I am finding that my work environment, at least within the department, is becoming more supportive with time. The upper administration is still as difficult, though the effect on me is more restricted since I filed the discrimination case.

I’m going to change this goal…retire it, and make a new one about monitoring my work environment to make sure it meets my needs. That means being vigilant to problems that can erupt, but also relaxing into the better moments…. 6 years ago

We won a major battle today by voting as a block and seeking support from our colleagues. It was masterful and a wonderful to behold—a group of people unafraid to do the right thing. I have been working toward this for several weeks, but to see it come to fruition was really amazing and tremendously gratifying, especially since I felt so helpless last year. Hooray for those who work together! 6 years ago

A bit of work on it accomplished this week. At the same time, I am more and more clear that I’d really like to move to DC and work for NIH. What a terrific city that would be to live in, with its multicultural background and policy resources. Maybe I want to retread into policy. Maybe I want to write calls for research in critical areas. Maybe I want to work with policy-makers who can change laws. Maybe I want to testify in hearings. Maybe I’m gearing up for a change…. 6 years ago

and I didn’t have time to write about it before the business trip.

They are asking me to be involved in an effort to create a new program that would remove me from the supervision of my current boss…..and for this reason, it may be the perfect opportunity to get into a better work environment. It would not perfect everything, but it would be much easier, I think.

I would bet it’s another year in coming, though I will start working on it now. Frankly, I almost can’t believe this is happening! 6 years ago

the 50-something pages of the complaint background material today. grueling to write up, very tiring—and now on the the work harrassment material. Push, push, push, while it’s fresh in my mind and I can do it! 6 years ago

I went to see a lawyer about the situation at work.

This fellow usually works on behalf of the employer, not the employee. I, personally, was glad. He looked a bit younger than I, unrushed, and organized, with a sardonic sense of humor that I rather liked.

He listened well, although I still find this story very difficult to tell, partly because it brings up such strong emotions, and partly because it’s just so complicated.

A couple of times he stopped me, looking incredulous.

It took about 40 minutes to walk through the basics. He asked ME what I wanted to change, and I told him basic stuff: I want an appropriate accommodation for the disability. I don’t want to ever be told to do something that’s illegal again. I want my evaluation to represent my work accurately. I do not want to be harrassed any more.

I told him it was hard to move to making a complaint, but that my gut tells me these people have no intention of treating me fairly. He said it sounded like they wanted me gone, and that negotiation was just wasted time. I do believe that’s true, although it’s not very flattering to admit.

But I have an opportunity to get them in compliance here, and I would like to leave the world someday knowing I did not walk away from a fight. So I am filing out an EEOC complaint packet some time in the next week…..and he and his paralegal are helping me. Without charge.

Given that I have no savings left, this is the only way I could get legal help, but I can’t even believe a lawyer would treat me with this much respect. I asked him why he’s doing this, not meaning to be rude—It just slipped out, because my jaw was on the floor..He said it was because he thought I deserved it. I almost cried.

He warned me that EEOC in this region turns down almost every single case they get. But he said it is the first step, and if they do that, we can discuss a federal lawsuit.

I only found this guy because Hawkmeister here on 43t looked around a bit and called a friend for me. Let me publicly thank the Great Hawk, and all you 43thing-ers, for being a network of people who have given me so much support.

I’ll probably need more of that stuff, as I file the complaint and set the wheels in motion. But I am actually relieved, with this decision behind me, because I believe it is the right thing to do. It’s MY chance to make the world better, and I’m not going to let it slip away by ignoring it. Onward…........... 6 years ago

this time the documentation I’ve prepared will be read.

I can ensure it will be read. I can take it to the EEOC.

But I can’t help but hope the Dean will make that unnecessary by responding to these concerns (and I know he will not).

Blast this indecision. I’ve sent him the documentation. If there is no clear plan in 2 weeks, I’m gone…... 6 years ago

at how difficult today has been. After spending all week having to hang on to some dignity in my job, it has been hard to “come down” from the experience today. I got everybody off to camp this morning, got home (because I couldn’t see the point in going to work), and tried to remember what I was doing before I began to wage a war.

Huh.

This is why a negative work environment is so bad for you. It sort of pushes everything else out of your brain.

Oh, yeah, there were those papers…and the analyses I was going to run, and the people I was gonna hire. Remembering something about what I need to do wasn’t the same, though, as being motivated to do it.

So I finished the summary of the situation I have to send the administrator, then picked up my girl and her friend, and we went to see The Devil Wears Prada. I think it is the same story as my last week!

It was good for my girl to see it. It was good for me as well. Time for work and motivation will come back. As it is, I’m having the physical aftereffects (searing pain), and I need to let that settle. I’ll refocus on work when I can, but not tonight! 6 years ago

I’m home again.

