live life on my terms

I let my parents, especially my mother, dictate a lot of what I do and think. It hasn’t served me well since I moved home from college almost 6 years ago. She did such a nice job of laying a guilt trip on me when I went to study abroad and away to college that I think that I owe her now and that’s why I’ve been at home for so long. It’s really unhealthy and I now realize that it’s unfair to lay blame on her for my current discontent, for it is me who must rearrange my life to make myself happier. If I only knew what would make me happy….

Here I am almost 30 and I havent done one thing I planned on doing. I am a admitted daydreamer…always have been and hope to always be, but I can see now how people give up on there dreams. Maybe thats not the best way to describe it…I think maybe we forget. The “daily grind” as it is called can be mind-numbing and spirit sucking for some of us. I had never questioned what it was like to be a grown-up. It just happened. I got married had a child and suddenly a house was needed, a vehicle, bills to be paid, alarm clocks, dinner to make, laundry to fold. You know the drill. Before I knew it my best friend who I use to climb trees with, run around barefoot, lay in the sun and eat yummy fruits, go on roadtrips with,(this is my husband I speak of) is gone 10 hours a day trying to make a “living” only its not living. My son is gone 8 hours of the day; (I was reminded of this when one day in a conference with his teacher she looked me in the eye and said, “im with your children more than their parents”, i felt my stomach turn.), I’ve forgotten who I am or what I like to do between making sure I get a nutritious meal on the table and clean underwear in the drawers. NO more I say…My plan when I was in my twenties was to live my life on my terms…I envisioned owning a small piece of land, somewhere sunny, warm, beautiful. Fruit trees and gardens we cultivated. My kids running around happy, watching them grow-every moment of discovery. Making pottery, working side by side as a family creating a life on our terms, and not making money and working for someone elses gated community home. So enough is enough I say- we our beginning our journey on our terms. I mean this is our life, right? This is it…

I was just writing a journal entry on another web site and had an epiphany. We really do reap the consequences of our actions for good or for bad. I’m pursuing a life dream, my life dream, and I’m suffering for it because the world around me subconsciously wants me to do things a certain way. But as of now, I will be living life on my terms, with eyes open, knowing what I’m in for, prepared to accept any consequences life can leave in my path. It’s the only way to live life on my terms.