find a balance between creativity and motherhood

I’ve been having small epiphanies lately, thoughts that have me searching for all kinds of creative classes I can take. It’s something I’ve known all along but I was afraid to admit it and venture in that direction. I think sewing has finally opened this window for me. I get such a high from selling my creations. Just the fact that people actually want to buy them amazes me. I don’t want to just stop with my dolls. I WANT to be a creative powerhouse. I have so much potential and creative energy. The question is: how do I channel it? For one thing, I need to stop wasting my time attempting to do things that I know I will not be happy doing in the future. I could very well go back to court reporting school. I was doing so well, but the question kept arising: will I be happy doing this as a career? I couldn’t ever persuade myself to want it enough.

What I’ve realized is that I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I AM CREATING FOR A LIVING. It’s so simple, so basic a need that I don’t know why I’ve been trying to deny it. I have been afraid to admit this realization all along because I have been afraid of FAILING. And not just failing, but failing in my creative life where I’ve always succeeded. I have been good at every creative thing I have ever tried to do: writing, drawing, painting, digital art, websites, sewing my creations. I want to do so much more. I want to give myself the opportunity to do so much more and stop being afraid. I’m looking into all kinds of things: bookbinding, jewelry making, photography because the possibilities are endless. I don’t think I will lose anything. In fact, I know I have so much to gain.

I never have time to just sit down and reflect anymore, and I feel that I’m losing a part of myself. Thinking back to my old journals and what they meant to me makes me a little sad. I used to pour so much of myself into them; now that energy is reserved for the little one who stares up at me with such beautiful, innocent eyes. And I have to wonder: am I still that girl in those pages? Motherhood is a wonderful thing, but you have to give so much of yourself to this tiny person that relies on you for everything. I would not give that up for anything, but I need to find a way to combine the person I was with the person that I am today. Just because I’m a mother doesn’t mean I have to lose all the old parts of me, the parts that I loved. I love my son so much, but still at times, I feel I can give more to him, more of myself to him. And yet, I don’t want to lose myself, as well.

I am a mother, but this mother is also a wife, a writer, a painter, a lover of creativity…Can I be all of these, too?

Rosy in the sunshine state, wrote the following post which I think is incredible:

“Here is the balance between creativity and motherhood:

THEY ARE THE SAME THING.

Creativity and motherhood are not separate entities. One does not detract from the other and there is no weighting one by shorting the other. It is not about stealing time for creativity from being a mother and vice versa.

Where one lets off, the other begins. Not even. They work in tandem. Creativity infuses motherhood, and your motherhood colors everything about your creativity… and mostly in very good ways.

Motherhood is not an activity, it is who you are, forever. Even when the kids are with papa or sleeping or grown up and living on your own. Even when there are no kids about, you are still and always a mother. When you are writing that novel or jotting lines in a poem or painting a giant canvas or cooking a gourmet meal or knitting socks or staring up at the clouds changing shape… you are a mother and all that means.

Creativity is a holistic approach to life. It is not just about that novel/poem/painting/meal/sock/cloud, it is about the way you look at things. It is about being open to the adventure. It is about looking for new uses for old things. It is about coming up with solutions to problems that do not seem solvable. It is about seeing beauty and meaning in the mundane. Creativity is about learning to speak what is in your heart. It is about looking for and nurturing possibility. It is about feeding your soul with what nourishes and about sharing with those around you, in effect, feeding them too. And all that? That’s what it means to raise children, too.

One and the same, I tell you. One and the same. That is a thing to celebrate.”

Here is the balance between creativity and motherhood:

THEY ARE THE SAME THING.

Creativity and motherhood are not separate entities. One does not detract from the other and there is no weighting one by shorting the other. It is not about stealing time for creativity from being a mother and vice versa.

Where one lets off, the other begins. Not even. They work in tandem. Creativity infuses motherhood, and your motherhood colors everything about your creativity… and mostly in very good ways.

Motherhood is not an activity, it is who you are, forever. Even when the kids are with papa or sleeping or grown up and living on your own. Even when there are no kids about, you are still and always a mother. When you are writing that novel or jotting lines in a poem or painting a giant canvas or cooking a gourmet meal or knitting socks or staring up at the clouds changing shape… you are a mother and all that means.

Creativity is a holistic approach to life. It is not just about that novel/poem/painting/meal/sock/cloud, it is about the way you look at things. It is about being open to the adventure. It is about looking for new uses for old things. It is about coming up with solutions to problems that do not seem solvable. It is about seeing beauty and meaning in the mundane. Creativity is about learning to speak what is in your heart. It is about looking for and nurturing possibility. It is about feeding your soul with what nourishes and about sharing with those around you, in effect, feeding them too. And all that? That’s what it means to raise children, too.

One and the same, I tell you. One and the same. That is a thing to celebrate.

a mom who writes must maintain her commitment to the words. She must sit down and face the page, the fears, the demons of her past and she must simply, again and again, write.

Unlike any other writer, her time is not her own.

The demands of motherhood and often care for the house and the feeding of those in that house, and the job that brings in some money and all the other roles that a mother must play, well… all that doesn’t leave much time to leisurely explore the wreck and get those words down on the page.

I am exploring what is possible in those small spaces that a mother (me) might find in her day. While waiting for the water to heat for my shower, I wrote a poem. Maybe that is what made me dizzy, and not the heat in the bathroom or that I skipped lunch (again.)