I’ve been home most all week. The kids had day camp, and in between driving them at different times for different classes, I stayed home, combing the evidence on this computer’s email files of work discrimination. It’s a miserable task, but it was made better by the support of all of you here. I have never felt so cared about as I struggled with a battle. That is the impact you have.

I actually get along with most people, believe it or not. My ex told so many stories about how awful I was, and dealing with this boss, I have almost become convinced that there is something bad about me that I don’t understand. Like psychological bad breath that I’m unaware of.

But nonetheless, there are some important friends here, important because they have access to information to tell me whether the things I’m being told by my boss are the truth. Their computer access, legitimate, told them that he was absolutely singling me out. They were really mad, like you were.

So one of them called my boss’s vendictive right-hand person, and informed him that it’s illegal to deny a person payment, especially when you are paying everyone else. It was enough. By this morning I knew I would get paid. But I wanted to deal with the larger problem, the pattern of harrassment.

Apparently, they passed the information on. One of them recommended that I talk to someone in the upper administration. Appropriate enough, but very frightening, because administrators rarely thank you for bringing them personnel problems.

But this administrator had been prepped by one of my friends. So when I got there today, and told him I had an hour appointment and would need that amount of time, he sat. I carefully dealt with the current problem, and then tied it to the pattern of larger harrassment. He sat, and that’s about the best I could expect, under the circumstances. I told him all of it, and he will never be able to say he didn’t know. I doubt he’s thought about the liability, but he is now responsible for dealing with it.

I told him last spring about another set of problems. He promised he would deal with my supervisor, and he admited today he didn’t do it. I did not let him off the hook. I asked him what data he needed to figure out that I was telling the truth. That took him aback, and he said a few of my emails from the inappropriate boss would be helpful. I offered to have him interview my colleagues and he declined. He knows it’s true; he just doesn’t want to have to deal with it.

I told him I needed to know HOW he was going to set about dealing with this. He planned a conversation with the boss. I told him there were certain things I thought were reasonable for me to expect: That my boss would never ask me to do anything illegal again. That he would acknowledge my worth, clearly. That he would process the paperwork for my payment promptly. That he would allow me the same opportunities to be a leader that my colleagues are afforded.

I told him I wanted to know when he would get back to me. He was surprised, and I reminded him that the problem before did NOT get dealt with. He agreed it was reasonable and said he would call me next week after he met with the individual. We shook hands. Mine was a rock, not a wounded one.

I will go back to work now. I will spend the time tomorrow organizing the emails from my boss that illustrate the harrassment, and send those on, with a written list of expectations. I will also begin an appeal of the ADA decision.

My children, my blessed children, have been old souls this week. I told them what was going on—I do believe these kids are too interpersonally perceptive to be lied to—and asked them what they thought. Both said it’s wrong, Mom, and you are going to change this.

Change is a dynamic process, fluid, passing from one individual to another. This fight will last for the rest of my life, in one form or another. It’s the fight anyone with a disability wages, the fight to be seen for one’s worth, and not for one’s limitations.

We are all disabled. We are all abled. And I am so grateful to you, you movers and shakers, you conduits of change—who supported me through this battle. I just experienced justice at your hands. Bless you all. 6 years ago

Don’t know why, well, I do, too—It’s the process of having to go through all this stuff, these hateful emails and the evidence of what happened. I am actually afraid, me! Afraid to complain.

I will do it anyway, but my gut is very unhappy…. 6 years ago

...The whole story, for the EEOC, and it kills me, to really have to see the impact this has had on me, the chronic nature of this stress….. 6 years ago

It’s shove now. It is actually a battle.

The financial officer broke today. I received an email from my supervisor denying my pay, claiming he didn’t have it. When I forwarded it to the financial officer, he couldn’t keep the company line. His conscience made him tell me no one else is being treated like this. Everyone else is getting paid.

Then he told me who to call to find out whether in fact the money isn’t there. When she told me there was plenty of money there, I started to cry.

I have never encountered frank lies from a supervisor before, clear discrimination so obvious other people can see it. They have lied to me and discriminated, and for the first time other people know who will go on the record.

It may be possible to get paid. But the pattern will go on, with this person discriminating against me in every way possible. Even the financial officer pointed out that it would not get better even if I won this battle. Both people gave me names of lawyers.

I will not go to a lawyer; I can’t afford it. But I will go the the EEOC, this week, and file a formal complaint. I have taken off the rest of the week. I will work on the paperwork. I will talk with my doctor and rehab specialist, and I will print every awful email my supervisor has sent me calling me names. I will call the head of my professional organization, who has known about the problem for 2 years, and I will call colleagues who will help me from California to Washington DC.

