fearlessly live the life I want to live, be who I truly want to be, welcome change, unleash my inner, creative, adventurous, warrior self, and have no apologies for it, whatsoever, to anyone

It’s important to strike a balance.

It’s a gentle reminder to check myself regularly and make sure I’m being me. :)

I want to be positive. There is so much to love about life, and about my life. There is so much to look forward to, sometimes we just don’t realize that it takes a little more creativity than we’ve been led to believe. Sometimes we get bogged down with the day-to-day, the more difficult issues, and that’s where we feel like falling apart.

While there are many parts of my life that have not worked out the way I expected or hoped for them to (understatement in some cases), I realize that I still have a pretty awesome life. I have a loving family (however small), a solid roof over my head, food on the table, shoes on my feet…I’m able to enjoy the wind in my face and the warmth of the sun, and I’m able to love with the simplicity, vivaciousness and surrender of a child. Life is good. I’ve had amazing experiences and look forward to what may come next. I’m doing more because I want to do it, just for the sheer enjoyment of it. I’m staying active because that’s what makes me happy and I’m doing things “just because”. I’m tired of sitting back and watching. I’m doing now. Again. I’m happy. I’m strong. I’m undefeatable.

mild
brave
strong
but delicate
shy
but outgoing…sometimes
quiet
rowdy…at ball games
wants to do everything
and feels let down with the thought that she might not be able to do it all.
stressed sometimes
but often a soother of others.
nurturer
no-nonsense
natural
low-key
simple in a complicated sort of way
friendly…
and anti-social by choice.
(sometimes a walking contradiction)
a lover of natural beauty
somewhat confident (nowhere near overly!)
but incredibly judgemental of myself and my choices and lacking confidence at times. (certainly working on this)
good
loving
ready for what comes next
one of a kind
intelligent
independent
interested in people and things around me, and learning more
creative
hard-working
caring
a little rough around the edges
but cleans up well

What you see is what you get – but only when you look deep enough. What will I do with this? Be the best me I can be. As far as we know, we only get one life. Do the most with what I’ve been given. Right here, right now. No excuses.

is my big phone call (we’re on different coasts). While I’ve pretty much decided that I don’t want the job as it stands, this call may be the start of more opportunity for me. So I’m taking the bull by the horns.

Had a good conversation today with one of my co-workers (who I consider a mentor). He’s overloaded with work and I am suddenly about to find myself with more time at work as a result of someone new coming on board. He’s willing to give me work that I’m drooling over. It would help him and help me experience-wise, too. We both agree this may be the perfect opportunity for me to carve a valuable place for myself with the team. Just need to get the go-ahead from the boss. I’ll start the process tomorrow…

even though I always think of myself that way. I always think that I don’t have enough experience, I’m too young, don’t have the right experience, don’t know the right people to move forward in my career. I’m starting to realize that my own thoughts may be what’s holding me back. I need to take control of these thoughts and realize that who I am is enough! I’m old enough, I’m young enough, I’m smart enough, I have enough experience, I’m motivated enough, I know the right people…I need to remember this and stop second-guessing my own ability.

Finally, the job has become available and for once I’m already working in the department. I have the educational background, familiarity with the team and area. I have the ability to do this job. So the least I can do for all parties involved is let the “powers that be” know of my interest. Who knows? It may be my big break. They may turn me down outright. But I’ll never know if I don’t try.

After all, this is one of my “things”! I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t turn around my thinking, and with it, my actions. So I’m going to “FEARLESSLY live the life I want to live, be who I truly want to be, welcome change, unleash my inner, creative, adventurous, warrior self, and have no apologies for it, whatsoever, to anyone.”

I remember waking up at 4 am one morning in a bit of a daze and feeling a bit confused… I stumbled to the bathroom and turned on the light only to not recognize the face staring at me.

Standing naked in front of the mirror my own body seemed foreign to me. The last time I could recall it, it was over 100 lbs lighter… trim, fit. My face, once beautiful and defined, was now a washed out roundish blob. My once strong, confident posture, was now weakened and my entire aura spoke of hopelessness.

I knew facts of my current life… that I was married and when. Where I had been proposed to. Even a few inside jokes, but I couldn’t remember the how… the why… the details… it was like waking up out of a daze to a life you never remember wanting and not understanding how you got there.

The mirror has always been an important part of my personal energy for me. It’s where I can look into my own soul and really search myself for what’s inside and look for those nuggets of beauty and strength to push myself forward. And so it’s seems only appropriate that this revelation would occur in front of a mirror.

