live alone

I am 21 at university in halls, with parents in holidays. I want my own place so I can get settled, grow up and take a break away from my family. I’ve decided this summer is the last time I’m living here, stay in halls then definitely get a place for summer, I don’t mind sharing part of place.

its been a while and somehow id let myself follow a path i didnt choose, but i chose to follow it. led me to a brick wall and back to my empty apartment, dire poverty, and you know what????

im smiling right now. Im actually, ..dare i say…okay. Maybe even better than okay. Had a lovely visit with my middle son, and hes on his way home. hes missed every connecting flight he could (not his fault, its the airline) and hes looking forward to being back home. i miss him, but im okay.
the other thing…im great. not a tear yet, and ive BURNED the bridge. no crossing back over. that alone is …a HUGE RELIEF. each day that goes by, i wonder HOW the heck i let myself get tangled for this guy. No, we wont be doing that.

so i live alone. my electric bill is due and ive got NO money.
and i totally burned that bridge. :) not only will there be no backsliding, but i wont be able to let myself care. We arent friends. i dont know if we ever were. Knowing what i know now, i just cant. there is soooooo much i really NEED to be paying attention to and even writing about this takes up more mental energy than what its actually worth.
I gotta get ready for work, where they love me, care about me, and its all good. hopefully make some money?

Lived with my parents until I was 21. lived with my sister until I was 27. Now the significant other lives with me (he moved into the house my sister and I lived in to help with the rent.).

Living alone without arguments about bills, rent, and laundry is ideal…

It’s bizarre because as much as I love my own apartment by myself, I think I would be really anxious without being able to hear the people upstairs walking around on my ceiling. I like hearing them to know someone else is here and to hear the signs of life. So in summary, I don’t really want to live alone alone, but it is kinda fun in a greedy kinda way to have your own place and have everything exactly where you left it =)

i have GREAT friends, and a supportive family. i shouldnt take those things for granted.
today, im good with it all.

i put it out there…
to make a decision.
either deal with the issues and fix, or let it go and just be how it is.
i dont think its too much to ask. and i resent having to ask to be a priority. that says everything doesnt it? i already know the answers.
i feel like a deer caught in the headlights. there are things i KNOW im supposed to be doing, but i cant remember WHY.
so i put it out there. i cant be the only one holding the rope, and i dont expect anyone else to be out there alone holding the rope.
why is it so hard to just be loved? why is that so damn hard? why is it too much to ask?

I wanted this. this is what i have to keep in mind. i wanted this. i went great lengths (1800 miles to be exact) to have this.
and today, this morning, when i woke up, the thought that kept going through my mind is that if i had a heart attack and died in my apartment, no one would find my body for months. when i cry, its in an empty apartment. I get to go drop classes today before the grade shows up on my gpa. why is this even important anymore? why is anything important anymore? because it will get better, and if im not ready for it to, then ill be caught in my houserobe and flipflops when the spotlight shines. right? right???? right? maybe? its possible….
its just lonely. and seems to be getting lonelier. but alone is what i wanted. its what i got. See what happens if you arent specific with your wishes we put out into the universe? see what happens when you dont choose the sides with your entree? you get whats available in the kitchen. whatever they have the most of.
so…
i want to be productive today. I want to address the issues on my plate, resolve them, and by the end of the day, not feel so alone. Im not saying i want crowded either, i just want to feel like its not all in vain. and i want warm weather damit. yes i do. so…powers that be, fix this. today alright? please?

i had a pretty good night at work tonight. i ate well. they feed me there sometimes. Since i have a lapband, i dont require a lot, and they like us to taste what we are serving each night. tonight on top of that i got to take home 9 bean soup. its LOVELY. i dont feel so bad. my eyes are a little more open.
i think ill sleep well! its cold tonight though, but i have the heaters going and i think its going to be ..better?
i looked good tonight. wore my new clothes. People noticed. had a gentleman come in who was attractive, more my age, and flirted with me bigtime. it was flattering. had another one flirt with me some after work over at Stork Club. a little attention goes a long way for me these days. it was enough to say, “you kinda got it goin on, and thats okay”.
so. i watched most of an episode of “my name is earl” and im fixing to go to bed. it was a decent night. Carrie agreed to model for the wine spirits paintings and will talk to the others about it. that would be very good, and exciting to do. i hope it works out.
i feel okay. :)
it was a pretty good night. beat the hell out of last night.

okay. got through yesterday. had a good day at work, then i got off work and it all went downhill. One of the hardest nights yet. Im wondering, if a person can cry as much and be physically okay? mentally? seems like every attempt to make this go away goes awry.
today, a double. tomorrow night shift, then sunday from 1-6. then homework, then class Monday all day.

i woke up again today. still invisible, still alone. hopefully work will go well. then i should just come home. maybe do homework, maybe call the boys? maybe make a list of all the crap ive done wrong and try to fix them one by one like that show, “my name is earl”.

so its confirmed. i matter about as much as a slug on his staircase. ive cut out everyone in my life in order to maintain all that, and now all that is officially, without any doubt, over.
i feel incredibly stupid. i dont know what i was thinking. how did i let this go this far? How did i let someone like him get to me? truely? i can see and im all for giving up the heart when its valid but when i look at this, i wonder what is so not functioning in my life that im losing even a single tear over this? It was nice to feel so much younger, so much something, but when i look closely, i know now that I painted all this in my own head. it all lived right here in me, and without any connection to the real world, its sad, pathetic and really really bad.
i feel completely invisible. im lonely. i need to meet more people.
i work a double today. God just get me through today with something positive happening okay? let me do good things. let this feeling just go away, no more pain okay? its been too much, and any amount is more than this was worth.
Let me dance out of this? its official. no more pretending everything is going to be okay. its not. its just me. Make that be just okay? please?