stop being such a control freak

I don’t know what that title means, ha ha.

Seriously, I keep thinking about past situations, and past people way too much. I need to just let things go. I am so consumed with looking/sounding dumb or bad that I keep going into “damage control” mode. And it’s really starting to get painful.

Painful as in… I want to learn how to keep friends in my life but I’m not sure if I’m keeping them around for the right reason. Do I just let everyone go? I’m so confused.

How angsty can this stupid goal get? ha ha.

I’ve just come to realize how bad of a control freak I am. I’ve always just thought I was spoiled, wanting everything my own way, but I’ve come to realize that it’s a control issue and it’s ruining the relationship with my boyfriend and father to our daughter. What do they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step? Well I’m admitting it and I know now I need to change it. I just need to relax and let go. Easier said than done right? Well I hope that I can do it. One day at a time. Man, I feel like I’m starting a 12 step program, haha. Well all joking aside, this is my vow to stop trying to be so controlling!!!

I feel that i need to be in control of my life, that’s generally fine…the problems come when I then lose that control and then have no idea what to do, how to act, and it’s such a horrible feeling, also the times when this happens are usually times when I feel down anyway, and therefore need to rely on that control more. So, I would like to slowly reduce the need for control in my own life, how much control do I really have over it anyway? Little by little the need for it is reducing, I think, or hope.

I feel that i need to be in control of my life, that’s generally fine…the problems come when I then lose that control and then have no idea what to do, how to act, and it’s such a horrible feeling, also the times when this happens are usually times when I feel down anyway, and therefore need to rely on that control more. So, I would like to slowly reduce the need for control in my own life, how much control do I really have over it anyway? Little by little the need for it is reducing, I think, or hope.

I don’t know why he’s put up with it and never told me to stop.. But when i step back and see what i just said it makes me sick. How can i say or act like that to someone who I want to be with for the rest of my life.. Soon we aren’t going to be able to be togerher and it will be my fault.. How do I stop myself from saying,thinking,acting so nasty?! The way things go on in my mind is there are 2 parts of me.. “s” me and “n” me.. “s” me is the rude one..”n” me is calm collective caring loving.. when “s” is talking it’s like “n” can only think and not stop whats going on..”s” has full control..Then when “n” is confronted i’m confused and turn back to “n”... What do i do?

I recognize that control is an illusion. I just know that we can impact goals in our lives if we work towards them. I think I have to leave this goal for now and just learn some patience and acceptance. Maybe I should just focus on controling myself as opposed to others… which is probably the whole idea.

It is ingrained… if I cannot trust the people around me I will never stop trying to control things. I just do not think I can pull it off. Just not me….

The course of events that have brought me to the point of seeking help on being a control freak is probably not unusual. However, I need help because in certain aspects of life…being controlling just gets in the way.
Like sex for example, I control every aspect of it. The lighting, the music, the touches, whether there is kissing or not. Why is that? My husband is very romantic, and he’ll stop in the middle of doing something and try to give me a romantic kiss. My very first reaction is to give him “a-leave-me-alone-kiss”. Why can’t I just stop and enjoy that incredible gift that my husband has to give. What is wrong with me?

How do you finally realize what she was talking about so far after the fact that you now say HELLO! ?