Unfortunately the task to dig myself out of the weakened mess that I’d become would be a long one and though a lot of it has been improved upon, when I’d look in the mirror, I’d still see myself as the heavy girl that was so depressed and hopeless that night in the mirror.

That’s changed lately. Lately when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I’ve been shocked in the exact opposite way of that night. Suddenly I’m knocked off guard by the strong, beautiful and independent woman standing in front of me. I’m not fully back to my original weight, but I can see myself again. As I see me in my heart. And that makes me happy. :)

So, I realized I live my life often feeling like I’m a guest at someone else’s party. And not just any guest, but the guest that the host at the last minute felt bad and said,”Hey, I’m having a party in an hour…if you’re not doing anything why don’t you come? Would you mind bringing some extra ice?”

UGH! I can’t stand that I make myself feel that way. This is my life and I should feel more comfortable living it and inviting other people in to be a part of it (on my terms). But I think the fact that I have realized this about myself is a huge start. Now to discover how to GET OVER IT… I’m getting there slowly.

On the plus side, I do welcome change a lot. In fact, I find myself searching for change for myself much of the time, craving anything that allows me to grow and learn. I have friends who have often noted how strong and brave I am because they see how much I’ve done on my own. For example, I bought a house all by myself when I was 25. That’s something I SHOULD be proud of. Instead, I find that I knock myself down with thoughts like,”Well, I wouldn’t have chosen to do it alone. I had to.” I don’t know why I always think that way. Instead, I need to accept my friends’ encouragement with a simple “Thank you,” and then (here’s the key) internally acknowledge the amazingness that is me. When I actually take the time to look at myself more objectively, it makes me realize,”Yeah, I really AM a pretty incredible individual.” :)

Gradually, I’ll become a better cheerleader for myself. Definitely something to work on. This life is my party, too, and I need to be myself and enjoy each moment!

The ‘fearlessly’ part is both the most appealing part to me and the scariest part. Isn’t that ironic that fearlessness can be a scary concept?

I love the freedom that exists in being fearless and usually find myself to be pretty brave. But when it comes to sheer economics of situations, I have a difficult time being fearless. I’m good at saving despite very limited means, but that to me doesn’t require much courage. What scares me is being without income, without a job, the “what ifs” that keep me from making extreme changes. Sometimes I feel like I play it too safe, but how do I find the happy medium (vs. taking stupid risks)?

“You can’t steal second with your foot on first.”

This is one of my favorite quotes. After all, doesn’t life always come down to baseball analogies? :) I’ve often shared it with friends who have a hard time moving on after a breakup. But I think this can be applied to many aspects of life. I’m looking toward a career change right now and I know I need to be fully committed to that change in order to be happy and allow it to work.

It’s the unknowns that are holding me back and I need to get a grip. I’ve fallen before, made it through and had what I needed. And I seem to keep forgetting that it’s not all about me. I’m not doing this alone. God is ultimately not going to let me fail. I simply need to listen and follow the path that’s put before me.

We’re going to do this… gracefully…joyfully…successfully.

I think I figured out why I love Jack Black so much… cause here’s a guy who’s not the average attractive norm who’s managed to become both a rock star and a movie star. Mostly cause he seems to be someone who’s enjoying every moment of his life and sees the world as a place where no dream is too big. He’s kind of an idol to me. Funny stuff.

Lately, I’ve been losing the fear and starting to enjoy the ride of life more and more. For those of you who follow my daily gratitude goal you have seen this already, but I’ve completely fallen in love (deeper than anything before) with the idea that I don’t know what my tomorrow holds for me at all, but I know that it’s going to be an adventure.

I love this idea that I’ll be going wherever life takes me. It feels so much truer to me than anything I’ve tried before. I feel like God will just open the path I’m meant to travel before me and that this is just the start of an amazing journey. I’m pretty pumped for it. I hope that I always keep myself open enough in life to take any opportunity that lends itself to me.

When I was little (and even now), I always admired the type of people who would just flow with life and travel around about the world wherever it took them. I’ve always wanted to be like that and I feel like I’m finally getting there. Leaving behind my roots (what I’m doing now) will be the hardest bit. After that I’ll have the room to grow into the person I know I’m supposed to be.

I will not sulk any longer. I have pulled myself back up and I am ready for anything. Today is MY day and I chose to look up instead of down, back, or out into the darkness.

The song that I sing or turn to when the mountain is kicking my ass or when the thought of jumping off of a building soothes me is “Move Along” by All American Rejects. And it’s playing in my head loud and clear now.

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All American Rejects – Move Along lyrics