live intentionally

but I think I’m doing this. Or at least I’m finding a balance… I still waste time, but I’m also really making an effort to make the most of life. Again, this is one of those things that comes more naturally now that I’m at home. It’s amazing what this return to Michigan has done for me. And again, though I hope to never quit working on this one, I don’t think it’s needed on my list right now. Check!

speak intentionally.

I feel like I’ll never be fully content. I feel like my job is just dragging me down and preventing me from really living my life. Not just my job, but also the inability to completely live in the moment. When I have a great time with my sister, I think of how much I’m going to miss her when I move in a couple of months. When I’m with my boyfriend, I just think that no matter how much time we spend together, it’s not enough and it’s going to come to an end too soon. This weekend I experienced both feelings at once… talk about a conflict. And now I’m feeling sluggish and alone and dreading my return to work tomorrow. UGH!

“Reality is subjective. Don’t let it be decided for you.”

... and stop living in the future. Enjoy the present, dammit!

I woke up early, cleaned up my apartment so I didn’t feel like I was living in filth, ran some errands (making time to stop and have breakfast/read a book in between), took a nap, went shopping with my sister and explored our neighborhood… it was a good day. Now I’m ending it by just chillin’ at home, and it feels good. A little lonely, but mostly I’m embracing my alone time. Days like today make life worth living.

apparently I had a bruise around it. Thank God.

I just realized that a mole on my hip is starting to look very unhealthy… it’s raised and unevenly bumpy and dark, and it looks like its spreading as it’s now surrounded by a ring of dark pink.

Fuck.

I freaked out. I just started crying. I didn’t want to scare anyone else in my life, so I kept my mouth shut. I almost told my boyfriend via text or voicemail but I kept it to myself.

I’m afraid of cancer. I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid of not living life. Yet all I want to do right now is crawl into a ball and fall asleep until it goes away.

I’ll schedule an appointment tomorrow to see a dermatologist, but I’m freaked the fuck out. FUCK.

Almost every morning I wake up feeling tired. I hit snooze until I have to get up, even though I’d much rather be a morning person who has time to fit in a workout, get ready, and relax with some breakfast and TV before leaving. Instead, I make my way to the couch where I check the standards (email, Facebook, 43T) and then rush to get ready, barely making it out the door on time.

Like a drone I make my way to the train and ride into work, during which I either shut my eyes and wish I was heading home or talk with my boyfriend to try and start the day off right. I’m lazy in the AM and usually end up taking the bus from the train station to work, even though it’s only a half-mile walk and I like walking. I guess I just don’t like walking to work.

I work for 8-9 hours each day. I hate it. I slack off by getting on 43T, writing emails back and forth with my sister, looking for new music to listen to. I feel accomplished when I complete a job well done, and although my work environment as a whole is pretty alright, I have a hard time dealing with the people I rely on most (like my boss and other superiors). I know that the work I do plays a role in the success of this organization and impacts the thousands of individuals we serve each year, but I don’t usually understand that. Instead, I loathe the time I spend in the office. I think of the things I’d rather do. I obsess over that, actually… to the point where I freak myself out that I’m going to pursue the wrong path in life. Should I pursue the social work career I’ve been working toward since I was 20? Should I embrace my love for Spanish and teach in a high school? Should I find a job that allows me to work the hours I’d prefer, like nursing, even though I’m not sure I’d love the actual work? Should I be selfish in a career or serve, as I feel I’m meant to do? What is stopping me from owning a business like a coffee shop or something of the like? Should I just do what I can to pursue happiness for now until I have a family and then push work to the back burner? Which jobs would work best with a family? Am I cut out to raise a family? Why can’t I start down that path now? Why won’t my boyfriend commit to something more until he’s done with college, even though he won’t finish until he’s at least 28? Are we really meant to be together like we think we are? Should I just pursue a life here and find jobs that seem much more interesting or return to my home to be with my loved ones and pursue a job or education that’s satisfactory but not perfect? Am I ready to leave here yet? Will I ever be ready to leave my sister, as that’s the only thing I’m really holding onto in Chicago? Who and what should be my motivating factors in life? Will I always just be looking for the greener grass on the other side?

