say what i feel

You critisize me for not going to church, but you sit in church every sunday and during the week you are having an extramarital affair with a married man which has carried on for the last 4 years!!!!!!

I tell you how I feel and you critisize me on that, it always BLOWS YOU AWAY… because you cannot believe that you have faults too!

You are always right and I am always wrong. Why should I bother even trying to sort things out with you?

Because I dont want to defend myself when things are said, why does that make me LOOK GUILTY… when I feel its not worth my time????

Because I am a very private person and do not walk around with my feelings and troubles in my life on my sleeve it makes me two faced???

Why when i want to just try and let things just be by gones, do you have the constant need to bring it up?

Why is it so important for you that we all sit down and talk about this, when YOU KNOW that I am the one that is going to be bullied and attacked… because you are so good at the game you play?

why do you insist on always showing me my faults and mistakes, instead of just being my friend and having fun with me?

Why do you want to make me look bad to make yourself look good?

Why are you the one friend (and your followers) to think that I am so horrible and that I am your problem to solve, when all my other friends dont have a problem with me?

Why are you always so eager to give you opinion , when you know you are not in the position to even have an opinion and the right to judge anybody by the things you do so shamelessly?

Why do I let you hurt me so deeply… when I know that it is your goal…. My sister said something so true today…

You see its going way to well with me lately and you have not part in it (because i have avoided you and the group) so now, you have to break me down… so you can be the “hero” to pick up the pieces. WHy havent I seen this a long time ago????

You have broken me, yes…. but the pieces I will pick up myself… the hurt I will heal and the strenghth I will find to defeat you , by ignoring you and your mindless games!

Why are you the only one that has such a huge problem with me and has now brainwashed others to believe the same?

Those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter…

And right now I have to say… you dont matter… cuz everything i do matters way to much to you…

I AM NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE… AND NEVER EVER EVER EVER compare me with your crazy shit stirring new little friend that is now in a mental hospital… because of shit she caused for herself…

She says I involve her in our problems, when she involved herself, calling me constantly trying to find out how things are between us and then carrying over everything I say… with a little twist here and there…. I have no sympathy…

Maybe you will all take me seriously now… AND STOP BULLYING ME EMOTIONALLY!!!!!

Oh what a horrible morning. I am so glad that I have 43Things, because it feels i have some kind of support here…

Where must I start!!! I have been in a crowd of friends for almost 15 years now. We all very close at a time, but all of a sudden things just got so bad that I decided to distant myself from this group. its a lot of back stabbing etc. “My Best Friend”, is also part of this group. Well according to me there is no such thing as a best friend (especially if you have 3 wonderful sisters). This woman has hurt me so much and so badly that I myself dont understand why i still want to have any contact with her at all. I feel im the only one who sees how evil and deceiving she is. She is very good at what she does and finally she has gotten her way to have everybody in our group dislike me, thinking I am evil and deceiving. In December the shit really hit the fan and we had it out with each other, leaving me telling her how i really felt about our friendship, which is controlled and …. she just suffocates me. I cant do anything right. I am just going to let the word vommit come out, till all is said… so to those who took the time to read this, please bare with me.
I have been quiet for so long and just grin & bared it….
She is manipulating, controlling…. And right now it feels
like she has brainwashed everybody into believing she is
mother Theresa… but I have known her longer and I
know better…. What I hate about this person.
(first I have to tell you more about myself) –
i am a single mother and have been for the last 5 years.
My husband works and lives abroad and does support us,
he is just not home and that leaves me to take care of everything… so things get very tough sometimes …
I have 3 sisters, and after my dads sudden passing in
September… I have played mom to two of them, one 30
just had her first baby (Oh i love this little sister
of mine – well I love them all) So I have been helping
her out in the first few weeks of baby’s birth, cuz things
didnt go as smoothly as we all would have wanted.
My youngest sister moved in with me, on my request.
Mom is very pre-occupied with everything and understandably
for now cant cope with anything but herself. Trying to get
little sis to find her feet in the world. She moved to my
city… trying to get her street wise… get a job… all
those things… Its a challenge… but she is willing and
im excited with her!!! Then there is my eldest sister..
3 years older… healthwise… things have not been too
well with her, so i had to play my role to nurture her
and be there for her too. I dont mind all this.
They my sisters, I LOVE THEM THAT MUCH.

Why I told you all this is, just to give you an idea

of how my life is, you will understand it later on.
Anyways…. lets get back to the “friend”.. lets call
her Eviline.. (hahahaha – that is funny)

Eviline has no sisters, one brother that is not involved in her life much… so i dont think she really understands my preoccupation with my sisters and my involvement in their lives and them in mine…. FOR ONE! Right now, at this point in time I do not have the time for tiring friendships that only contaminate my life instead of contribute to my situation. She complains she never sees me, i don’t call her… i don’t sms her… well surprise.. THAT IS WHO I AM… i just don’t do those things to start with and believe me during the week, I DON’T HAVE TIME!!! i phone my mom, the siblings, husband and that is what is important to DO right now… It sometimes seems to me that she wants everybody to love her and everybody to hate me…. (well she is 80% there) For the last 3 mnths i have just kept to myself and visiting with friends from other groups and having family weekends with the girls. Now Eviline says that makes me look guilty … part of all the back stabbing … Okay why bother continueing this letter… got some more smses… and decided to put an end to it right here. It is so fucking nausiating…!!!!! Now… lets call them John and Sally… John hs sent me an sms forwareded to Eviline too, saying a lot of shit… more like fucking brown nosing if you ask me!!!!!!!! I have called it quits… cut my losses… ITS OVER!!!! You are NOT my friends… people pleasers… at LEAST i could admit which part I did play…. I could take my punishment… when will you stop… you keep going on and on about the same thing over and over…. What silly little fucking sms

I am shacking im so mad…. Do you call these friends? She tried to destroy me… well done Michelle… i will send you a noddy badge via speed mail. You are vendictive… you are deceiving… and hopefully you will not anybody else the way you have hurt me… I almost let you destroy me… You are not worth the tears I cry now, but because I tried to be civil and with a by gones be by gones personality… with you I WILL ALWAYS LOSE!!!! And at the end of the day… what did i lose???? NOTHING!!!

