let go of my fears

Faced my fear of possibly hearing a bad news and saw the doctor anyway.

On twentieth I did something that really sacred me out before I did it. there was a ride at the water park whcih required climbing stairs equivalent of 3 or four levels.Even when I was climbing it it was scaring me.And then there was slide ll the way down. it took me about 10 mins to gather caourage, but i did, and i did it twice then.YEaH!

I received a nice long phone call from a friend/collegue where I used to work earlier.She had a tough time believeing that I too feel scared when I do something… like quitting my job.I told her everytime I do something new I am scared- of not knowing where it would lead. I find it difficult.But I end up doing it anyway, knowing that if I dont I might regret it for the rest of my life. often I regret doing it, especially when that lands me in difficulty.But the diffilculty is short lived, and after a while I find myself in a better place, where I would never have landed had I not taken this leap of faith across the chasm of unknown.
When delays happen, I tell myself they are chances to think things over & better prepare myself for what is to come, so they have their purpose too.Only if I can hold this positivity in my mind forever

I feel angry and hurt and insecure.I cant find in myself to list even 5 good things about today, even though within half an hour of that fight with my brohter I found avenues for earning/money I know is flowing in this week.Hind called me to let me know that she had talked with her employers who’d be glad to hire me(& I am so afraid they wont)
Shweta told me to email a picture of me so I can get more modelling assignments.& i cant even go get a portfolio done(assuming I had money for it.)I feel awful…
I feel sick to my stomach with so much hate n hurt within my system-I am vunerable at this point.I am even angry with God.WHAT good can possibly come out of hitting the rock bottom?
for my parents, marriage is the ultimate answer to everything, an answer I know wouldnt solve anything wihtout giving birth to new problems.And anyway,I dont want to marry for security, only for love.

I am working so hard & yet earning so little…most of what I earn goes too quickly…I wiill recieve a paychk this week that will go entirely to pay up my brother…I had another 4grand coming but out of that 3200 will go for french classes which need to be enrolled for a month in advance…which leaves me as broke as ever…I got 3000 for the play, out of which 800 I need to pay to the guy who filled in for me at sanskriti…and 1600 for the tickets I bought for everybody… well…I will get more than 2 at MAgnum(I hate going there but really need the money, & its only 6 more classes. & the date for getting my providend fund is near too so I really neednt worry…but I feel trapped & worried..& sad.Someone stole my wallet yesterday…I really need to buy some new pieces for my wardrobe- have nothing to wear with my lovely skirts:(

I am doing this for fun.. I NEED to remeber this.Its a test I CHOSE to give, I’m not required to. So Pourqouis be fearful?

Everything I do or attempt to do comes with a fear attached.For Eg, Joining gym comes with the fear:what if i am not able to go regularly? What if the exam checking and work deadlines prevent me from going? I will have to give up on my sleep. And no joining also comes with the fear: what if I am unable to afford it after I quit my well paying job?
I need to relax.. I am telling myself that I will always have money to join so I am not joining it out of soem fear, but only because I will enjoy myself and lose weight. It might be agood idea to wait,in September and let me adjust french in my schedule and join from oct, for oct/nov, when its less hotter too and I need the sleep less.But I will think till Ist September.

I’m getting more relaxed about everything. I’m starting to worry about this one though. Will it become a problem if nothing scares me? Because then I could get into trouble and not care. When does it start to get out of control? My fears are what keep me in line somewhat. hmmm…

that ‘fears’ get there own spot on the list. I have lots of other stuff to let go of, but fear seems to dictate so much in my life without my even realizing. I don’t even know half of what I am so afraid of…