find love in many guises

I was home with Jordan this weekend for a Mother’s Day cook-out at his parents’ house. I got to meet, literally, everyone on his dad’s side of the family (I met his mom’s side last Christmas).

The house was completely filled (really, it was raining outside) with about 30 people I had never met before, his relatives. Right off the bat they were hugging me and patting my butt and making fun of me and grabbing my arm… true acceptance, haha. It was a little strange, but beautiful. I felt great all day, maybe because of that. My family is like that, too, and I know that when Jordan meets them, he will experience what I experienced over the weekend. I hope he enjoys it just as much.

...but I’m marking it done and taking it off my list for the time being. Time to tighten up the list a bit!

It’s a social utility. Let’s face it: it’s a glorified MySpace in many respects (though I know nothing about MySpace). But there’s something about it that I can really appreciate: it provides a place for swift, easy, uninterrupted communication.

Someone I used to work with got married on November 17th. Over the weekend (the 8th of December), her new husband was struck by a train and killed. They were married less than one month. Words fail, truly. It’s a tragedy of huge proportions. Less than 48 hours after this happened, more than fifteen people had written to her on her Facebook profile to let her know that she was in their thoughts (and prayers, some of them). Since some of these people are mutual friends, I happen to know that she hadn’t even spoken to some of them in probably close to a year (like myself). But they wrote to her. They wrote to let her know they were thinking about her. I cannot speak from personal experience, but I think I tend to believe that words probably do not offer much comfort to a person in her situation at a time like this, but they are something. At the end of the day, you can have nothing, or you can have a pile of “I tried”s. My friend Ruth has a pile of “I tried”s on her Facebook profile. And I want to believe that even if she doesn’t appreciate them today, someday she will.

My point is this: Many of those people might not have taken the time or extended the effort to contact Ruth had it not been for the ease of the Facebook utility. Does that make them lazy or bad people? No. I think it makes them human.

How is this a post for my “find love in many guises” goal? I’m not sure. It felt right to put it here, though.

I saw my boyfriend’s parents over the weekend, and they both embody an interesting kind of love. They are probably THE least judgmental people I have ever met in my entire life. Their love for their kids is evident in everything they do, and it’s such a blessing to be able to witness that. They desire only for their children to be happy; it’s that simple. All three of their kids are responsible and mature, so it’s a really harmonious arrangement. I have to say that I envy it a little!

if only because I think it is such an important part of life and of learning how to appreciate the more subtly beautiful aspects of it.

My latest encounter with love in one of its many guises has been in the conversations I’ve had with a close friend of mine over the past couple of days. We have known each other for a little over four years, and I have learned so much from her over that time about what it means to truly care about a person, to want what’s best for them. I’m learning how to balance conversation, concern, availability, and silence. She means so much to me; if I ever get married, she will be in my wedding for sure.

Not sure how to label this type of love I witnessed tonight, but it was pretty great. Got drunk with a bunch of my younger sister’s [veryclose] college friends this evening. And felt totally accepted into the circle, even though I was definitely OUTSIDE of it, something I haven’t felt for months. Even got some hearty departing hugs from some [verycharming] young guys as we left the party. BRRRRRR! YUM. OK, they were only 2-3 years my junior, but STILL…

In any case – I’m encouraged again to connect with my own old friends, wherever they might be. And also encouraged to give new friends a chance. You never know what amazing personalities might be lurking out there…

So, something weird happened to me this weekend while I was home visiting my folks. We went for a walk on a trail that, while well-travelled, is not at all crowded.

SOMEHOW – we ran into this guy I knew and his dad, biking on the same path. I will confess: I had a deep and painful crush on this person from 7th grade all the way to high school graduation. I was so infatuated with him that I could barely speak to him – just looking at him made my stomach do flips and if I ever did have to talk to him, I blushed horribly and stammered. Real smooth.

Well, he still looks good. REAL good. :) But we had a pleasant chat and while I was a little taken aback to see him so randomly, I was happy and not nervous. He is doing really well – he went to guitar-making school and is moving to work for a really good luthier. It was a total fluke that we ran into each other – neither of us live in the area anymore, and his parents don’t live that close to the trail, so it’s very strange – but I’m so glad that we did!

It’s nice that I can have genuine feeling for him now instead of frightened and tongue-tied infatuation. He must have known how I felt long ago, but he never called attention to it or humiliated or embarrassed me for my puppy-crush. And he could have, too – he was pretty popular and confident, and I was kind of a dork in school. But he was always nice to me, even though I couldn’t ever get a whole sentence out without blushing. I guess this isn’t love, but I do have a whole lot of friendly affection for him, and I am glad that he is doing well and seems happy with his life.

Very recently I’ve had the chance to explore this question: can you love someone and be jealous of them?

In case you are wondering, you can’t, really.