You break me down, nothing I do or say is ever good enough.. you always have reasons for being down right nasty by your words and actions. YOu call that honesty… I CALL IT MEAN AS HELL!!!! You are so desperate for everybody to like you… that you had to destroy ME. That is your success…. I said tbings to other people which I MEANT… WHICH I ADMITTED! why do you have to bring it up day in and day out… Why should i let people know I have changed… WTF IS THAT????

Right now I am so mad at you that I could tell them the truth about you… but I wont, because that will make me just as bad as YOU ARE!!!!

i feel like a trapped animal in a cage and everybody is taking a whack at me…. and im helpless to defend myself…. (NO SELF PITY – description of how I feel) And yes this old girl will get up tomorrow and carry on, because that is who i am… Today was just the last day of this…. I am with actual sadness in my heart…. ended friendships that meant the world to me… but had to be done…. My heart will heal.. and my tears will dry….

BUT DONT YOU THINK for one second that you are perfect… sOmetimes i think i took the blame to much. too eager to say im sorry, to eager to admit MY FAULTS!!!

i AM heartbroken that things have to end this way…. Maybe I should have done it a long time ago.. then it would never have come to this. I cannot keep hurting like this and let all of you (under your evil spell) destory who I am. I have to fight the thoughts that I am rubish.. thoughts I have faught for so long… I cannot allow this in my life anymore… NO MORE!!!!!! NO MORE!!!!!! NO MORE!!!!!!!

i HAVE tried everything to save this, to heal what was left. I cannot do this anymore. NOW that I have told you its over, you tell me, YOU ARE BLOWN AWAY!!! Dont you read the smses i send you or dnt you take me seriously? See, that is another problem you have… thinking for me and deciding for me how I think and how I feel. YES MICHELLE, its over! Dont send me smses telling me to watch Idols.. you had your chance… you blew it… you hurt me so deeply… but that to you is besides the point, as long as you are not the one who got hurt… as long as you are not the one getting attacked!!!! You pretend to be what you are not!!!! You try and please everybody! You say I cant take criticism, but I think that is how YOU are. I am always willing to learn, willing to grow, but there is a fine line between criticism and being harsh and unkind. Even being honest means hurting people, then to me honesty definitely doesn’t pay! I played my part in all this and I will take the consequences of my words and actions, but is it really necessary that I have to pay for it every single day so that you can find some gratification???

Oh this must be the hardest thing for me to do. I would rather just let the tension rise, have a meltdown and throw a tantrum…. lock myself in my room, cry for hours, feel frustrated, BUT NEVER actually say how I feel!!!!

How does one change this?

My sister moved in with me. My father passed away recently and I told my mother to let her stay with me for a while so I can help her get on her feet. She just turned 21. Well after 2 weeks, the vibe in this house is just so tense!!! I also have a 14 year old son, which i have raised alone for the last 5 years. My husband works and stays abroad and only comes home every 3 months. Its tough… sometimes VERY TOUGH!!!!

Im a photographer and right now I have NO TIME for my business and today actually felt like just giving up my dream! I am on the run all day long doing everything expect what I WANT TO DO! It is frustrating and i seldom tell anybody how frustrating it is! I just feel i sacrifice things to help out family members whom at the end of the day I feel takes advantage of my goodness. It infuriates me!!!!! They are both slobs and does the least at home. I have a fairly big house and with the two of them, impossible to keep clean. I have 4 dogs and 2 cats which also needs to be fed, cared for etc…. leaving me with no or little time for me.

This week I am going to delegate chores and be honest with my sister to how it makes me feel when all she does all day is watch TV and play on her phone. That i am trying to help her out and that she needs to do her share.

I am feeling I am giving up MY dream to accommodate their needs. They are old enough to help me …. Going to make chore charts to show clearly what is expected of them both.

lets see how it goes….
xxx

I surprised my boss yesterday with a strong and different opinion on something that will affect everyone in the office. I need to do this more. I’m tired of staying quiet and not making waves.

I told my ex the truth about how unfair he was, about how I know that this was not my fault, and what an asshole he is. Not simply a matter of opinion… he was a jerk, and I wasn’t about to let him walk around thinking he was leaving the nice guy.

i am always cushioning everything that i say so that my friend and people I don’t like don’t get hurt. i could care less if they get mad at me because they should get over it. it is not like the end of the world if i don’t like your pants. Even if I do tell people what i am thiking they basically get all pissed of at me and well i get over it but they never do, all i want to do is slap them and say shut up you don’t know how i am feeling and you can’t tell me how I am feeling. I always find myself conforming to how i am supposed to act and feel but i generally really don’t care how your feelings are and i despratley want and need to tell people my feeling.

I had a dream the other night that I really told off my brother-in-law. I was swearing at him which is something I rarely do. Does this mean I have surpressed anger towards him? He does get on my nerves at times with comments about my work etc. Maybe the dream will get help me accomplish this goal. I am getting better at this. I don’t stay quiet nearly as much as I used to.

I don’t always say what I’m feeling so people seem to think that nothing bothers me. I should speak up more to let others know what I’m really feeling.

I’m very opinionated and I do say what I feel in situations that I feel are important. I’m a complete doormat in situations dealing with myself though. I’m the first person to stick up for others, but I generally won’t say anything if I feel I’m being mistreated.