These few weeks, I am afraid that S is going to see the reason why I am a crappy housekeeper. For a long time, I thought it was because I was just lazy and not very good at cleaning. That still may be true, but I think the real reason I suck at keeping house is because I am a writer.

Sure, other writers are able to sweep the baseboards, but I am not. And in the last few years when I have been struggling with the day to day care of two small children and a very messy house, I have also been struggling with my anemic creativity.

I think that is one of the reasons I am not as productive or as neat as I could be. The pull from one role makes me feel guilty and anxious about the neglect of the other, so I try to do little bits of both, neither of which are very effective or fulfilling.

Maybe if I commit more dedicated time to writing, I won’t feel the need to neglect the small time I have to house cleaning, and I will be energized to get something done on that front, too.

Uh oh. I hear babies.

And thus my small time is through for now.

When life throws you a whole mess of road blocks, how to get back to what you know is the right path?

I am totally discombobulated right now. New home, stuff in boxes or storage. No routine to speak of, which is really bothering me. People all around… I’m not even used to having S around this much, and now on top of him, there’s my uncle and other family members visiting.

I have my projects floating around in the ether of my head, and in the suitcases in my room.

It would be really easy to take it easy and just let the projects slide, and just let the everyday living take over, but these bumps in the road of my path are just that, bumps. I don’t want to sit down and park my butt because it’s a little rough. This is the right path.

Despite the disorganization that is my life right now, I need to take some time out for myself and allow myself to be present, not only to the here and now, but also to my higher self; the self that, not coincidentally, knows exactly what needs to be done. Reconnecting with my self will allow me to move forward, instead of stalling out.

Maybe I am not quite ready to take up my novel again. Or paint pictures to sell. Maybe there are some steps that need to happen first before I can get my footing back. Ground and center. Find that balance so that the journey can keep on going.

Life gets in the way, sometimes.

It’s hard to work on your career and creativity when the stability of your home is in question.

My creativity is very important to me, but kids and housing need to be dealt with RIGHT NOW.

I feel like once I get a break on those housing worries, and when S is no longer working at that job that demands such ridiculous, irregular hours without paying compensation (I mean, seriously, he has to go in TODAY, Sunday, for a couple of hours to open the shop for someone. Or the days when just out of the blue, that night, I find out he’s got to go on a sweep and my plans to go out with the moms get swept under the rug. [I hate his job,])and can be around more often to give me a break from being on duty, and with my family around who can offer some support, well, I think I get back to my books and my desires to publish and maybe even my desires to sell some art.

I’m hoping this new housing situation breaks open something in the rest of my life, allowing some air.

is that I can’t wait for my opportunity to go for what I want. No one is going to give it to me, not even S. It’s not up to anyone else to get my dream for me, not even my partner. I am the only one who is responsible for it.

That means I can’t wait for S to give me time off from the kids, I have to demand it. And honestly, not even ask for it. This isn’t a matter of me asking for permission to do what I need to do. This is me, figuring out what I need to do and then telling S that I need time—even better if I tell him what exact time I need. Yes, I can still be sensitive about his needs, but there comes a time when a warriormama needs to stop being sensitive to those around her, and needs to start being sensitive to her own very important needs.

Need, need, need. I think this is a big step in me taking my own creative life serious again. Demand. Harder, right now, is demanding from myself, too.

what I have always wanted my life to be, and that is creative. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I want my life to be about the creative, and the love that goes into it.

Now that my kids are starting to get a little bit older, no longer itsy bitsy babies, I have hopes that I can get back to that desire.

I’m going to take it easy to begin with. It’s hard to go from lump on a log to exuding creativity from every pore. I know this. I’ve dealt with it before. I think I will start by getting back into my journal. Come to think of it, that’s always been the way I got back into my creativity. I haven’t been writing in my journal for a while, because I’ve spent more time writing on line, but there’s some soul searching that doesn’t feel quite right to have out there in public, so I want to get back to my poor neglected journal.

Aside from the journal, though, I want to document whatever creative projects I am doing. That includes writing and art and cooking and decorating and adventures with my kids and kid projects and craft and whatever else I am putting my creative energy into.

It’s kind of like keeping a list of the things in a day that made you happy—it keeps your mind on the happy things, and allows you to let go of the bad things while paying attention to the good. Documenting the creative projects has to make me pay more attention to what I create, and release the frustration and blocks that frequently lead up to that productivity.

I also want to count the small things that I create. And I want to focus more on creating than on beating myself up for all the “shoulds” I am not doing and all the ways I fall short.

Create. Create the space to create. Allow creativity to enter into my life. Acknowledge the creativity that is already flourishing. Enourage my children to create, too.

Before Meg was born I did loads of cross stitch…and even during her first 6 months, did even more because I stitched when she slept (all the time).

However, its sooooo much more difficult now she’s a bit older. She likes to pull the threads off my lap, grab my chart and go for the scissors! Aaarrgghh! It drives me crazy!

The only time I can stitch now is in the evenings when she’s in bed, and by then, I’m often too tired or don’t feel I can concentrate enough to put the stitches in the right place!
The other frustrating thing is that its during the daytime when I’ve got all the housework done that I feel bored and want to do some of my hobbies. Meg won’t even let me read a magazine without her grabbing at it.

Has anyone else had the same problem? How do I overcome this?