I like my eyes. I don’t like to leave the house without mascara on.
I have flat feet.
My left toe has a hair on it which I refuse to shave off because Tag says it’s “annoying”. It’s blonde. No one should look at my feet that closely.
I don’t really like roundabouts on the kids playgrounds… they make me dizzy and I feel sick. They are not good places to sit and have deep conversations. Or so I’ve heard. Ha.
I love going on the Waltzers at the Fairground.
I love watching the sun set in the sky.
I love blowing the heads off of time clocks in the garden.
Seagulls amuse me.
I’ve stepped foot on an aeroplane… but never let one take off while I’ve been onboard.
I often drum beats on my legs and on my chest/collarbone.
I wear Elixir perfume. I love the smell of it.
I love the smell of my green coat. It has absorbed a million memories in one smell.
I love the smell of Eric. He smells like mildew but I think that’s swell!
I am a messy person by nature. I am disordered and chaotic.
I love to make lists… I must waste an awful lot of paper.
9 times out of 10 if you want a Polo Mint I’m your girl.
I am awful at bodyboarding. I am a total fake :) but I love it.
I’m the only girl I know who’s managed to lose a shark tooth that they found themselves.
My feet are in an appalling state for someone who’s a foot masseuse… I’d love to take a course in reflexology… maybe one day when I have a spare £200 lying around.
I love night time photography.
I’ve never eaten an Eton Mess.
I once spent an entire day rescuing ladybirds from the swimming pool… with a spoon and a teacup.
I have a JD Wetherspoons Loyalty Card.
I have a slight fascination with the moon.
I plan to learn all I can about horoscopes and tarot reading this summer.
I plan to get a second job to cover my spending- so I can have fun too.
I aim to sleep more… and have a pattern.
I have a Low rate of success with Virtual Pets.
I introduced Luke to Neopets… now he spends more time there than I used to. I should go back and see if my Neopets are dead yet.

I once worked in a beachside school but got locked out. It rained and the horrible admin people wouldn’t let me back in without my pass and so I had to stand and get soaked. I ran across to the forts and hid in the underground passages… and they flooded. I got wet ankles but it didn’t matter, I was laughing and sat on my arse getting wet and mossy reading a Cosmo Magazine which I bought for a particularly pretty purse that was attached.

For an english student I don’t read enough.

I could live in my red dressing gown for days if it was allowed.

I should try to be a better sister. My sister likes to smell me. She hugs me for such a long time sometimes and tells me it’s because I smell nice. I’m glad she likes to sniff me LOL.

I hate leaving voice mail messages. I always sound like an idiot.

I love listening to my sister and her girlfriends. Hearing their problems and having them say I’m a “cool sister” is always nice.

I have a 15 year old stalker. Apparently he loves me. This is creepy.

My older friends- act younger than they are. Try 4 or 5. They repeat themselves, go over old issues, I fear I’ve swallowed too much of the same air as they have. EEeeeek.

I love giving gifts to other people that I’ve actually put thought into! :O Shocking.

Tomorrow I’m cleaning my house. I am supposed to be seeing the Ex. I will not phone him however and he’ll have “forgotten”. Thus, I shall not be going anywhere near him.

The next day I shall be working and then seeing old friends.

I met someone the other night at the pub- who knows where that’ll lead. Probably nowhere but the excitement of a new adventure made me smile- a real smile! I almost forgot how odd it is to flirt and smile and actually be happy but… there it was for all to see. I cracked my dimples and dipped into them for a bit I think because my face ached at the end of the evening from laughing so much. :) We’ve swapped numbers- no expectations though and no explanations to anyone else for what I’m doing.

I’ve not gone 3 months without a man to ‘be’ with. You know- having someone to cuddle you or hold your hand or ‘date’ you… maybe it’s about time I did go for longer than that! I’ll have been 3 months without emotionally satisfying sex in 2 days time, 3 months single… but I feel ok about it. The world is far too interested in sex nowadays- it’s a sex world and it shouldn’t be… what happened to love and peace and flowers LOL. Ok, ok, even the 60’s and 70’s were sexy but still. At my age being single is actually considered criminal in this area and “weird”... it’s about time I and everyone else stopped believing in that. None of this be with someone for the sake of it crap. Life’s too short to settle for anything less than magic, exciting PASSIONATE adventures. I aint settling anymore. Nuh-uh!

Recently I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster ride. I’ve cried for hours and hours at a time not sure why or how to get out of the big hole that seemed to be getting deeper and deeper to climb out of. Heart break, heart ache, depression… whatever it is… the things that have happened lately are STUPID. (Yeah that’s me being a grown up… I roll my eyes here and sound just a little bit more sarcastic).

