do teshuva

Tonight we begin the season of T’shuvah in earnest with the ceremony S’lichot, when in the middle of the night we stand before the Holy Ark to pray for renewed hearts and a return to the paths that lead to life. I love helping to redress the Torah Scrolls in their white robes as the High Holy Days begin.

There is a story from Kabbalah, from the Book of Creation. It is said that the Eyn Sof – Eternal, without boundaries – performed tzimtzum, a process of contraction, so that there would be space for matter and for human free will. In the process of tzimtzum, matter and choice were created, the vessels intended to contain the light – the creative power of the universe. But as the light poured into the vessels, they were not able to contain the Eyn Sof – Infinity – and they shattered, spreading the shards of the vessels and the creative sparks across the universe. And it is the job of the human being, who possesses the free will that even the angels do not have, to separate the sparks from the shards and lift them up from world to world. This work is the holy work of Tikkun Olam, the repair of the world.

Each year at the beginning of the Month of Elul I start the process of “doing” Teshuva

Adding this to my 43things list helps me focus on what is important.

More to the point – I’m doing it. All the anger and fear has gone. I can’t say I’m serene (yet) because my life is an absolute mess which I have no clue about how to sort out. But I feel that my life is underpinned with strength and great love.

Now that Yom Kippur is over, I can say that this goal is accomplished… for now. Doing Teshuva is an ongoing act, but I can say that this goal is now completed. Very worth doing.

Some transgressions are against God, some are against people. This entry is about making amends to a co-worker.

This particular co-worker is a difficult person to deal with. Several months ago I made a few statements about him that were very negative to other co-workers behind his back. My parents always told me that if you have nothing good to say about a person, then say nothing at all. I failed at this.

Of course what I said was spoken in the heat of the moment, but that is no excuse. Word got back to him and he was crushed that I said something bad about him. After listening carefully at the Synagogue during Rosh Hoshannah, I felt I really needed to make amends.

This gentleman always brings his lunch to work to save money. I know that he loves pizza with olives. I took an early lunch and spent my lunch hour buying a fresh cheese and olive pizza and brought it to him just as he was sitting down to eat a bologna sandwich.

He asked me why I brought him the pizza and I explained about saying those very negative things about him. I told him that I knew that I hurt his feelings deeply. I told him that I was so sorry and I wanted to ask forgiveness.

He cried. I really hurt him far worse than I had realized. Through the tears he told me that I had always been such a wonderful person and nice guy, that everyone else always said so also. He said that when I had said those things about him, it was doubly hurtful because it had come from me.

He thanked me for the pizza and offered co-workers, who had been listening, a slice. He said that I was forgiven in his eyes because of my heartfelt apology and that he hoped we could be friends.

I’m the one crying now, as I type this. I hope that I have been able to make him feel better. I believe that it is even more important for “nice” people to guard the things that they say because their negative impact can be even worse.

This was a very hard thing to do today.

Proud, arrogant, so sure of myself I left the life I knew and tried anything I was interested in trying regardless of the consequences… I wanted to test life, the rules, everything and see for myself what was true and what was not. What a disappointment it all turned out to be. Hollow!

When I think about the crazy mixed-up person I’ve become, I think “How could someone like me have done something like that?”. I’ve done things that I’m ashamed of, for the first time in my life. I’ve felt like I belong in the darkness crawling under a rock or something – and only God can take that feeling and that shame away. And so for the first time in years I’m ready and prepared to say “I’m sorry. I’ve messed up. Please forgive me. Please can I come home.”—TESHUVA

And what timing! Symbolism has always been meaningful to me, and it just so happens that its Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur in a few weeks time. There is no better time to ask for a clean slate. On Rosh Hashana the past is stripped away and we stand at a new beginning and Yom Kippur is a miraculous gift when God promises to press the “delete” button on the actions and patterns that entrap us. And so on that day our lives are reconceived and planned anew. We are our perfect potential selves.

It sounds great doesn’t it? Here, give me your pile-of-junk car and I’ll give you any top-of-the-range car your heart desires. Something like that… (I have to buy a bigger car soon because I’m expecting junior #4 soon, so its yet another thing on my mind)... Anyway, Teshuva isn’t an instant change of lifestyle, but a determined change of direction.

In order to do Teshuva I have to feel remorse. This is harder than it sounds because for at least 6 years I’ve hardened myself against feelings of guilt and remorse. It’s taken the last 3 years of pain and torment to crack that hard shell. So, step one complete – I am remorseful. Can you tell how excited I am?

step two to ask for forgiveness (a long list is involved!!) and where necessary make restitution. Asking forgiveness from God was easy coz he was there anyway. The really hard part is asking forgiveness from the people I have wronged. I’m gonna have a few stiff drinks before I make that list!! I don’t like the taste of humble pie and its been many years since I’ve had to eat it.

So this is where I’m at. Still – when my children were learning to walk I rejoiced over every baby step they took and I know God feels the same way.