… somewhere in between these thoughts I manage to fit in some work and some lunch :-)

I try to get out of work as soon as possible, even though I’m not going home to much but relaxation. I walk to the train station, play some Brain Age on my way home (which is pretty much just an indicator of how fried my brain is by that point in the day), debate whether or not I should buy takeout food during my walk from the train to home, come home, change my clothes, grab a drink (beer’s been a favorite, but just one) and some food and make my way to the couch, where I will lay for a couple of hours with my laptop and TV at hand. I wait for my boyfriend to get home from work and call. I sometimes fall asleep first. He calls and we often talk for way too long. If I’m tired, I crawl into bed afterwards and sleep. If not, I turn off the lights, turn down the TV, and zone out until I fall asleep on the couch.

Repeat this schedule Tuesday through Thursday. Friday nights I generally drive back to Michigan, preferably to spend the weekend with the boyfriend but sometimes to see family. On these same weekends I ALWAYS spend Sunday nights with the boyfriend, having a late dinner and staying up way past our bedtimes, then waking early to have a Monday morning coffee date. I live for my weekends. The best part is seeing my boyfriend, followed closely by not being at work. I also do enjoy seeing my fam, especially my daddy, but I hate being apart from the boyfriend. When I’m with the boyfriend, it seems like I’m always making the most of my time, even though we try to cram too much into a short amount of time because we only have 2 days together each week instead of 7 like most couples… and we don’t even get that every week. But we always make the time to go out to eat for a couple of meals, relax together, lay together… just be together and enjoy each other’s presence. Even when we’re doing nothing, I feel more like I’m living than I ever do behind this wretched desk I’m at right now. I know that I can’t spend every second of my life living like that, as work is a necessity, but how I wish I could!

So my goal in life, I suppose, is to figure out how to make every minute count – even the down time. It’s a lofty goal, especially since I can just feel myself fading as I write… my brain is slowly shutting off, and I only have 5 hours left in the office today – 3 to work on a proposal that’s due Monday (and barely even close to started), 1 to sit in on a stupid meeting, and 1 to have lunch (ha, I’m sure that won’t be an hour). I hate that I’m anxious for time to pass right now, but once I’m reunited (geographically) with my boyfriend in August, I’ll want it to stand still forever… or at least crawl. I think that this goal will be so much easier when we’re together, because he makes me feel alive and gives my life an extra sense of purpose… but that isn’t an excuse to waste the next 8+ months. Those are months that I will never get back… so I’ve got to figure this out and soon.

I wonder if today I wasn’t just looking for an excuse to ramble on. I was supposed to go shopping with my sister during lunch, but she wasn’t feeling well and went home. I would like to chat with my boyfriend, but he’s preparing for a test in just a couple of hours, then sleeping the afternoon away to make up for the only 2 hours of sleep he got last night. So that leaves me to my own devices… and thus the novel I’ve just written.

If only I could crank out work like I crank out my thoughts… I’d be able to use my work time purposefully and slack from time to time not as a procrastination tool but just as a small brain break. I’d be able to come in at 9, take a lunch, and leave at 5 without feeling like I didn’t deserve to go home. I’d have more time at home and perhaps even more energy to make use of that time instead of letting it slip away. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at things), my brain will never process work as quickly as it processes my insane thoughts.

And thus I’m back to square one… and I’ll shut up now.

through the land of the internet, that is.

I get on Facebook and click and click and click without much thought. I realize that I let my fingers get ahead of my brain and suddenly I don’t even know what I’m doing with myself or my time. What a waste, and what a way of potentially getting myself into trouble.

I guess I do this with TV, too, turning on a channel and allowing myself to zone out with whatever’s on for hours on end. Every once in awhile I think that’s necessary for my well being, but it can’t be a good thing to do that on a regular basis (like, every weekend and even on some weeknights).

It’s all about being aware of what I’m doing and allowing myself to acknowledge whether or not I’m doing what I want to be doing with my time or not… and making changes if necessary.