I am an extremely emotional person. I’ll put up with being messed around in the name of love when honestly I shouldn’t have to. I guess my self worth is lower than it used to be.

I look in my eyes in a mirror and I can see everything that I’ve taken to bottling up. My own problems, those of everyone else, the worries I’ve internalised. I don’t like what I see.

My monetary situation is steadily getting worse but it’s not uncontrollable YET. It’s still in my grip to catch the thread of my financial net if I stretch a little, bend a little… I just need to make my friends understand that being a student sometimes means NOT going out every night. Sometimes it means watching a DVD and sitting in bed with ice cream and a duvet over my nose.

I don’t eat properly anymore… ever since the nausea thing. Sometimes I wont eat anything all day and then at 7 or 8 in the evening I’ll stop at Burger King and get a fat dripping thing- with extra fat or an ice cream. It’s no wonder I don’t have the energy to cope with anything. In a way I guess I’m punishing myself as I try to work out why I am so pathetic. But the more I don’t treat myself well, the more I believe I’m worthless and the deeper in my pit I get.

My phone bills are ridiculously high at the moment because I’m always talking to the ex or my best friend or any number of the people I’m trying to keep happily balanced on my shoulders. If I bend anymore for others I will break. I’ve neglected my family as a result too.

I think about Heath 24/7. Everything relates back to him in some way or another because he literally became a part of all my hopes, my dreams and well… my entire life. I can’t bear to walk away for good because at the moment I can still have him hold me in the early hours of the morning if I want… I can still smell him and hear his stupid laugh every so often but in doing that I’m putting up with people telling me that I’m weak. And I know I am weak. And then I feel worse. Then I try kidding myself that he really does want me and eventually he’ll chase me properly rather than just wanting to know where I am and who I’m with all the time.

My friend Tag’s been a massive help recently. He’s basically said that I should follow my heart- that I’m not weak or falling apart but following how I’m feeling… and that eventually that’ll lead me out of the darkness. Right now I hope so. Tonight I asked him WHAT he’s playing at. He’ll ignore me now and I’ll panic that I’m losing the smell of him, his laugh and the comfort of having him around.

Lesson 1. I have low self esteem and I need to build it up again. How do I do that???

I really don’t want to do my driving theory… but I fear I must and shortly it’ll be over and I can worry about it another day. I have not really got the confidence to pass it today or any other day at the moment- but we shall see. I am trying to be optimistic but really… failure’s the way I’m headed. I’ve tried to tell as few people as possible because people knowing my business makes me nervous.

I feel sick and tired and I’m dreading the next few days. Nausea for a million different reasons. I think the number one thing on this post is that I am a stress bonce. I stress about the tiniest little thing- even when it’s too late to worry about it and it’s all entirely out of my control!!!! Gahh!

Time for another random list which will probably be repetitive but will keep me away from sorting my clothes and dismantling my furniture for at least a little while.

The biggest thing I’ve ever been hit with is probably a full roll of of wallpaper. I hate spiders, needles. I’m not that fond of slugs when they’re on my hands. I don’t like to squish mosquitoes and they seemingly have a taste for me (I should take repellents more often). I dream of going to Calgary and watching the reflections in the skyscrapers. I love paddling in the sea on sandy shores. CousCous. Liquorice straws. 20p jewellery from the seafront machines. Key charms. Writing cheques. Building walls out of pillows and shutting myself off from the world. Jelly Beans- especially cantelope melon flavoured ones. My false teeth are amazingly real. My head is small. I like to lift weights which doesn’t help my broad shoulders. I like to look at cracks in the pavement. I am fascinated by little red spiders, eyes, heart beats, aligning breaths and swings. I like swirls. I am always thirsty. I love flowers and one day I’ll go to a flower market and pick myself a big bouquet, each individually stemmed flower picked by moi…and have it wrapped. I like slippers and warm fires. I like picking off my nail varnish. I bite my bottom lip when I’m nervous. I like older men and big blue eyes. I used to habitually tune into BBC Parliament. I loved The Magic School Bus and Arthur. Kids TV was amazing. I used to see every event as something which changes you, everything an experience and something I’d never done before and that’s the bit of me that I miss. I miss having a disc drive on my pc that works, Well done Luke. I love my narnia book cases. I love Heinz salad creams and American Ranch style salads. Pasta is sexy. I will one day eat at Mozarella Joes. I have a pet plant called Spike. I haven’t discovered what he is yet but I am nurturing him all the same. Luke and I once sent me a post card… it was hilarious… we beat it home. I have a fairy wand. I love the smell of my loft. My new baby cousin looks like a little alien. I want to quote Nerina Pallot a lot this week. It’s amazing how my neighbours palm leaves in the wind sound like trickling water. I really want to be able to drive but I’m scared of it too. I have a my little pony. A barbie doll. And now all I need is another polly pocket and my collection of girly toys will be one step closer LOL. I feel sorry for lone weeds in my pavement. I once rescued one and planted it in a pot. A dog is barking and it’s sound is annoying, but not quite as annoying as the thumping bass that is throbbing from some gold VW Golf over the road. How very annoying Pssh :). There be a dragonfly on my window, it’s scary :) haha. It’s tapping on the glass and keeps making me jump… odd how something wants to get in here when I’m thinking of escape.