I will win, for me, and for all of the other people who have been treated this way and could not stand up to it.

I have discussed it with the children. Unfortunately, son was with me when I got the email illegally withholding my pay. I never want him to have to see me cry again. I’d rather have him see me win.

I say all of this, knowing that the last time I was involved in the legal system, I got screwed over royally in the divorce. But there is not another option, and I will just have to do the best that I can. If anyone knows anything about discrimination for a medical disability, especially in a university setting, or any other aspects of employment law, please let me know. This will be a long fight. 6 years ago

it is not a matter of coping; it’s a matter of discrimination. Better coping is not going to solve this.

I spent 2 hours this morning on the phone with the relevant financial officer. His tone tells me clearly I am considered a pain, but it also tells me that I’m right—that something is very wrong here. He could not coherently tell me what policy to follow. I cited the on-line policy; he said that posted policy is wrong. So there’s some other “quiet” policy that only the insiders know?

I am angry, livid really, at the ongoing harrassment. Each time I file paperwork for my pay, 30-50 emails circulate (yes, I counted). Everyone disagrees with everyone else. The university’s financial officer tells me I SHOULD have done in in a certain way; several minutes later he mentioned that NO ONE has ever done it in his recommended way.

I feel like I’m talking to the Mad Hatter. I’m frustrated, I’m criticized for no reason, he’s telling me maybe they can’t pay me the 4,000 dollars I’m owed, and to my horror, I choke up. I cannot talk without a sob. Not because I’m sad, but because I’m angry and frustrated.

These people are utterly insane. A well-meaning friend counseled me on diffusing tension, but I do that well, in normal situations. Something tells me this is not normal. I think the administration wants something they are not getting from me, and they are mad as hell about it. Me, I don’t even know what it is.

I didn’t go to sleep till 4, and was up at 6:30 to take the kids to camp. I cannot continue to function like this. I’m really hurting physically from the stress. I really, really want to go to the EEOC, but that’s a step, once taken, that can never be undone. Awh, man….................. 6 years ago

I waited as long as possible to file for my bonus from the university, because my chairman always challenges me, as if somehow I personally shouldn’t benefit from the university’s policy of giving productive faculty a certain portion of their grant funds.

He was right on cue this year—one day after I filed, his denial came, and now I will have to fight the university again, to get everyone to follow the very policy they developed.

I’m really unbelievably affected by it. The situation leaves me feeling beaten up, because there is no reason for this hassle. I have to deal with it; I have kids to support. But it hurts, this ongoing conflict.

I hesitate to look for another job, while older child has 3 more years till he finishes school. Last time I looked I found something good quickly but couldn’t take it because I wasn’t free to move. I don’t want that to happen again.

Maybe I need to draw a map out of the way from here to there. There are multiple steps, and if I highlight the link between what I do now and where it will get me, maybe I will feel less like a victim. 6 years ago

I don’t know why, but why look a gift horse in the mouth? I got up, and the extra sleep made me feel better. Got some work done this am, got back in the saddle at the office, met with some people I like, could tell I got some things done. Practicing taking some breaks while I work…discovered it actually feels good to stand up, bend from the hips, and type that way—just better blood flow maybe? Caught up on some ironing tonight…and ready for bed. Thanks Lord, for the little things. 7 years ago

seem to be washing over me. I am flailing about, trying to grasp on to any solid thing, while I whirl in these hostile words.

There are 2 streams—those having to do with the disability and those completing unrelated—converging at once, pounding me as I try to make progress in a narrow space.

The things I’m trying are not working. I have negotiated as much as I can, and negotiation will not solve anything when narciscism is behind the force of the deluge. These are not rational people, and the whole system is so uncontrolled that there are no checks and balances that can stop the forces that are battering me.

I can see very few options. One is to stop looking for anyone external to this to validate what is happening, because they can’t know. Only I know what this is like and I have to trust my gut, my instincts about what is going on.

The second is to take the risk and jump into another job, but there is the prep work. Some plan? Some smaller steps, laid out so I can see that I am making progress?

The third is to detach and not try to resist the pressure, but to relax and float above the fray. Can I work on articles, knowing this is happening and that I will no longer try to improve the situation?

I will have to. Or I will drown. 7 years ago

At work, yesterday, an explosion rocked the building, apparently, while I was sitting in a meeting, completely unaware. I was with my colleagues, problem-solving needs and directions for growth.

Later, the explosino arrived in my in-box, a memo from a colleague, that rambles and shouts, accuses me. Lots of words like “attack” are in there. Maybe I could feel less bad if I engaged in the ridiculous exercise of counting how many times the word attack is used.

