Learn the balance between Niceness and Doormat

I have said “stop, let´s put some rules” to 1 friend. He respects me more

I’ve always been shy & bit of a wallflower. More an observer I guess. I don’t think I ever learned much. >_<

I’ve always wanted people in my surroundings to feel comfortable & to be happy…. & therefore strive to make sure it is so; most of the time with complete disregard for my own comfort (which has now almost completely disappeared).

I was always taught that we are all equal, & every time I don’t consider myself before someone else I am putting them on a pedestal (in the worst case, with strangers – when one doesn’t even know if they deserve a pedestal!) therefore breaking the equilibrium.

I think unquestionably bending over backwards for people is not necessarily a bad thing because it shows a sense of humility & kindness, and keeps you from putting yourself on a pedestal, but it’s still unequality.

It’s a difficult balance to uphold, but the easiest trick is just to be honest I think. If you feel uncomfortable with a situation, but still going along with it because you don’t want to offend the person in question – be honest! Ask anyone, I think they’d rather hear it from you, rather than find out later. This is where humility & kindness truly comes into play.

I think it all boils down to having faith in YOURSELF, loving yourself. Only when you love yourself, do you have then have love to give to others. When the only happiness is found from the actions rather than from the people you’re doing it for…. well, think about it. I am.

“It’s far more difficult just to be simple than complicated”

This is a hard one, unfortunately. I am nice by nature and I care, a lot. Recently I have found that I often care more, worry more and let other people’s feelings influence me to an extent which they do not do for me. I have a hard time enjoying parties/seeing friends/whatever if someone is sulking in a corner, I can think about something someone said for days and I’ll happily drop everything to help someone out, even to the extent it ruins my plans. I let other people ruin my good time; often people I barely know, because I think it’s my job to make sure they have a good time, feel ok. But no one else ever seem to care this much about every single person around them. Everyone else seems to focus mainly on making themselves happy, which is probably a much better way of living. Seeing as everyone else seem to prioritise themselves, then surely I should prioritise me? Because I don’t think anyone else will.

Just found this ‘doormat checklist’ and it turns out I could probably be the doormat of a doormat, that’s how doormaty I am! I agreed to every single statement…
Now, how do I make a change…?

Do the following statements pertain to you? Answer true or false.

• I lie about my feelings if the truth might upset someone.
• I want people to sense it when I’ve hit my limit, without my having to say anything.
• I go blank when asked what I want, like, or think.
• My “to do” list includes things I don’t have to do, and things I don’t want to do.
• I eat, cry, smoke, or drink when I’m angry.
• I sometimes feel quite drained; I explode at my loved ones and then feel terrible about it.
• I feel panicky about the thought of someone disliking or disapproving of me.
• I feel virtuous when I override my own needs or wishes to please others.
• I feel resentful while doing things for other people.
• I complain about other people’s needs and demands when they aren’t present.

If you answered true to one of these statements, you need to work on that particular action and reaction.

If you answered true to four or more of these statements, you are definitely a “doormat.” ‘

I am a very empathetic, caring, nice, supportive person. But I can also be a bit of a doormat. I have a hard time saying no, standing up for myself, not bending over backwards to do every little thing for other people.

It’s a combination of wanting to treat everyone as I want them to treat me and hating confrontation/conflict more than anything. It’s about wanting to help others and feeling needed that sometimes makes me unaware whether I am doing things because I really want to or because I want to please. It’s about being a good girl, wanting praise and thanks and smiles, wanting others to feel good more than to feel good myself.

But the older I get, the more I realise that the good girl/please others behaviour I learnt at school isn’t doing me any good. I am a woman, not a little girl, I need to be independent and I need to stop letting people take advantage (consciously or unconsciously) of the fact that I am nice and caring. I need to learn to find a balance between being nurturing and being used.

How much repairing do I have to do? Am I a doormat?

For a brief period in my life, I was confident and assertive. Yet still nice. But now I’m back to my old ways. I’m being bullied. Again. She’s not physically hurting me, but mentally bullying me to be ‘under her spell.’ I’m not mentioninhg any names, but she knows she’s doing it. Sometimes she nice and happy, the next she’s stroppy and bossy. She bosses me around and do everything she says, just to be nice. I’m too nice! I always look for the good in people, while my friend, who can clearly see what she’s doing, doesn’t. She sees right through her. All my close friends have been bullied by her. But never stood up to her. It’s my time to show them how it’s done.

Wow, I feel like a superhero.

Yesterday one of my coworkers told me that because I don’t go to church ever sunday that I shouldn’t be able to celebrate Christmas. I really hate getting in these situations. How do you say something back to that? I’m such a nice person my brain doesn’t give me mean comebacks when someone says something mean to me. sigh

be assertive, but respect that other’s are different and may treat you differently, though.
respect yourself too. dont take crap you KNOW you don’t deserve.

Id like to do this. I still don’t know how to distinguish between the two so i think this will be a hard one – especially in my relationship.

i guess maybe ill learn when i learn.

sometimes it just seems easier to believe it will be different and it will change, or they wont say that again.

But sometimes they do. and sometimes they dont.

this will be a mission.