handle emotions

Things are going better for me, but I still do not have a job. I am fine for money for a few more months, but I am getting worried. I am bored during the day, I don’t do anything. I fear going outside into the real world for some reason. I need to overcome these fears or I will end up being a weird hermit. I need to open up to people to help build relationships.

I seem to have small panic attacks when thinking about interaction with other people. I think I do this because of my large panic attack at work, the fact that I may repeat it. I know I am in control of my emotions, but this still freaks me out. I also still lose concetration and day dream once in a while, I just did it while writing this. I daydream about weird situations and how I would react. I am not sure how to get over these, but I will keep working on it. I have a couple fantasy football banquets to go to today to practice not being nervous.

I am somewhat lonely, but feel like being alone today. I spent the weekend up with my family, it was nice. I had a lot of fun. The nieces and nephews definately wear me out. I do feel akward still when there is no conversation, but I am doing better with it. I am still not sure where my life is going, but I am feeling better about it.

I feel I have control of my immediate emotions, but I feel I have no control of where my life is going right now. I have no job, but that is not the problem. I am scared that I will never get another job, but that is a fear that is stupid. I will get another job somewhere sooner or later. I am just scared of who I am instead of who I want to be. I just need to be who I am and not care about the rest.

I have had that lonely feeling even when I am with people lately. I think it is because I feel my life has a lack of purpose. I used to identify with my career and now that I do not have one I don’t know who I want to be or where I want to go. You think by thirty I would have this figured out by now. I am handling things better though.

I thought I was going to sleep the entire day away doing nothing today. I really depressed myself this morning that I would do that because I had nothing to do and was worthless. I actually got out of bed around ten and have been superproductive since. I applied for a few jobs online where the process is annoying. I then went to the post office and sent out all my bills, which is very relieving. I then went and worked out. It felt really good. I have decided I will get up every morning and get to the gym by 9 am, this way it can be a good motivator to get out of bed in the morning. It will get me out in the world with people around to help my anxiety. It will be good for me. I have to make sure that I stay motivated after the gym. If I am unmotivated afterwards I will swtich to stretching and then the gym or healthy activity. I need to stay motivated or I will be depressed.

I woke up around 9, haven’t done anything but grocery shop and take a shower, but I feel good today. Maybe it’s the xanex I took earlier, or I am just in a good mood. I want to go with the good mood part. I am afraid it will go away quickly though. I think I will forget about what I just wrote and ride the wave of the good mood. I plan on going to BW’s with some friends to watch the Lions game (which is always funny to watch). My parents are at my sisters house, but I already had plans made. I feel weird hanging out with out a job to go to. I need to get over this, this is just added anxiety that I do not need. I also find myself thinking back to past mistakes that I cannot change, this is also something that I need to get past. Who cares what was said or done in the past, just learn from it and move on.

I woke up around 9, haven’t done anything but grocery shop and take a shower, but I feel good today. Maybe it’s the xanex I took earlier, or I am just in a good mood. I want to go with the good mood part. I am afraid it will go away quickly though. I think I will forget about what I just wrote and ride the wave of the good mood. I plan on going to BW’s with some friends to watch the Lions game (which is always funny to watch). My parents are at my sisters house, but I already had plans made. I feel weird hanging out with out a job to go to. I need to get over this, this is just added anxiety that I do not need. I also find myself thinking back to past mistakes that I cannot change, this is also something that I need to get past. Who cares what was said or done in the past, just learn from it and move on.

Whenever I am alone or even with someone lately I am out of it. I don’t know why I just don’t seem interested with what they are doing, I tend to focus on my own problems that I need to work on. Whether it be my job situation or not sitting up straight, I am all over the place. Maybe that is why I am so good when things are busy, but have a rough time when things are slow. Maybe I do have ADD like the doctor’s think I have. I have a lot of things I will figure out over time. I just need to keep plugging away at them and think positively. Perception and positive thinking are the battle I need to win in my brain.

For some reason I want to sleep and not leave the house once I get home from my classes that I am taking. I do have to leave for an eye doctor appointment later. I will go to the gym afterward to work off some energy and pick up a Little Ceasars pizza on the way home.