stop thinking everybody else is above me

I have a real problem with focusing on physical attraction when it comes to relationships. If the man is really attractive, then I assume he will either not be faithful or not be truly interested in me. If he is not good looking or “my type” then I can’t get into him.

I am giving up on online dating because I am not able to get past the looks. However, even in real life, and in past relationships, I think I assumed that HE was more attractive than I am, so therefore, he will eventually find someone else.

My female and male friends are constantly telling me that I am attractive. I want to know why I can’t love myself as I am—I focus on every flaw I have.

My body is ok. I am 45 years old and I am fit. I have been through a couple of pregnancies and I had an emergency c-section from a car accident and I focus on my small breasts, scars, and less perky breasts. I don’t see the beautiful eyes, nice legs, nice ass (so they say.)

And what about the fact that I am really bright, loving, thoughtful, sexually open and they say sexy, speak three languages, artistic, musical, decent gardener, home owner, etc. etc. I am a good cook, and on and on….

And my whole focus is whether or not I am attractive enough to hold a man and whether or not I am attracted enough to him to be interested and whether or not the sex will be good!

When relationships end, I can see that yes, he might be good lookin’, but he is a liar, he is cheap, he has no sense of direction, and so on, and he is HUMAN, just like myself. And then back to the drawing board and in my mind I know my strengths (I am clearly able to list them and identify them.) But, back to the am I attractive enough for him/will the sex be good?

I am searching for the way to not lower my standards to butt ugly and stupid, without ruling out a really great guy, who may not look like a model (and neither do I.)

One final twist: I am extremely attracted to Black men, but my last two relationships with Black men turned out to be nightmares of infidelity and I would consider myself to have been co-dependent on at least some level. BTW, one was African-American, born in US, the other was Haitian-American, born in Haiti.

Now, I still find Black men extremely attractive, but anyone I consider attractive seems to be of high probability a playa. The other thing is that I can’t get past Hello with anyone of any color, because I now have lost complete faith and trust in men. I just run away from everyone at this point, and I am not getting any younger!

Having a little trouble with this one…

I love who I am and no longer feel that people are better than me. I try to look at people who are more successful than me or have certain attributes that I would like and try to model their behavior and LEARN from them as apposed to hating them. I think its best for all involved.

that’s where I’ll stay. I need to do this because the people at my work are all richer, blah blah, better looking blah. So because of this and my position at work I put myself at the bottom of the heap. It needs to stop because of this inferiority complex, I don’t talk to them. Which is getting me in trouble with the boss.

I think it’s because I grew up poor, and immigrated here. Everybody seems to have it made. I am shy to share what I learned about dairy and breast cancer, because I suppose everyone already knows. Same about high fructose corn syrup, peak oil, asset allocation, budgeting, energy conservation. Everyone knows all about these, and finds time for television and everything else.

I think if someone wrote or said to me: “Wow. I learned about xxxx from you, and I have to say my life is definitely better for it” this thinking I have that everybody else is above me would go away.

it took me such a long time!

i’m lucky enough to be surrounded by people who are just gorgeous. they always remind me that i’m special for them, and that they love me the way i am, and that they care about me.

once i learn to love myself the way they do, i finally accept me as the person i am. and then i stop thinking that everybody else is above me. as simple as that.

My problem is a big disconnect between self-image and the image I project to others. If I think I’m doing something really well, someone will tell me I suck and that my services are no longer required. If I’m struggling or feeling like a socially avoidant washout, people will tell me they’re in awe of what I do.

My therapist, spouse, stepmother and close friend tell me I’m being too hard on myself. All I want is to be as competent and wonderful as they are. It’s hard to accept my “Specialness” if it means accepting always a lower standard for myself, and that doesn’t guarantee I can stop thinking everybody else is above me.

I feel inferior. This is how I imagine the people in my host country to be:
“I shall rise this morning in this great and wondrous land and perform my warm up routine, then my exercises. I shall eat a perfect breakfast, take my vitamins. I shall contribute to my Roth IRA. I shall volunteer my time or make a donation. I shall drive to work and no accident will befall me. I feel great knowing I will never have cancer, so great I don’t care about state labeling laws being superseded or pre-empted by a national food labeling law, because I trust the Food and Drug Administration. Even if I didn’t trust the FDA, my superior education has prepared me for making proper nutritional choices in my life. I can read four books a week. I make so much money I can go to Europe or Asia every year. I make correct choices all the time. My superior education has led me to the classics. I wash and maintain my ride regularly. I understand the HMO system. I am properly insured. I pay attention to my career choices. I go to weekly worship. I have fabulous neighbours and we all look out for each other. My house is so tidy and clean.”

In terms of connecting to people, I always always always assume that I’m the lesser of the two. Okay, it’s not that simple, but all you really need to know is that my head is a really weird place like that. Inferiority complex or something, I don’t know. I know I’m a good person, I know what I’m capable of, I know all that. But my brain for some stupid reason rejects most all of that, and replaces it with some bullshit ‘be seen but not heard’ schtick that I can’t get past. Kind of makes actually doing things hard. Like my record label dealie. I need to get past the assumption that I’m the worst human being ever and go out there and fucking do what I need to do to get that label running! Mmmm, pep talks to myself.