remain in my equilibrium

..I could be as smug.

The vibrant blue skies always lift my spirits. Yesterday, it was a bright sunny day. While I wished I was outside, I knew it was going to be a great day no matter where I was.

True enough, yesterday turned out to be as close as it got to being perfect. A busy day as usual but everything went super-smooth. I was productive, focused and truly engaged. I was able to give my full concentration to the task at hand. Things didn’t get any less sucky, the phone was constantly ringing and my emails continued to come at its hectic rate. Yet, somehow yesterday these things didn’t detered me. My spirits felt like I could do anything, like I was invincible.

I greatly cherish days like this. The memory of it stay with me long after the day has passed. It reminds me that my equilibrium is essentially my state of mind. Blue skies or gray, I can determine what kind of day it’ll be. Yesterday, mind over matter came as natural as breathing.

As a bonus, I got wind of this spectacular news. That was really the high point of my day! And yes, I’m getting tickets.. today! Seriously, things seem to get better by the minute, and I don’t care when this swing becomes a slump. All I know is that on days like this, I can do most anything.

It finally dawned on me that I was about to be derailed, emotionally, mentally and physically. I don’t quite know what triggered it. Perhaps exhaustion, or the near insanity that came with yet another idiotic (armchair) commentary that floods my email from “well-meaning” colleagues.

It is not an overnight thing. I’ve been under mounting pressure lately and complete discretion has me tight-lipped on a lot of things. Unfortunately, I am yet to perfect the art of discretion. While the words do not escape my lips, the angst and anxiety are manifested in other ways. I’m having difficulty sleeping and every conscious thought revolves around work.

It has gotten so bad that I don’t even know what I’m actually feeling. The emotions are mixed like an unidentifiable potion. It’s hard to discern if it’s anger, depression or even sadness. At times, I’m overwhelmed by all three striking me simultaneously.

The fact that I am single amplifies this isolation. I don’t discuss work with my parents nor friends. Most of my closest friends are my colleagues and I am not able to confide in them with some of the stuff I know. Even sadder, I have been “advised” not to be too close to certain individuals. Apparently, I need to maintain a degree of impartiality, thus association with certain quarters will make me seem less “neutral”. I am still struggling with the validity of this statement.

A few days before Eid, I was up to my eyeballs with work. I persevered thinking the Eid holidays would mean some R&R too. Apparently I was mistaken. Eid turned out to be a very emotionally-draining episode for me. While I realised the importance of maintaining our family relations during such festivities, I was also sorely reminded that I needed some down time.. pronto! So when that didn’t happen, I dragged my sorry ass back to work feeling like I was running on empty.

I thought I needed a good cry, but for some (stupid) reason, i could not even muster a tear. In my head, that seems inexplicably sad. But in my heart, I deduced that perhaps it is not sheer frustration or that I’m subconsciously denying myself this luxury. Again, this conclusion remains elusive for now.

So in short, I’m a mess.. a nervous wreck waiting to implode (if not explode). The saving grace for now is a tentative plan to go away for 2 days with my best friend who is currently home for the holidays (she’s doing her PhD in the UK right now). We’ve agreed to go away and hang out (to catch up etc.) at some fancy resort this early November. Am yet to make reservations, but so far the plan seems intact. I hope to make the booking tomorrow.

I seriously hope this does the trick. I am up to my wits end and nothing brings me reprieve. Sadly, not even the comfort of my family and domestic life. My whole work issues are tipping the scale yet again leaving me feeling disenchanted and disengaged, from everything and everyone that was meaningful to me.

While I’ve tried to share my feelings with a few close friends, it is hard to be explicit. And this suppresses my anxiety even more. While my friends try their best to reassure me, their words ring hollow somehow. I suspect there’s something else, something deeper to this. I can’t quite put a finger on it. I just know that right now, I feel lost and empty. And nobody truly knows just how lonely I feel because of this. I have worn this mask for too long.. perfected the art of pretending I’m fine even if my insides feel crumpled and hollow. They won’t know cause I won’t tell them. I don’t believe they can help me cause even if they could, I don’t even know where to begin.

..and I had a good laugh receiving this in my email.

But then, I had a very, very long chat with someone and what she had to share with me kinda blew my groove.

I need time to make sense of things and to plan my next move.

Did I mention I never liked playing chess?

Major things are happening at work. While things are still calm for now, I expect a storm coming. Honestly, I love a good storm, as long as I am indoors. The challenge is trying to convince the one who matters that perhaps, this time around, instead of wishing it away, we should do something about it.

Work situation is less than ideal. I admit the pressure is getting intense. And it doesn’t help that I have a colleague who is getting disillusioned and panicking every few hours. I’m about to go into a war and I can’t afford to have second doubts. I may be wrong, but let me be wrong in my confident uncertainty. I am done being torn.

..are causing me to be highly reactive, which disrupts my equilibrium somewhat. I am acutely aware of the imbalance in my life right now. But pausing long enough to do something about it seems to be hard. Feels like I’m constantly running out of time.
:(

..I’m deathly calm when I’m in my equilibrium. Doesn’t sound quite right.. but sometimes, emotions do get in the way.

My equilibrium typically sees me calm and somewhat detached. I would speak carefully, weighing my words and pausing often. But my mind works twice as fast.

I would act somewhat guarded but that’s mainly cause I need to be careful of what I say these days. Discretion requires one to be cautious and not suffer from loose lips.

The only down side is the melancholy that accompanies such moods. While I am less prone to have my foot in my mouth, it also feels lonelier than usual sometimes.

Still.. loneliness is my ally these days. It helps me think, reflect and firm up my conviction, especially with the trying times I foresee up ahead.