be a good stepmother

I have never been a mom and I just want to do right by the boys 2 years ago

This is the last day of my stepson’s two weeks with his dad and me—he’s going back to his mom’s house for the next two. I feel like these past two weeks were probably my best yet as a stepmom. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I did a lot of solo childcare last weekend and I feel like I did well with that. But even better, in the following week, my fiancee and I had a talk that gave me some new insight.

Being with a guy who has a child, I occasionally feel a bit trapped and start to complain about how I “have” to do this or that with his son. His response is usually to remind me that, in fact, I don’t have to—it’s pretty much up to me how involved I am in my stepson’s life, how much I play with him, whether or not I’m willing to watch him when my fiancee isn’t there.

When we talked last week, I told my fiancee how confused I felt, at that moment, about what a stepmom is “supposed” to do. I asked him what he thought the difference was between a parent and a step-parent. Part of his answer was that a step-parent isn’t obligated to cultivate a relationship with the child the way a parent is. She can certainly choose to, but she doesn’t have to—she can be much less involved with the child than a parent should be, according to my fiancee.

I think I agree with him. My feelings of obligation to my stepson are based on my own values, my vision of the kind of stepmother I want to be. I can’t choose whether or not I have a stepson… obviously, that’s part of the package deal that is my fiancee… but my choice to have a meaningful relationship with my stepson is just that, a choice.

Understanding that makes me feel better about working on this goal… more like it’s my goal, not something anyone’s forcing me to do. I’m sure I’ll still feel trapped on occasion and fantasize about being child-free… but that’s fine. After all, even “real” parents feel that way sometimes…. 3 years ago

Yesterday, my fiancee and I were talking about giving his son “the talk” about sex. He and his peers have started to giggle a bit at sexual references, so those ideas are no longer going completely over their heads—probably a sign that it’s time to clear up the basics! My fiancee agreed and decided to do it that evening. We discussed together what he should and shouldn’t go into.

Basically, we both thought it was a good idea to explain the major facts about how sex between men and women works and thus, of course, how babies are created. Also, “gay” is starting to enter his age group’s vocabulary, and although he gets its basic meaning, we wanted him to understand that sex can also exist between two men or two women; it just happens in different ways (we didn’t think it would be age-appropriate yet to explain how) and doesn’t result in babies, though gay couples can adopt and raise kids. We wanted him to know that some people just naturally happen to be gay and that it’s important to respect and not make fun of people’s preferences.

Overall, we wanted to express that sex is a private thing that we need to talk about respectfully, but we also wanted him to feel that it is okay to talk about in an appropriate way… that he can to ask his dad or me about it when he has questions.

I thought my stepson might feel more comfortable if it was just his dad telling him all this, so when the time came I went outside for a phone conversation. Later on I asked my fiancee how it went, and he said it was fine. His son just listened and asked one question, which I thought was so cute—he didn’t get how men’s and women’s ‘parts’ could fit together since the former seemed way too big. My fiancee explained that no, there’s no problem, it works just fine!

Anyway, I’m glad that this talk happened. Sometimes it seems like my stepson will never grow up, but this feels like a small yet important step in that process. Part of my goal of being a “good” stepmom is to be a positive female figure in his life… which I know will help him grow into a well-adjusted man. There may be some things I don’t have a clue about with kids, but I think I’m good at talking and educating about sex appropriately… so I feel like I made a positive contribution! 3 years ago

My fiancee currently works weekends. He does massage therapy, and he’s got a very odd schedule that was originally arranged to accommodate school (he had to drop his classes due to financial needs—he’s now looking for a new full-time job but hasn’t got it yet).

When he was trying to work out his schedule, I – in one of my moments of self-denial, apparently, and reckless zeal for doing the right thing – told him I would look after his son whenever he needed me to. Of course, I soon regretted that promise. I’m an introverted sort of person and really enjoy having quiet time to myself, and with a loud nine-year-old around trying to command my attention, that kind of time is not easy to get. I know I should just tell him to play independently when I need time to get my own things done, but I have so much trouble being assertive with him. I really don’t like permissive parenting, letting your kid’s behavior go unchecked and uncorrected, but that’s what I end up doing.

During my spring semester, I had a lot of studying to do on weekends, so my fiancee found other childcare. But now that I’m between semesters, and jobs, there’s no reason I can’t watch my stepson. I think my fiancee’s about to get a job offer, but he’s still waiting for the phone call and therefore still working at the massage clinic, unfortunately. So this weekend, I watched my stepson for 5 hours on Saturday, 6 hours on Sunday, and 4 hours today.

I think I did much better than I’ve usually done in the past. I really tried to force myself to speak up, give him things to do, and correct him when his behavior wasn’t appropriate. I also tried to just be comfortable with doing my own thing some of the time and leaving him to find activities of his own. But still, the time just crawls by, minute by minute. I wonder if that will ever change.

Of course, my stepmom persona is now completely worn out and I’m so glad he’s going back to school tomorrow…. 3 years ago

My fiancee and I have been together for 3+ years, and I’m extremely happy with our relationship. What makes it rather unconventional, though, is that he’s 13 years older than I am and has a 9-year-old son from a previous marriage. This is a situation I never expected to be in at my age, but life is full of surprises, right?

I live with my fiancee, and his son is with us half the time (two weeks out of every month). Amazingly, he has really liked me from the very beginning. He’s always hanging on me and asking me to do things with him (people are constantly touched and impressed when they see that!). Without prompting, he started calling me his stepmom even before his dad and I got engaged. Perhaps he just clicks with my personality, and perhaps it’s partly because I’ve never pressured him or tried to get him to bond with me.

So my stepson is doing a wonderful job on his end… but I feel like I could be doing better on mine. I still feel really uncomfortable correcting his behavior and asking him to do things. I do it, but it takes all my courage, even though there’s no reason to fear it. I’m just nervous around him in general, as if everything I do and say has to be perfect. The result is that I sometimes avoid being around him just so that I don’t have to feel that way. I like the idea of being a stepmom, and I’m happy that my future son or daughter will get to have him as an older brother, but I still have trouble accepting my stepson and the responsibilities that he comes with. Basically, I’m committed to doing my part, but I’m just not there yet. I’d like to come to a point where I’m totally comfortable with him as a part of my family.

I’ve made progress over time, but it’s been a lot slower than I expected. I feel like I still have a long way to go! I do a lot of good things with him (reading out loud, helping with homework, watching him for short periods of time, playing games, occasionally picking him up or taking him to school), but I’d like to do more, more often and more willingly.

There really aren’t specific steps or deadlines within this goal; it’s just something I want to pay attention to and work on. I think I’ll be a good stepmom when I feel like a good stepmom. 3 years ago

But worth it. Well worth it. :) 5 years ago