Feel at home in my skin

i’m getting much closer to gettin this one done, don’t give up peeps (;

to start with the massage therapy again. First task, of course, is to find a good massage therapist. Hopefully this time I can find someone who will not bring their own personal freakiness into the mix.

thx bec :) this is taking a lot of my time everyday to think of…
a week ago, when i first arrived in jordan, i wrote down a daily schedule that wud achieve me so-called great goals if only i cud stick to it,
which i still don’t, i just can’t find enough motivation as i hav no faith that if i do achieve all those goals then i will really feel good, i’m a social animal after all, and if (after i become a successful person) then people will (again) through away all that i am for the fact that im not the stereotypically wanted female earthling then why try in the 1st place? why wake up in the morning?
then last night while lying in bed i think i found a form of motivation i never expected…
as i always thought of my bestfriend who (2 days b4 his engagement party to his 12 yr long lover) passed away, just went to sleep next to his engagement tuxido and never woke up… that scared me so much as the prior night to his death i was just thinking of him and how i wasn’t sure that he afer all will be happy even when everything was going well for him, as in when someone doesn’t believe in themsleves or the world how can they go on? and his death ironically came as an answer (it probably had nothing to do with my thoughts but only the fact that he was a drinker & a junky who had used weed to successfully quit heroin with absolutely no help and even without his family suspecting a thing, bottom line his body was tired).... but ever since that day i’v been trying to always find ways to make some sense out of staying alive, out of my weird belief that the moment i run out of reasons to stay on earth i will get cancer (may god keep it away from u & ur beloved) or somehow bring myself to a death with the way i feel,
(sorry that was a long intro!)
so last night i had the feeling that i know there IS a solution for how i feel and how unfair life is, but that solution just won’t show up, it’s just so far and i hav no idea what it’s gonna be, that if it existed in the first place, and then i thought that in all movies where the solution is so blurry the only end wud be death before u ever get 2 solve anything, so i felt that maybe it was my time, that somehow cancer was being generated inside me at that very moment or that i was going to die right now cuz it’s the only solution, in highschool years i wud either just wish to die and enjoy it as a relieving fantasy or think of death as a near possibility and try to enjoy whatever life gave me in the meanwhile even if it was only heartache, but this time it was different, it felt like IT WAS TIME, and this time i didn’t want it to be, neither did i want to enjoy being hurt until death comes, this time i just wanted there to be a REAL solution, a way out where i wud live a little less sadly instead of dying of self-pitty, so i cought myself saying out loud “it is not the solution” (talking about death) and i felt that if i stop saying it then i will die immidiately and that this was the only cancer vaccine i had, so i kept saying it over & over & over again with tears falling down my face (i was also afraid i’d get myself that strange symptom that happens when cult members repeat saying emotionally strong lines), until i reached a moment when suddenly my voice tone got a bit stronger, more sure & firm, where i actually sounded truly sure that death was NOT the solution, when i heard myself say that i knew it was true, that i wasn’t just lying to myself but i really somewhere at the back of my head do believe that there WILL be a solution, even if i don’t know it now, i knew that treating myself like shit just because everyone else did was just not part of the schedule any more, and bam, i found my motivation: i’ve originally left my home country for this country to be alone and work on myself without the usual atmospheric social effects/pressures, and now after this weird bedtime thought, i’ve realised that if i keep stalling on doing myself well then there’s only one thing waiting for me and baby it is death, so either i start taking myself seriously, or it’ll only be death in one way or another, cuz i can’t take a sad sad life as a joke any more, it’s not a game, and sadness CAN kill me. so my sole motivation right now is to earn the right to live from myself again for i’ve been hurting myself for so long i shud be convicted for it. just then i felt that i cud safely stop repeating the magical phrase and, instead, start working & doing myself right.