become a marine officer

Im currently in USMC ROTC. The military is all I have ever known, and frankly, Im not sure I would be fantastic and or happy doing anything else.

Some of the things I was worried about are, for the moment, irrelevant. I will find out this week if the hail mary pass stuff will be approved and carried forward with my application, but more immediately I was not able to get into this summer’s class because of a combination of three small things. The two I have control over are my schoolwork and my running speed, so I will continue to work on those and look forward to being extra prepared for next May.

I’m a bit sad to lose momentum on this, but it is truly not the worst of outcomes since my relationship with my family seemed to turn a corner this winter and it is a terrific time to spend a few months with them (which hasn’t happened in years). This can also be my summer of doing things that aren’t “important” and always get put off. I predict a few more goals being added and checked off of my list in the summer months.

There is so much going on in my life that it’s hard to make time for reflection, but today I accidentally outsourced that job to my boyfriend. He had a lot of encouraging things to say to me and pointed out how far I have come from the person I was five years ago, to whom this goal was little more than a pipe dream. I know that much is true, but it no longer provides very much comfort. Once you have been poked, prodded, and examined in every way imaginable (not to mention the mandatory spilling of guts on your life history), it starts to feel like there isn’t much left to do and you find yourself wishing you were a whole lot closer to the end game.

I have made a lot of progress on this goal, but some of it has involved taking steps backward. To me, continually taking steps is generally progress enough because I hate to suffer from analysis paralysis (to which I am so prone). Unfortunately, it is unclear whether my current steps backward are ultimately going to lead to more forward motion or toppling backward hopelessly. I am used to having a million back-up plans to achieve my goals and now I’m down to my last good one. There are a few cards still hidden up my sleeve if it doesn’t happen this summer, but they don’t seem any more compelling than the current plan and one of the outcomes that is possible in the next couple of weeks is the equivalent of tipping my hand.

A month ago, some friends asked me what I would do if I didn’t get in. Half jokingly, I replied, “I’m going to try again.” Everybody laughed, but I’m sure the weight of my answer was lost on them. While it’s a good sign that there are still steps for me to take if I don’t get the ideal news this month, this feels to me like the biggest Hail Mary pass of all time.

Even though I wasn’t consciously nervous about this (“just tell yourself it’s no big deal and it won’t be”), as I dressed for class and ate my brunch today, all I wanted to do was throw up. Apparently one can be absolutely sick with anticipation. I imagine that on some level it is fear, it’s the same kind of fearful anticipation you get as you climb the first peak of a roller coaster. Your stomach feels like nothing is right with the world and it only gets worse as you ascend, each click of the chains making your heart skip a beat. Then there is the tremendous relief and almost always pleasant surprise once you are plummeting back toward Earth.

The remarkable thing about these sensations is that they are not new. We have all experienced this at one time or another. The frequency with which they happen should make them commonplace and unexciting; yet they continue to thrill us! And always with that component of surprise that we love so. It is the grown up version of peek a boo – it just gets you every time.

Needless to say, I had a very positive experience at the OSO today and I am feeling very motivated.

But I finally did it yesterday. I am officially doing something about all of this now. After three years of sitting on my hands and wishing, I am finally taking action. It feels good now that I’ve had over 24 hours for the adrenaline to work its way through my system. I guess when you build something up for so long and finally look it in the face, there is only one way for things to play out: you get majorly nervous and feel like every move or sound you make is going to mess it up. And then, of course, nothing really gets messed up despite you.

I know it’s going to be uphill all the way, but I am hopeful. :)

For once (and I hope for good), all of the things I’m working toward are for me and are not working against each other. I’ve put together the outline of the puzzle and now it’s time to fill in the middle. I’m polishing up the screening questions I downloaded from the OSO’s website last night and I hope to be speaking to a real live Marine with answers and challenges for me in the next week or so. Honestly, this is the first thing I have been truly nervous about in a long time, probably because it matters so much more to me than an interviewer at some job that I probably will get bored at within a week (which consitutes about 80% of the opportunities I come across). I guess this is one of those times where I just close my eyes and jump. I try to do as much of that as I can these days…

I’ve been accepted, and am officially going this summer! I’ll be spending 10 weeks in Quantico doing PLC-C (Platoon Leaders Class-Combined) I’m excited and terrified at the same time.

I’ve sent in my application for PLC, now I’m just trying to take care of the rest of the paperwork. My doctor claimed I have sports-induced asthma 4 years ago when really, I don’t…I’ve had no problems with it, and never needed the inhalers he prescribed. BUT now I have to get pulminory tests done to make sure I don’t have it. Grrrr….