quit smoking pot

Guess who I ended up contacting, just to say “hi”? Ooof- “an old friend”. I’m gonna keep my distance. No point me making a big deal, I’ll just stay busy and remember the lessons I’ve learned from the past. I have a better idea of what I can and can’t handle, so I’m just going to be polite since I already added him to facebook. Agh.

Why is it that on days I don’t do pot, I feel like crying? I realize that the people I know are definitely not in touch with their feelings. Maybe they don’t even want to be… I’ve been getting closer though. Wanting to get to know my true self- whatever that means :) I’m pretty much a hermit now. With an occasional phone call to someone, preferably drug-free, to catch up and maybe chill together.

There was a time when I didn’t use anything at all, but my memories of those days are turbulent. I can’t just stop without the support of others and maybe going to meetings for the rest of my life. I’m working my way into this new life I’m living. It’s the only thing I have. So many things have been pushing me towards the things that I need to learn the most.

Well believe it or not I did not bring the key to my lock box in my desk today so I’m going to be clean today. Cheers! Yesterday sucked so bad from a pot recovery POV. Just anxious and irritable and shitty POV all day. Today much better. And yes I’ve jonsed a little but not craving. Too busy. And frankly since I’m meeting with the CEO later today it’s better that way. Tomorrow I will blaze though. Almost certain of that. An then I’m on the road again to boston and NY starting tomorrow afternoon. I will not be packing this time. Too many critical meetings with presentations for both and I need to have as much of a clear head as I can for these meetings.

Arrrrgh this is the part of coming down of the green that is the worst – irritability and anxiety. I feel like I could just scream I’m so freaking irritated. No good reason for it. Except sunday night homework, dishes, laundry ….. Grrrr…. I love my wife I love my kids I love my life. Just keep repeating that mantra.

Sunday morning. I’ve been able over the years to abstain from getting high on the weekends, at least for the past 10 years since the kids were born. The real problem is on Monday mornings. I always get the first craving in the shower and then it’s just a matter of time: get the kids up and off to school and then in the car and have a hit on the way to work. Yes I’m a workplace stoner. And a white collar exec type too. How do I get away with it? Work is pretty easy. My job involves phone work and travel mostly so there is not a whole lot of direct face to face contact so I can get away with it. And what I do involves negotiation and not any kind of complexity or analysis. So I guess I found something that can support my family and MJ lifestyle at the same time. Which in a way makes it more challenging to quit. Fact is it’s been several years since I got stoned at a party or with someone else. I don’t have any stoner friends to avoid. I buy my weed from a guy off Craigslist who has been a consistent and reliable source and who delivers to a bookstore within walking distance to work. If only I could dial it back to moderate use. Have not been successful in doing that over the years, it’s all or nothing. But here is today’s reason why I’d rather not be stoned today. Had a great sleep last night with vivid, lucid almost cinematic dreams. Kids crawled inti bed around 6am with wife and me and my 8 year old son said “daddy you make us feel so safe.” Precious. I don’t want to ever intentionally do anything that will compromise that. Today it will be easy to stay clean. Tomorrow a bigger challenge. I have a meeting with the CEO at 4:00 which is late enough in the day that I could easily get high in the morning and spend the day prepping for that meeting. I should be sufficiently lucid by then to get through the meeting.

I smoked pot everyday since september 1998. Thats a long bender. I try to think of why:
-it fills the boredom
-i like the feeling

I have been wanting to quit for a long time but did the old “last bag” several thousand dollars ago. I ran out on Oct 29th and decided this was as good a time as any to quit.

it has been ok. the weekends are the worst. BORING! I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to do something interesting and can’t for the life of me figure out what to do. For the past 10 years i have been reading, watching tv and surfing the net as my envening activities. This doesn’t seem to be cutting it anymore. Again, just not sure what do that is interesting.

No weed today. It’s locked in my office and I’m not going to go in. Enjoying a quiet morning with the kids. The day after a binge is always a bit of a drag. Brain feels heavy. Laying around is max effort. I’m actually not jonesing right now. I want a break from it.

I first smoked pot when I was 17 years old. A girl supplied the weed. Her name was Joy Wagner. Lived with her single mom in a codo community in an affluent suburb of SF. 1978. I think I remember reading somewhere that the mid-late 70s was the peak of reported pot usage among high schoolers. I remember she had a baggie full of tight little joints she called “pinners.” Remember driving hone from that day like it was yesterday. I was trying to line this girl up for the Jr prom (successfully) and was angling to get in her pants (not a success but did get in her pants a couple of times). Remember not exactly getting high that day. The conventional wisdom back then was it took a couple of times before you could really feel the effects. Anyway I kept trying and ended up buying weed from a pal for that prom to win her favor. We got a hotel room solo on Lombard St in SF and I vaguely remember blazing big fat joints and eventually getting my hands busy but nothing. We never dated again but the lasting effect was a 30 year love affair with my sweet mistress Mary Jane.

Back at JFK on my way home. A 48 hour trip for me. I’m very familiar with the parking structure across the way from the terminal. Burned my final buds in that lot many times before getting through security and settling in for the trip home. Today no weed left and it’s just as well. I’m ok with that. Gets me 6 hrs deeper into my recovery. In the seminar I started daydreaming about swinging by the office (I keep my stash locked in the credenza at work) and pinching something for tomorrow morning but I’m not going to do it. I really don’t want to be baked when J gets home all happy and sparkly from a 3 hour run tomorrow morning and I have to put on the deception again. That’s the thing that weighs most on my conscience. The deception and insincerity. That’s not how i want to be with J. Even though she’s said she doesn’t care if I get high, I want to keep it a secret and that is just not right.

I’m sitting in a professional conference. Nice people blabbing on about stuff I could give a shit about. In this case Spotlight on Social Media. Sheesh. At least I’m blazed but I would bolt at any moment. But sad to say this is what turned out to be my last high after 30+ years of blazing just about anywhere you might imagine from the coolest natural settings like the woods/beach, countless sunny dusty backroads, to airplane bathroom to a thousand different hotel rooms across the US and in London.

I just now realized my quit day is Friday the 13th. I have three key reasons why I’m quitting: for me because it’s taking a physical toll that is only going to increasingly get worse. I’m not incompacitated by any means and I don’t think there are any external signs that I smoke but I’m not in denial about the fact that smoking is bad for you. The chemical affects on my brain? I think recoverable but with the strength of the pot today one is pretty much incompacitated for hours on the stuff. Can’t work that way. Literally. And I’ve found my work product and participation is pretty below average for me recently. I might be burned out a little on work or I might just be burned out, or more likely high, and that’s beginning to show I think. And I know J* knows about it. On a psychic level. Probably not every time I do it but more often than not, especially when there is a lot of energy with me around pot – like on a day where I’m buying or burning all day – she feels a disturbance in the force. I just know it. Arriving at the NYSE now for my “Executive Think Tank” conference.