file for divorce

....is it even possible to say that I’ve been on “observe” mode for the last 2years? amazing what you deny or internalize to being something wrong about yourself. maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not doing enough etc. anyone that knows what it is truly like to live with a man with passive aggressiveness, its definition, the fact that you may not be hit physically but emotionally, and stabbed in the heart time and time again.
I haven’t figured out this wife stuff perhaps, I have my own baggage but I’ve worked so damnn hard. I’m not perfect but I have been growing and working on being a better, brighter, loving person.
The last 2years have been hard. this is my second round of depression and being off work. I fought hard to build a life with someone who wanted to be a bystander and point out what wasn’t right. around to pacify and support him, his needs.
we moved 8 times in 14 years. lost a home, filed for bankrupcy, no money, have cars reposessed, have trails of old broken down cars in our driveway, suspended lisences and stickers, pay day loans….....I feel like a HUGE ASS writing this.
for the sake of not wanting a broken home, two parents for our son- now, I can’t even have anymore children.
Yet, through all this I realize its not him, its me in thinking I was deserving of this. I can’t change him only me. i’ve grown, really grown, I know what I don’t want and I am not damaged goods. I am deserving and worthy.

no progress, forgetfullness, no ambition, blaming, EXTREME passive- aggressiveness, cruel comments, neglect, ignoring, parenting by intimidation, being negative, everyone is an idiot, isolation, no gifts or celebrations for birthdays, anniversaries, christmas just excuses, no dinners, no help, watches hours of tv, no praise, acknowledgement, no support, no understanding just give give give him…..............i’m done

Actually moving on this. It won’t be long now.

This is kind of funny. Since I’ve put this goal at the top of my list no one cheers me anymore. Not that I’m on here for cheers I just found it interesting. It’s like a disease or something.

None the less I still need to do this. It hasn’t been something I’m excited about or even want to do but it needs to be done so I put it on my list. Weird, I always thought I would be married forever. When I said I do I meant it. Thick and thin, better or worse, everything; it wasn’t meant to be I guess. Apparently those feelings only went one way. But I do still love her and I just need to be strong about this for my kids. It’s hard though. I wish I had some kind of life to fall into to help me through this.

My husband left nearly a year ago. He never filed for divorce but was the one who wanted it. He moved on to another relationship soon after he left me. I now know he had moved on to her before he left me. I can’t trust him and can’t rely on him to end our relationship for good. It’s been torture waiting for him to end this legally while I have been torturing myself trying to end it emotionally. I have to take the initiative for my sake and the sake of my children.

This is the first step for me to get a handle on my life. Now all the accomplishments are mine, all the mistakes are mine alone as well.

I went in today and finally, finally the papers were filed and now all I have to di is wait to hear back from the court for the hearing date…

Yipeee..

Just got back from the lawyer. I have to get some papers ready within 10 days time. Once that is done, the divorce proceedings can begin.. I so want this over and done with!

Still have a lot of things to do before this will be final, but I’ve filed the first batch of papers. So, the ball is rolling.

Time seems to creep by as I struggle through. My heart has been torn, I live with regret of not trying and allowing things to happen. I am sorry to my wife, my children and family. I will miss the life I had. Although I have to move on and start a new chapter.