Once and for all understand, accept and integrate whatever has been causing my self sabotaging behaviour and get on with creating a fabulously enjoyably life to the neverending benefit of myself, my family and the whole world

Yet, I think I’m doing much better at understanding me, and my self sabotaging downfalls, so I shall mark as done!

And now, being integrated it just becomes part of the story. No more or less important than anything. Nothing special. I had constructed this prison myself from figments of vaguely remembered imaginings. Gone with the wind.

Started going to a new councelor… friend of the family. Funny I’m publically admitting it, but screw it. She was awesome, actually used the phrase ‘self sabatoging behavior’ when discussing problems I have. She said ” why are you here?”, and I said ” cause I’m a mess”. So simple really. It came down to commitment, and having pride in what I do. I completley lack those things in my life, and I am going to start having them. period. cause I choose to. :)

For whatever reason, I hit zeitgeist, as I do often to see what others are doing, as I am stagnant in my progression. And someone else honed in on what I am struggling with- self- sabatoging behavior.. and summed up a goal better than anything I could have put. I am too close and scared to getting out of my comfort zone that I needed to have SOMEONE ELSE write my goal for me… to integrate the behavior… whatever it is. No need to explain it or justify, just turn it around and make it positive. So thank you to who ever wrote this goal, I forget your name now, and I am taking it on now as my own :)

I don’t wonder what it is, this sadness.
No need to know, just a bit of curiosity.
That long lost file in my cranium,
craving clutter and chaos on which to feed.
So sure that it is it
that keeps the wolf from the door.
All this time, it has just been the defense
that made the attack.
No wolf, no door, no attack, no defense.
Put it in any order, it doesn’t matter.
After the storm, sweep up the leaves.
The sun will dry the path.
Fallen branches which once blocked the Way
Can now be used for firewood.
After the storm.

The best way to begin, is….(drumroll)
To begin!

Get on with it!
TGI

Underway. Finally found a way to get past what has always been the biggest obstacle. Getting Started. All I asked, demanded promised of myself was 5 Magic Minutes. Then I can take a 10 minute break , so long as I will do a minimum of 10 solid minutes on my paperwork. Oops, gotta go, my 10 minute break is up.

One of the useful moments in this life for me was the realisation that I’m nothing special. Life flows more easily now. There is nothing to defend. And all my problems are common or garden, ordinary, no big deal. Solvable. Or not. Whatever. Everything works.