I didn’t attack anybody. I’m hardly the attacking type. I do think there are more productive ways to do business.

However, in this environment, there is no one I can go to, other than one friend outside the situation who is horrified.

I have shut up shop for the day, in honor of my aching stomach. 7 years ago

this dreadful work environment. I tend to think I’m overly sensitive and then something else happens, and it’s really awful.

This week, catting infighting, standing up for a friend and colleague, watching incredibly inappropriate behavior in a professional meeting, still not paid fully, learning of catty things said about me but not what exactly they were.

I have been working and working and working, and it will never be enough. I will never be perceived as anyone special. I don’t expect more than the next person, but you know what? In the right environment, we are ALL special.

This is not the right environment for me. To deal with the criticism, I keep taking things on, and I’m so overbooked I’ve been finishing work at 9 or 10 at night. The only result is that I’m completely exhausted, my blood pressure was up when I went to the doctor today, and I feel really anxious, like something terrible is going to happen. And this is not normal for me.

I talked to my amazing doctor about it—the doctor who actually talks to me for an hour every time I go in. I described the problems and told him I didn’t know if I’m disabled or not—whether I just can’t do this job. He listened more, and finally said, this is discrimination. He said, the rule of thumb is to listen to your patients, and if you do, they will tell you what is the source of the problem. He said clearly, it was discrimination.

Fight or flight are the options. I am going to do both.

1. First, I am going to detach from as much of the work things as humanly possible, although it will not be possible for me to get my workload down much.

2. Then, I am going to structure my time carefully to only do things that are of value to me. I will have to stop investing in the program, the quality of the training, the students, etc, no matter how painful, because I will have to prepare to move on. Turn down requests to be on committees. Turn down new students.

3. Next, I need to buff my vitae and get some grants and pubs out. That is the job for next fall.

4. Do not get involved in the crazy problems of the university. At all. Don’t try to solve them.

5. Then, at about 9 month from now, start looking. Let people know.

6. If all goes well, I’d be outta here by 8/07—a year and a half. It’s a long process in this profession. Son would be starting his 11th g and girl her 7th. The lastest, if I went through 2 cycles, would be 8/08. Son would be starting his last year and daughter her 8th—It would be good if there were one more year I could wait, for their sakes, but if I wait till I’m pulverized, I don’t think it would do them any good at all.

NOW the fight part. I tell the attorney no more negotiations (for which I have to pay). Help me prepare for an EEOC complaint. I have enough emails in my computer to truly alarm them, really bad stuff that is quite illegal. The truth is that I will never be good enough for these people, not since my cancer. I had cancer right after a promotion, and then was demoted within 9 months of returning to work. Illegally. And was harrassed for months before that. And it’s just continued. WELL, THIS CASE WILL BE FOR CANCER PATIENTS EVERYWHERE. WE ARE NOT MAIMED. WE ARE NOT UNABLE TO THINK. WE ARE STRONG, VIBRANT PEOPLE WITH MUCH MORE TO OFFER AT WORK BECAUSE OUR STRENGTH HAS BEEN TESTED.

If it takes just one woman to wake them up and make them realize they have to stop this—well, then, I am the right woman.

Use me, God. 7 years ago

My boss did my evaluation this week, and while I’m a tad less mediocre this year than last, it’s not much improvement. Worse that his overall evaluation is his summary of my achievements. We have to turn in a detailed report, and I made it very specific, since he listed my accomplishments wrong last year, underestimating my work significantly. This year he did the same thing. This is not nebulous—He reports I only did 1 presentation, when I did 3, and so on, across every area of my professional work.

I am really profoundly depressed about it today, and I’m surprised at myself. One colleague says the solution is to schedule a meeting with the guy and blast him with anger—he points out his eval went up when he did this. Another says avoid confronting the guy at all costs, because he will take it out on me. Too late for that one.

I wrote him an email, calmly pointing out the incorrect areas, and asking him to revise my evaluation. He hasn’t answered. This time I will go over his head if needed. But I hate every minute of this.

I just want a clear path to do my work and not be messed with. I hate inequity, and it’s pretty clear he’s angry with me for calling him on those ADA matters. That’s illegal. I truly hate this.

So I woke up feeling heavy, like a blanket was over my body, and I’ve had to drag myself through every task today. All I want to do is sleep. Some say to ignore him, because it’s not really going to have an impact on my income. But it does eventually have one, and it’s wrong. I want to tolerate it, but my body can’t. 7 years ago

OK, I finally emailed Susan yesterday. About time…... 7 years ago

haven’t done it yet. Wonder if it would help to have lunch with any of my compatriates? 7 years ago

call Sue 7 years ago