be sober

alright….i haven’t gotten high in a little over a month now. drinking has never been a real problem for me cause i can’t hold it anyway. my problem right now is sleeping pills. i’ve had true insomnia since i was about 14. yes there are occasions when i can sleep and wake up normally, but those are few and far in between. i take a few tylenol pm’s every night before i go to sleep. just to sleep 8hrs (if i’m lucky). when we went on a trip to ohio a little over a month ago, i forgot to bring them. i ended up getting a total of 14 hours sleep in 5 days! at the “normal” 8hrs i should have slept for 40. it really bothers me that i’m so dependent on them though. i want to just lay down and go to sleep. i envy my husband so much, he can lay down and 5min later he’s out. and he will sleep through a train. me, even if i do take them, if something happens to wake me up…that’s it. i’m done, no more sleep for me that night..unless i take a few more. and i don’t always take them right, if i’m really stressed and i need a nap i’ll take 3 or 4 at least after my husband gets home so i can go hide in my room and pass out.

ehhh….this has been a long one, i’m done writing for now

...nuff said…

I did not have a problem. I do not drink, and if I take the occasional diazepam or extra-Ritalin – as long as it is not destructive – it is not a problem.

For me, this is not worth the worry. I have other things to think about, and this is the least of my worries. I am going to focus on few things, and I will do them. I’ll do them to my utmost and I will make myself proud.

I’m not ashamed of anything that I might have done in the past. I have done this, but it isn’t worth some of the problems that can happen.

I gave up everything at one point cold turkey, and I do not reccomend this. It sent me near-insane.

It is important to focus on things that are positive in your life. It’s important not to run away from things. It’s important not to focus your energy on NOT being addicted.

For me, personally, it’s about moderation. If I do something, and it’s occasional, then there is NOTHING wrong with that at all.

It’s the first of June. I want to take a whole 30 days of being good – taking only half a med before I’m about to do some homework… i know it seems like a weird dosage, but if I manage it, then I’ll more than make up for the extras that i’ve been taking, and when my boyfriend gives me money for four months, I’ll only need money for 2 months, and then I’ll save so much money. He doesn’t need to know how much of it I have or have left. It has little to do with him.

There can be no goal without some sort of… incentive. Some poeple talk about healthy bodies, etc, but mine is for money. there is no better incentive for a man than money honestly earned these days, and by earning 150.00 for a month of soberness, and possibly more, depending on whether or not I decide to carry it on further so that I have more of my medication England – where I am going to need it most, as in thailand I am not stressed out and do not have to keep a schedule or my mind on things (a lot, hence the half a day approach).

I’m taking dietary supplements that help concentration – Omega 3 has proved useful in a study on children in Durham England, so I’ll take 6 a day if need be, if it helps me with my Ritalin problem. What better way to get rid of an addiction, by replacing it with something healthy and natural?

The ritalin helps so much I can’t deny its potency, but its grasp over me is not fair. I will be happy for its help in England, but in thailand, I do not want to learn dependancy before I hit the shores of my home country with an addiction in my body and heart. Better to be a strong lion.

I’m not off my face all the time, but I’ve not stuck to my guns. I’ve almost run out. It’s awful. I know I’d be OK without it, but it’s like being chained to something. I’m getting my refill tomorrow, and I’m almost sweating in case I don’t get it. It’s a strange feeling, but I know I’ll be OK. I just have to think about other things, and I have other ways of making myself the way that Ritalin makes me feel.

1/2 + 1/2 + 1 = 2

1/2 + 1/2 = 1.

today I had one Ritalin instead of my prescribed two. I need to be taking it twice a day, and I’m on a ‘fast’ so that I can learn to control myself and not be dependent on it.

I think when it’s the middle of the night and the early morning, I tend to get a little… emotional. I am not trusting myself enough. I am fine. I think i’ll leave this up for a bit.

I don’t want to go to the meetings. I want to do what people have always done, and that is to find the strenght within myself, and I’m sorry I don’t buy another man’s supermarket doctrine, but I can’t abide by a Higher power taking the weight.

I need to, for my higher power, and I will.

I’ll take things a day at a time, and I’ll do things that are good for me. I’ll avoid the things that are bad for me.

I have a problem with prescription drugs.

I’m going to my first meeting on Thursday.

It was good but not as good as last time. its interesting to go, I always feel incredibly emotional. there are not many places that people admit to so much personal stuff publicly.