write letters to him which he can't read

This is the last time I’m going to write anything. I feel like I’m finally done with it. Done with you. I’ve let you consume so much of my life lately that just don’t think I can do it anymore. Bye have a good life, who knows maybe we’ll talk again sometime. Doubt it.

So I think I’m accepting that you’re never going to change to who you were when we were together. And I should know that I guess who you really are is just not what I want for me right now; or ever. So it’s easy to let go. Now I don’t think I’m over it completely but I think I’m finally getting some of the closure I deserve. I’m started to care less and less about what you think of me as I begin to respect and value myself more. Perhaps this whole thing was prompted by recent events between myself and others where I’m starting to realize that I don’t have to be afraid to say what’s on my mind and be who I am. I don’t have to put up with crap anymore, I can just be honest about things. So now that I’m standing up for myself and realizing that I deserve better, I guess it’s easier for me also to see that you will never be able to give me what I deserve.

you are so selfish. the last times i saw you, after we had broken up… correct that, after you broke up with me… you were MEAN to me. i am sure you would deny it is intentional, but you know what? its fucked up. you’re fucked up. why do you feel the need to hurt me? is it because i am no longer an emotional wreck at losing you? its been nearly a year.

you contact me. you ask why you havent heard from me. why do i not just tell you the truth – that you make me feel bad when i see you. your anger that we’re no longer together spills over into resentment and anger and you treat me badly and thats not fun for me. i would still like to be friends with you i tell you, and i would like to hang out… and this is the truth. (i leave out the stuff about how badly you hurt me). AND THEN, you have the audacity to follow up your question with the statement that you are emotionally unable to handle meeting with me and doing things with me because youre not over me so you think it would be best if we didnt talk or communicate in any way.

REALLY. You fucking have to intrude into my life when we haven’t talked in a month, to make me feel shitty again and tell me that. I guess that means i’m going to start turning down invites for things youre going to because youre too much of a child to fucking deal with your emotions.

and what do i say to you? i say, thats fine. tell me when you’re ready because i want to be your friend. i do want to be your friend. but you know what, friends dont treat each other like this. you are being an asshole. and i don’t know if i have any more forgiveness for you. i am not a doormat and i am fucking through with you.

wow. thanks for that.

By the way, I always wanted us to have a song. Remember Ben’s was Blue Eyes? When we were trying to think of our own song he said that we had to stop thinking cause when we heard it we would know. I think he was right, although we never made it long enough to find it.

So I really want to try and take Daniel’s advice to Betty: It is harder to avoid someone than face them. I guess you can say that I have been trying to avoid you. I for some strange reason actually really want to go to the theta xi house off campus tomorrow just so you can see me being perfectly fine without you and so that I can at least try to get over the awkwardness and uncomfortableness. I think it would be good for me. I guess in some way I have somewhat of a fear towards you. Maybe I’m afraid that if I see you, then you’ll be able to see that I am still hurt by what you did. I don’t ever want to feel as vulnerable as I did then, ever again. Even though some time has passed I feel like it would still be evident to you if we were to cross paths and acknowledge each other. But perhaps if I’mm actually in a situation to see you and I’m surrounded by people that I know and feel comfortable with then I think that I could act normal. I feel confident that I would be ok with visiting your house which would have never had been an option before. I guess all I can say is can’t wait to see you! you’ll see that I have moved on for the most part and am doing so much better without you.

I have decided that I can’t continue to be like this woman who is fixated with her ex anymore. I will be doing things for myself for a while before we could truly be friends. I hope that you will be happy. I have forgiven you for everything and hope you forgive me too.

Eric, I just wanted to let you know that I still miss you. I don’t know what it is about you that keeps drawing me back. As much as I try and fight it, you just don’t seem to go away. I’ll see you again in 2 weeks and I’m a little nervous about that. I wish that we were still friends. Actualy no, I take that back. If I had one wish it would be that I wish that you never liked me in the first place. If you never liked me then I would have never had considered going on a date with you and none of this ever would have happenned. Everything would be so much simpler. I really do miss you though. I think I loved you.

because my world doesn’t revolve around you anymore.
Why doyou always check out on me nowadays?Like you are just pretending to care what I’ve been doing, whose company I’m with. I’m thinking that you are just trying to butter me up and I don’t care because sex between us would never happen again.

Don’t say you’re falling in love with me if you don’t mean it.
Don’t blame me for believing it either.