care about myself

I’m no where near this at the moment.

But I’m done with the cutting, the overdoses, deliberatly putting myself in danger.

I don’t want to be one of those people that are really causious and stuff about themselves and like ‘ohh that’s not good for you’ and stuff I want to just care enough not to hurt myself. <3

I don’t want to make this goal impossible.

I just want to care enough to not want to kill myself every waking hour.

Not easy when you are unemployed and uninsured… this is the time to find out what the term rack rate means…

I have set an appointment for next week, and I am now trying to see about lab tests needed to see where I am at.

Hopefully better than I feel….

I have spent a lifetime caring for others.

I have done this better and worse at times, but on the whole, I have cared.

I have cared about employers.

I have cared about animals I don’t know.

I have cared about causes.

I have cared about animals I DO know.

I have cared for others.

Significant others most of all.

But I have failed in the single most important things.

Without the final act of caring, all I care for is for naught.

I must in the end care most about something that I always thought of as selfish.

I must care the most…

about

Me.

So I will try.

It will not be easy.

And I start with a picture of a frozen tree…

Warmed by the sun.

And a melting of icy thoughts…

Bearing a promise

of a

future

yet to be.

when i said “i want to care sbout myself” i mean:
care about all these things “i want to do”,
care about my education and live in future,
care about the way i am,
care about my health ( in my country winters are cold and i’m still not wearing any warm hat”),
care about my look (ugly, ugly, ugly),
care about who i want to be,
care about finding new friends,
i could write more but lot of it will be the same…