keep a daily list of what I've done right to counteract my warped self image

It’s been a blast, and useful in many ways. But I need something framed a little more precisely for my exact needs.

One pattern I’ve noticed in the past, and one which I’ve noticed repeating itself recently, is that when my self-esteem and self-confidence dips, I neglect myself and concentrate on others. I start doing good turns like nobody’s business and become meek, allowing others to dominate me, and relegating my own feelings and needs to the bottom of the pack.

It’s as if I think raising my likeability and usefulness in their eyes will help me feel better about myself, because what others think of me is most important. I can see where I’m coming from with this, and why I do it, but it rarely, if ever, works. The message that I send myself is that I am not as important or worthy as other people, and that’s bullshit. I’m actually better than most people (kidding, kids). And becoming malleowoman makes it harder then ever to ask for help – even when I do manage to bring myself to clumsily steer the conversation towards the subject (and god, how embarrassed and unworthy of attention I sometimes feel when I do that), how badly I need help doesn’t seem to come across all that well. I underplay it, I’m unassertive, the moment slides, I can’t bring it back, I’m left feeling even worse than before, and I wind up people-pleasing to make myself feel better and to get some attention.

If you look at these lists, it’s clear how much I do for others. I don’t resent doing it (though sometimes I resent it going unnoticed), but the very wording of this goal allows me to list stuff I do for other people, and its existence encourages me to do stuff for others so that I can put it on the list and prove my usefulness to the world. Plus, the “done right” element of it panders to my already overindulged perfectionist side.

Well, I’m a big mess of insecurity, deference and self-loathing right now. What I need to be concentrating on is feeling better about doing stuff for myself and recognising what’s great about me, whether I do it well, badly or somewhere in between. So I’m going to come up with a new goal, maybe a couple, to encourage me to do just that.

By the way, that doesn’t mean you should all stop telling me how ace I am. I just need to start joining in.

• worked efficiently
• went out for dinner with HA
• went to experimental music night
• came home and went to bed ridiculously early with hot chocolate
• did laundry and hung it up
• made nice dinner
• emptied and refilled dishwasher
• probably going to go to bed stupidly early again

• all the ticked-off stuff on my FTF list.
• was friendly, productive and polite at work.
• listened to Martha Beck while I stuffed envelopes.
• bought myself the audio book of Finding Your Own North Star from iTunes. Confusingly, it’s called Follow Your North Star. It’s still awesome.
• took myself out for coffee at lunch time.
• sat quietly in café and did Martha Beck visualisation, which was ace.
• took my multivitamin.
• put all the shopping away.
• drank a litre of water.
• made HA and myself a yummy (vegan) dinner of herby borlotti bean and spinach salad, sweet potato wedges and tahini-dill sauce.
• cleaned up after dinner.
• called my mum and listened to her talk about her latest holiday for effing ages when really I just wanted to cry.
• going to go to bed really soon.

• did my hair and makeup, put on clothes I like that I’m comfy in
• did my “week’s ten highlights” emails with Lucyann2 and Paperfaerie
• listened to Michael Neill and Dan Savage
• stuffed some envelopes (booooring)
• took my vitamin
• ate a healthy breakfast and lunch (banana bread and homemade turnip soup)
• ate Reece’s Pieces when I felt faint!
• did something I can’t blog about but which will I hope take me in a direction I in which I want to go
• all the stuff I ticked off on my FTF list
• called Pat to see if she’s OK
• called my mum (no answer)
• thanked Beppe nicely for the gift
• er, boiled the gift!
• about to do a spot of homework and eat an omelette and salad for tea

My self-esteem is taking a real battering at the moment. I feel very stuck in at least one situation which is wearing me down. I’m spending a lot of time in a place where the threat of criticism is constant, actual criticism is frequent, and support is all but nonexistent. And away from this place, it’s all gone a bit rubbish too, partly because of the emotional and energetic drain of the primary situation, and partly cos of other stuff.

It’s all come to a bit of a head lately, and I can’t even go into why on here which sucks cos I’d like to talk about it, but suffice it to say right now I feel pretty rubbish about myself, my prospects, my abilities and my… whole fucking life. I feel quite tearful and hopeless, quite a lot of the time.

Some people keep telling me that I’m great, but I can’t help thinking that if I was so damned great I wouldn’t be in the situation that I’m in. I know I can do better, so why aren’t I doing better? Or, in the words of Tai from Clueless, “If I’m too good for him, how come I’m not with him?” Why do I feel so trapped and hopeless, and like I’m living someone else’s life? This isn’t how it’s meant to be for me.

Time to drag out the done-right lists in order to prove to the world myself that I am a worthwhile person.