Recently I’ve had a bit of a melt down. I think that’s been clear to everyone who knows me. People I normally love to spend time with drive me nuts and I’ve made friends with my “enemies” and I use that term loosely and rather jokingly because life’s just too short to have them.

I’ve been under a lot of pressure at work and I realised today that although I hate it with all my heart it’s something I thrive on. Pressure is exciting. People shouting at me because there’s something wrong with the computer systems doesn’t upset me anymore. I’ve grown a second skin with regards to it and I actually enjoy arguing with them and having the last word and making it something like “Have a lovely afternoon sir.” or “I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more service to you”. I’m doing ok at my job at the moment to be honest because I’m doing about 5 different job roles and I’m surviving day to day in what I’m doing.

I miss faffing about with lexis order for uni but I don’t want to write essays anymore. I want to be creative and I want my novel published!!!!

I’m trying to get my friendships back to a point where they don’t irritate me.

I’m trying to remove the traces of that boy from my life or at least the thoughts about what might have been if only I’d made his dinner better and pretended that I like ironing LOL… not that I want him. If anything I miss the sex and having someone next to me at night, both of which until him never affected me. I wasn’t big on either of the two and I liked my space to be mine and to be my escape. When he virtually moved in I lost that and my space became “our” space and I had nothing that was my own and I guess at the moment I’m reclaiming it. My television became his television, the dishes and picking up broken glass became mine and I was virtually wishing my life away because everything felt it was going too slowly. I couldn’t grasp that at the time but I’m getting there now.

I missed Luke more than I knew and my other friends were being toxic to me… I got myself in a bad way with my parents and became ridiculously behind on my rent. Which reminds me- I’ve gotta go pay that tomorrow!!!!

My exam results are due out in a week and then I’ll be able to work out where I stand with regards to my degree next year and to look at my dissertation and my career options. That’s what I want to learn about me… what do I want to do next year? what do I need from relationships? what do I need to do for me?

Sooo that’s what I’m going to do entries on… because writing on here has always been kinda cathartic. Hmmmm

Enough waffle I’m going to go and sit on the hill and watch the cars blur into the street lights!

