live alone

It’s bizarre because as much as I love my own apartment by myself, I think I would be really anxious without being able to hear the people upstairs walking around on my ceiling. I like hearing them to know someone else is here and to hear the signs of life. So in summary, I don’t really want to live alone alone, but it is kinda fun in a greedy kinda way to have your own place and have everything exactly where you left it =)

i have GREAT friends, and a supportive family. i shouldnt take those things for granted.
today, im good with it all.

i put it out there…
to make a decision.
either deal with the issues and fix, or let it go and just be how it is.
i dont think its too much to ask. and i resent having to ask to be a priority. that says everything doesnt it? i already know the answers.
i feel like a deer caught in the headlights. there are things i KNOW im supposed to be doing, but i cant remember WHY.
so i put it out there. i cant be the only one holding the rope, and i dont expect anyone else to be out there alone holding the rope.
why is it so hard to just be loved? why is that so damn hard? why is it too much to ask?

I wanted this. this is what i have to keep in mind. i wanted this. i went great lengths (1800 miles to be exact) to have this.
and today, this morning, when i woke up, the thought that kept going through my mind is that if i had a heart attack and died in my apartment, no one would find my body for months. when i cry, its in an empty apartment. I get to go drop classes today before the grade shows up on my gpa. why is this even important anymore? why is anything important anymore? because it will get better, and if im not ready for it to, then ill be caught in my houserobe and flipflops when the spotlight shines. right? right???? right? maybe? its possible….
its just lonely. and seems to be getting lonelier. but alone is what i wanted. its what i got. See what happens if you arent specific with your wishes we put out into the universe? see what happens when you dont choose the sides with your entree? you get whats available in the kitchen. whatever they have the most of.
so…
i want to be productive today. I want to address the issues on my plate, resolve them, and by the end of the day, not feel so alone. Im not saying i want crowded either, i just want to feel like its not all in vain. and i want warm weather damit. yes i do. so…powers that be, fix this. today alright? please?

i had a pretty good night at work tonight. i ate well. they feed me there sometimes. Since i have a lapband, i dont require a lot, and they like us to taste what we are serving each night. tonight on top of that i got to take home 9 bean soup. its LOVELY. i dont feel so bad. my eyes are a little more open.
i think ill sleep well! its cold tonight though, but i have the heaters going and i think its going to be ..better?
i looked good tonight. wore my new clothes. People noticed. had a gentleman come in who was attractive, more my age, and flirted with me bigtime. it was flattering. had another one flirt with me some after work over at Stork Club. a little attention goes a long way for me these days. it was enough to say, “you kinda got it goin on, and thats okay”.
so. i watched most of an episode of “my name is earl” and im fixing to go to bed. it was a decent night. Carrie agreed to model for the wine spirits paintings and will talk to the others about it. that would be very good, and exciting to do. i hope it works out.
i feel okay. :)
it was a pretty good night. beat the hell out of last night.

okay. got through yesterday. had a good day at work, then i got off work and it all went downhill. One of the hardest nights yet. Im wondering, if a person can cry as much and be physically okay? mentally? seems like every attempt to make this go away goes awry.
today, a double. tomorrow night shift, then sunday from 1-6. then homework, then class Monday all day.

i woke up again today. still invisible, still alone. hopefully work will go well. then i should just come home. maybe do homework, maybe call the boys? maybe make a list of all the crap ive done wrong and try to fix them one by one like that show, “my name is earl”.

so its confirmed. i matter about as much as a slug on his staircase. ive cut out everyone in my life in order to maintain all that, and now all that is officially, without any doubt, over.
i feel incredibly stupid. i dont know what i was thinking. how did i let this go this far? How did i let someone like him get to me? truely? i can see and im all for giving up the heart when its valid but when i look at this, i wonder what is so not functioning in my life that im losing even a single tear over this? It was nice to feel so much younger, so much something, but when i look closely, i know now that I painted all this in my own head. it all lived right here in me, and without any connection to the real world, its sad, pathetic and really really bad.
i feel completely invisible. im lonely. i need to meet more people.
i work a double today. God just get me through today with something positive happening okay? let me do good things. let this feeling just go away, no more pain okay? its been too much, and any amount is more than this was worth.
Let me dance out of this? its official. no more pretending everything is going to be okay. its not. its just me. Make that be just okay? please?

okay. so ive cleaned my apartment. ive got more time to get around in the mornings and im free to wake up at four am and wander about burping and farting if i choose to. yay.
im lonely.
its back.
great.
and when i feel okay about it, i keep hearing this song in my head from the seventies “bluer than blue”. lol. grreeeeeaaat.
“after you go, i can catch up on my readin.”
im okay. i really am. this is necessary. i know that. i just miss feeling less invisible. maybe one day right? funny. ive lost 175 lbs in the last two years. i look, better than i have in twenty years. i even look younger. i should be celebrating. theres no one around to notice or care. just me. and im not attracting anyone. theres no one here to attract. the island is full of alcholics and drug users. Not interested. and im not interested in another relationship like the one im just leaving either. so..there it is. on with another day of Bluer than blue, your connection to the heart bleeding 70’s music in real life station. lets play the video…

one thing ive noticed, is that given the isolation of “home”...i hear my own thoughts louder. also whats very obvious to me now is that i have thrown myself into things so deeply with a few situations that ive alienated all of my friends. great. fantastic.
Ive still got things i have to take care of. ill make more friends later. Hell, i already am.
what is also becoming clear, and its alarming, is the depth of the illusion i had going on. it was very powerful and i painted it that way…but it was only in my own head.
now i see what things really are, and while it makes alone lonlier, it also puts a rock solid foundation under my feet that i can count on. no doubts, no waiting around for anything. no questionmarks, no wondering. when its day its day and when its night its night, and i handle my own problems anyway. kinda eerie to discover exactly how alone you really are sometimes. If you died, no one would find your body for weeks. if not months. if you disappeared, no one would ever know or care. it takes pressure off. in a way. if they ever do wake up and come around, just tell them i disappeared. they wont come back.
and i just dont care. how can i? what is there to hang onto that with? for? doesnt change a damn thing.
so okay! Im alone. really and completely and thats the way it should be. so just be alone elly. just be alone and let it be.

i think hes taking inventory of the status of things. i know this phase is hard for him, hes slow to some things, and so very sharp at others. hes been very kind to me over our 21 years, i want to ease him into this too. i do not want to see him suffer even a moment. its difficult. and its part of everything. EVERYONE gets down. everyone gets into sludge, but i think whats important is how fast can you ungoop yourself and carry on, you know? find some good in it all and shake it up, get it going? its a start. as to what we want to happen, weather its “us” or “me” well i think both has to happen. i think “he” has to be “him” for a while, and know that im still on his side. i still care, i just need “me”. ..and that Im actually..dispite the poverty, and dispite the occassional lonely, im actually…okay. :)