Help people to understand why I do not NEED a romantic relationship to have a happy and successful life, then show them that they can do the same AND that they should LOVE themselves NOT CHANGE themselves to satisfy the wants of another human being

I still believe this, but ugh. K. Long story. Been putting of this for a long time.

K so, I was on depo for a really long time and if screwed with my emotions, my mind and my body. I shut down a lot of myself and thought that I didn’t want to be with someone. Maybe partly I believed my own crap that no one wants to be with a plus size woman (low point) and build up this facade to say, bah I don’t want to be with you. You get no choice. Meh.

Anyways, it screwed with me. In my heart I still know that I do not need a romantic relationship to have a happy and successful life, and I do show it to others but sometimes now that I am trying to find my emotional way back to what is really normal it is hard.

I was having my low lonely moments and was dealing just fine until someone came along and showed interest in me. Everything physically between us came so easily, but my unevolved emotions (off for so long hadn’t developed into maturity) got in the way.

So now, I am a little boy crazy and whatever was between us is totally gone. I feel like crap about it all the time. The fact that I enjoyed myself immensley when I was with him is a hard memory to shake.

I used to be steadfast in my resolve in this goal, but I was a different person when it began. I feel lonely. Today i don’t really feel like being strong.

Bleh, this is a low post but it needed to be said. I should also note ending the depo meant getting a period again, and that means the mood swings, and yup, I am in one full swing.

At least no one ever asks if I am dating someone, or who my lastest beau is, or why I don’t have a man blah blah blah.

There may or may not be some issues surrounding why I don’t get the third degree about my relationship status while my uber hot cousin does…but I don’t want to really pursue the potential for jealousy and jerky assumptions that stereotype plus sized feminist like gals supposedly unable to catch a man…I wouldn’t want to believe that my loved ones carry that belief about me.

Instead I would rather bask in the fact that I am free of their pesky inquisition and get to just be me without the requirement of a date for family functions….
Regardless of the fact that my singlehood and living and carring for both my mother and grandfather somehow leaves me in an everlasting child-like state. Yes, I still get the $20 gift certificate to the movies in a kid like card while my uber hot cousin married and pregnant with house and career gets a toaster oven (i would like one also) or a roasting pan, or some other adult-like gift.

I question, what does it take for everyone else to see that I am no longer a child, but an educated grown up woman? Short of going out and finding a man and falling in line with social norms what is the next possible option? Is it that leaving my mom and grandpa to fend for themselves, so I can move out and achieve my adulthood really the responsible path to adulthood? Seemingly I could own the house we live in and I will still be the kid in the family…simply because I do not have the traditional family of my own.

Perhaps this is all just in my head and all 20somethings are stuck in this stupid tunnel where we are not kids and not adults.

So I go to visit my cousins out of town, just like I always do in the summer. This time though not just one cousin, one great aunt and a few toddlers were there, they had a brunch with they very large brood in attendance. Think like 30 people with mother father, kids, their kids and some i think even their kids. So they have a family rule that the kids can only sit at the big formal table if they are married.
So there were 4 of the unweds and me, I have nearly a decade on the nearly married couple who sat at the big formal table. And the same decade goes for the kids at the not married table. So, at what point do I get to sit at the formal table with the adults?
I mean really, my brunch conversation consitted of sly snickers about pot smoking days and last nights shooter escapades. I mean give me a break. I am an educated grown up, do I really need to sit with the barely legal children because I am unwed?
So I plan never to get married hook up or whatever. I wonder when I can graduate to the formal table sans husband. Or will I forever be cutting the chicken for my cousins babies?

On 43things, on POF and on CK people are always saying the want to change this about themselve and change that about themselves. I firmly believe that there is nothing wrong with you or me, there is something wrong with what you are surrounding yourself with. If you like your arrogance or sarcasm as I like about myself you should embrace it and find others who like that about you and themselves. Surround yourself with like things not with things you think you should like. If ya know what I mean.

If you are thin and healty there is no need to aspire to something else. If you are fat and healthy there is no need to aspire to something else. You need to like yourself before others will ever like you. And if they don’t then it’s THEIR freakin loss, not yours! WHY!? Because you love you, your family loves your and your best friend loves you! Who the fuck cares what everyone else thinks? Who CARES what that drunk jerk at the bar said about your thighs.

What counts is inside you, not outside you. If you don’t like the way things are going then YOU should change the way things ar going. The forces that affect your world, that crappy car, your job, the elevator music, the lack of choice at you preferred grocery store are not things that are set in stone. You do no need to suffer silently, go somewhere freakin else.

Your lack of love is not the source of your unhappiness. If you can’t be happy alone how the heck can you be happy with someone else? Gotta like yourself for someone else to like you too.

Sorry for being so passionate about this, it may seem offensive cause I know I can be that way but freakin GRRRR. I don’t know why people can’t see the way THINGS affect them. You can only ever be you, not some absurd contortionist attempt at conformity. GRR!