I suppose it was inevitable that my crush would eventually find someone else, since nothing was ever going to happen between us. At first, I was angry, even despite having worked through it so many times. And I was sad. Sad because there is a difference (in my own weird head) between “so unlikely as to be almost impossible” and “not possible”. “Unlikely” leaves room for speculation, “not possible” does not.

So then began the tricky part of learning to know (at least somewhat) this person who now has what I sort of thought I wanted and changed “unlikely” to “not possible”. While she remained unknown to me, it was easy for me to think badly of her, and to harbor deep jealousy – it was even comfortable, in a sick and twisted way. But my small social circle being what it is, it was inevitable that I would eventually come to know her, speak with her, interact, learn about her as a person.

It happened much faster than I thought. She came along on a trip that had been planned since before she began seeing my crush – it had been planned long enough that it would have seemed strange for me not to go, and I wanted to go, crush’s new hottie be damned. On the first day, we were left alone together(!), just being lazy and talking. Both to my dismay and delight, she’s no monster, but a down-to-earth, friendly, humorous, easy-going person I could imagine having as a friend. And when I asked her about her job – it turns out that she’s a reading teacher, loves her work, and could not stop talking about her kids at school.

Well. Teaching and reading are so close to my own heart. And she was so much nicer than I expected, though I still don’t know her all that well.

I felt my heart break as I spoke to her – not into pieces with great misery – but it cracked open at the top, and it hurt all the same. It cracked open to admit the little bit I know about her, a passionate teacher and of course above all a PERSON, a person I even liked, not a demon. It cracked open a tiny bit wider to admit the thought of her and the other person together – not together in an ill-advised hump-fest as I wanted to imagine, but together in the beginnings of a relationship that actually makes some sense, though I hate to admit it. My heart cracked and stretched and is STILL stretching farther than it would like to in order to fit all this in. The jealousy went away, although the envy of them remains – I know that it, too, will fade eventually.

Sometimes loving other people is painful. But it’s heaps better than being jealous of them.

It hasn’t gone away, but it might be turning into something else. No, not THAT! (probably) I think it is developing into respect, which is a nice turn of events.

I feel really affirmed for not saying anything and not acting. I got a chance to talk to this person one-on-one for a good couple of hours last night while travelling. I was feeling a little apprehensive (talking at length with crushes in the past has been awkward), but it was comfortable, natural, and enjoyable.

At moments I still felt sad that nothing further can really come of this. But the more I talked to this person, the less I cared. They are certainly worth knowing even without that involvement.

I also wonder if this person isn’t in my life to help me build confidence in my ability to deal with my attractions to others, and to remind me not to be afraid to open my heart (gak, how cheesy is THAT?! But I can’t think of a better way to say it). I’ve been afraid of liking anyone this way for a long time due to bad past decisions. I guess I was afraid that I’m only attracted to people that are bad for me. I was also afraid that feeling attracted to someone would make me behave like an idiot or ruin any chance for genuine interaction (it has always done so before).

After talking with this person, I think they could be good for me (or at least, far better and more encouraging of growth than any I have crushed on in the past). I’m still not going to act on anything at all, and I’m pretty convinced (due to some of our conversation) that this person is unlikely to act, either. I find this strangely comforting. This one is not for me, but he has reminded me that there ARE people out there who might be interesting and attractive to me yet not assholes. There is hope.

And meanwhile I get the enjoyment of admiring someone at arm’s length for who they really are, not for what they give to me.

...but I will try.

So, I have a crush. The first one in a really, really long time.

It’s nice because it’s a bit different from other crushes in that 1) I honestly would like this person even if I weren’t a bit attracted to them 2) there are a lot of things that stand between them and I – i.e., I can’t obsess too much about something coming of this crush, because I doubt anything will 3) I am in a position to interact with them on a “semi-professional” basis regularly (no, they are NOT a coworker, I’m not that dumb!), so I can get to know them and appreciate them while still having that “safety net” of obstacles…

Okay, needlessly complicated. I’m not even to the good part yet…

Last night, I was feeling a little down because of the more or less impassable obstacles. “Why me, nothing will ever happen, I’m cursed by unrequited attraction…”. Then I realized: these barriers are a blessing. If they did not exist, who knows, I would probably do something about this attraction, and do it too early (before I’ve really gotten to enjoy this person AS A PERSON; I have a habit of this). I would be blinded to the faults and foibles of this person because I would be wholly infatuated with them.

Instead of rushing into something ill-advised, I can sit back and feel the attraction and celebrate it as my own little fun secret – and STILL get to be friends with this person, because I don’t have to wonder “should I make a move?” (it’s crystal clear to me that I shouldn’t). I daresay I can even learn what it means to love this person as a person, instead of saddling them with my desires and fantasies and creating an imaginary version of them (as I’ve done so often before) rather than really knowing them.

It is somewhat bittersweet to realize this, but I’m happy about it.