Weekend of 13-15 February 2009

• everything that I’ve ticked off on my FTF list including shovelling up (not kidding) a whole binbagful of dog poo and dead leaves from my front yard (I fucking hate dogs and their selfish fucking non-poo-picking-up owners)
• bought myself some ace blue wellies with stars on to keep in the car
• had a lovely supportive email chat with Calypte (her supporting me, <3 Calypte)
• got a really good word in Scrabble game with Paperfaerie
• brought Headapollo coffee and breakfast in bed on Sunday
• ran Headapollo a bath on Friday night
• had a really nice long shower and detroll with nice products
• done a bit of homework (not enough though)
• decluttered my purse and handbag
• talked with HA about the possibility of moving house, set up an account on an estate agent’s website and looked up some houses which might be in our budget

Probably going to turn the computer off now and go and read or something. I don’t even feel like eating. What’s wrong with me? :-(

..it became clear that I do a lot. Unfortunately it also became clear that not as much of that as I’d like is geared towards creating the future I envisage for myself, and far too much of it is spent on general housekeeping, both figurative and literal. But in the last few weeks I’ve been concentrating a lot more on taking care of myself, getting time in to relax and sleep, getting away from the computer before it gets too late (some of the time), paying attention to my feelings and making sure I get breaks at work, no matter how busy it is (which isn’t very at the moment for a change). I’ve also been more loving to myself, allowing myself (like I haven’t done for years) to buy clothes, makeup and an expensive haircut and colour, all of which go to signal to my subconscious that I have value and I’m worth it. I figure if I can help myself feel good about being me, it’s going to make it a lot easier to create that life without going absolutely mental in the process.

I still need to work on doing less housework – I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum just to keep the house livable in but I still seem to wind up doing about four loads of laundry every week, loading and emptying the dishwasher every other day, cleaning the bathroom every week, blah blah blah… and the house is still messy, stinky, dusty and disgusting. I’m not sure what I can do about it. Unlike many things, it’s not just a case of changing my perception of it – having a new perception doesn’t help when you’ve run out of clean knickers.

I did notice that some days I actively tried to do more just so I could put it on the list. I can’t work out whether I’m trying to please myself with my acheivement or play to the audience. Some people do seem impressed by that sort of thing but at the same time why does the idea of impressing them appeal to me? That’s a whole book in itself. On balance, though, the lists are a pretty accurate diary of my day-to-day activities. It’s funny, when I was a stoner and just sat on my arse all day I’m sure I must have got at least some of this stuff done, but I can’t remember how or when. Probably cos I was stoned.

Anyway, that was a very useful exercise, one I shall no doubt return to in the future, and definitely one I shall use with my life coaching clients.

so far…

1. looked at myself naked and accepted my body lovingly
2. showered, moisturised body and face, makeup, dressed, hair
3. made myself a nutritious breakfast
4. drove to work listening to Answer Me This
5. was cheery and productive at work
6. did a bank rec all on my own
7. took part in a Michael Heppel coaching conference call
8. emptied the dishwasher
9. fixed a glass
10. cleaned Askit’s sore face
11. hung out with people on 43T
12. made my lunch for tomorrow

1. looked at myself naked and accepted my body lovingly (both days)
2. showered, moisturised body and face, makeup, dressed, hair (both days)
3. made myself a nutritious breakfast (both days)
4. drove to and from work listening to an Inside Out Weight Loss podcast (both days)
5. was cheery and productive at work (both days)
6. emptied all the bins and cleaned the cat litter (Tues)
7. cleaned Askit’s sore face (both days, twice)
8. went to the CBT clinic (Tues)
9. did some EFT tapping as part of the Personal Peace Procedure
10. got all dressed up and made up all pretty
11. went out for an anniversary dinner with HA and reminisced about our two years together (Tues)
12. took Askit to the vet (Weds)
13. put away a load of washing (Weds)
14. did and hung out a load of washing (Weds)
15. cooked dinner for myself and Headapollo (Weds)
16. washed up the stuff that couldn’t go in the dishwasher(Weds)

1. looked at myself naked and accepted my body lovingly
2. showered, moisturised body and face, makeup, dressed, hair
3. made myself a nutritious breakfast
4. drove to work listening to an EFT podcast
5. was cheery and productive at work
6. cooked dinner for me and Headapollo
7. loaded dishwasher
8. posted meter reading
9. emailed a client an anchoring procedure step-by-step

So far…

1. Made coffee for me and HA
2. Took Askit to the vet
3. Made lunch
4. Put a load of laundry away
5. Put a load of laundry in the washer
6. Swept kitchen floor
7. Washed up things that can’t go in the dishwasher
8. Unloaded the dishwasher and put everything away
9. Loaded the dishwasher anew
10. Hung up laundry
11. Put another load of laundry in the washer
12. Wrote a set of client notes
13. Wrote a quick blog post
14. Emailed about 5 potential clients, with exercises
15. Emailed L and D