Colouring in, Writing, Poetry, Photography, Making DVD-footage of my most important people :)...Reading… leaving random post it notes stuck to the underside of tables…polo mints…sparklers…my electric pink body board…jeans4genes…people watching…patting people on the head… stroking hair…putting on accents…going quiet when I’m in a mood… Mint Choc Chip ice cream, lollypops, Black Nissan Figaros, VW Campervans, Ladybirds, daisies, elastic bands, orange smarties, my little pony, Peter the fly, Luke, tarot reading and horoscopes, Arguing, doodling and bubbles. Barbies. The seaside… Fred the Seagull… Drawing pins…Sleeping…Scarf-ness (I have a slight fetish)… Bubblewrap is also cool. Star related paraphernalia… Craft knives…whiteboards…glass balls…punchbags…lifting my weights to the delicate sounds of Destiny’s Child… singing really, really loudly when no one is home and dancing in my socks to BAD 80’s music. Giving foot massages. (I nearly went into chiropody n reflexology). Tia-maria and coke. Losing Nemo. Santa Clause- shhh don’t tell your mama. My own goofy brand of BSL finger spelling. Having a million different nicknames…Escaping to Canada as soon as I can legally run away…Sticking Marshmallows to Mopeds and Cars, Cows, Newquay, Rock climbing in Devon, Peeling oranges coz it makes my throat tingle, Avoiding health professionals, The colour Red, Using long words, Flip Flops, Swing Music, Listening to the sextastic Sax music, Scar tissue, Perspex sheets, Lacey shorts, Not wearing a belt so I’m constantly pulling my trousers up, Pebbles, Marbles, Matches and the smell of them, Keyrings, Stamps, Loafers, Fancy dress, Cushions, Fish and Aquariums, Silver, Charms, My Family, Sexy Forearms (yes… I like forearms ok), Good sex, Clean fingernails, Disney Channel, Contact Lenses, Blue eyes, Blonde hair, McDonalds cheeseburgers, McChicken Sarnies, The crusts on Dominoes pizza, Scrambled eggs, The words Serenity, squelch and slap, Pumpkin carving, Baking Fairy Cakes, Garlic, Salt Water on my hair, Cotton-buds, Sand, Sharks teeth, Emptying my bin, The first five minutes of using the shredder before the novelty wears off, Robbie Williams, Peanut Brittle, Glass painting, On the Clifftop- Edgar Degas, Jewellery, my thumb ring, Photocopying- even though I’m allergic, Sitting in the bath til I turn into a prune, Hate smoking, Hate drug-abuse, Think kids should see the effects of solvent abuse first hand actually!!!!, Hate being a pick me up doll and an object for using for sex-fun&games, Freckles, Airmiles, Batman 1960’s TV show, Top Cat, Funhouse, Pat Sharp, Moths and Butterflies (secretly they creep me out but I am obsessed, Toying with the idea of a tattoo or a new piercing at the moment, Mini-milks, Talking in metaphors and similes, Book markers, My Twinnies, My Family, V-Park, Feeding the ducks, Marigolds, Snap Dragons, Red-roses, Knickers, Straighteners, Pritt Stick, PVA Glue, My credit cards- coz they’re shiny and beat Luke’s, Salad Sarnies, Having half of my work place in my house, Dresses- that are booty-ful :), giggling, Playing dot to dot on my moles, Tickets, Hate shaving my legs, Love candle wax, Laying under the stars and just listening to the world go by me, late night drives, Playing on the swings, Saying Woooooooooooooo, Talking like a grown up but secretly having no clue what’s going on at all and not understanding the world and secretly really being a little kid inside, Telling lies, Pretending, Make believe, Tinkerbell, I’m still a fairy princess, Being married twice both unofficially to people who are a bit ott but who I love nonetheless, Push up bras, Ocean FM, The relief of getting a period, I try to be positive but usually fail :), I LOVE big Jackie O Sunglasses, Toby’s totally unenvironmentally friendly aproach to bag collections, Gossip, Doodling, margins, blank pages, lipstick, toothbrushes, pin badges, random-ebay-searching, buying stuff online that I really don’t need, Having sooo many shoes that they fall out on me, back massages- undoing the knots, QECP, The smell of my shoulders, My green coat which smells of him and of me and of my room and just comforts me, BIGhugtime, Vouchers, 43things, Meeting new and random people, Being treated like I’m worth something is nice sometimes :), Tortoises, Rockpools, Crabs, the cold side of my pillow, Curly hair, Not being judgemental- a NASTY habit I’ve picked up from two people in my life who like to be that way that have had a big influence on me lately, finally getting back to my beliefs, Fascinating late night conversations, Sitting on the underground and giving those people new lives while they are opposite me and letting the lives fall away like dead skin when they get off, Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh, Hats, Hate road rage, Keeping things secret just to myself, knowing I should see a doctor is worrying me but I don’t seem to “make time” for it- like I’m running from it, blackheads, multi-coloured socks, fireplaces, stockings, seesaws, Jeanette Winterson, Online Thesaurus…

Seee I’m me still :) There’s the proof… I’m not a voiceless idiot but me!

I just told my ex that I want to die. What the hell that’ll achieve I don’t know… but I haven’t really got anyone else to talk to- my life has fallen to pieces. I wish I’d never met him because I used him as a shield to protect me from my life and what was happening in it and now there’s no shield and I’m standing on my own and having to deal with it. And I’m not dealing at all. I’m just wallowing and drowning and getting more and more sick.

This too shall pass I guess. But… I wish I could get happier sooner. I wish something happy would come my way to snap me out of it.

I keep saying I’ve gotta rebuild my life but I just cut ties with one of the people who’s been there for me through everything because she told my ex that I’m not well, a thing she knew in confidence. She told him I’ve not been eating properly and that I’ve lost a lot of weight. All true but absolutely none of his business and that’s the reason he phoned me again. Not because he felt like he wanted to but because he wanted to check I wasn’t going to go and die or something.

I hate him. I hate her for gossipping about me. But mostly I hate myself because mostly it’s all my fault.