enjoy the feeling of being in love

This whole thing might not work out, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been incredibly stupidly crazy happy for the past little while. At one point not too long ago, I had decided that I was just one of those unlucky ducks doomed to spinsterhood. Not so. I’m a good girl, and someday, there’s going to be a good guy who thinks I’m quacktastic.

It’s ending badly, but it was a really nice sweet ride.

I just saw one of the weirdest things I’ve ever witnessed, so I called New Guy up to laugh about it. He wasn’t into talking to me.

Hmmm…

You know what? Love sucks.

I enjoy the sweet “oh you’re so freakin’ perfect I just want to eat your face” love feeling. This weekend, I haven’t enjoyed the “I love you so much that I could strangle your stupid ass” love feeling.

Things feel wonky. I’m sick. He’s still sick. Things are changing, and neither one of us is feeling very secure. It’s been less than perfect. It’s actually been stressful as hell. I’m tired. I’m tired of worrying. I’m tired of feeling like I’m making a big mistake.

I am tired.

Today…I just don’t know about me (or us) today. The bad thing is that I really don’t care all that much about anything (including us and the future and everything we’ve been banking on) at the moment.

Bleh…

The crud my friends and I have so lovingly shared with each other over the past week had us all in a low-key mood last night. After spending the day in Birmingham for that seminar, I went to hang out with N and M and New Guy. We watched my Mitch Hedberg DVD, the guys played a little Halo 3, and M and I took turns battling Tekken on the PSP. It was quiet and nice and comfortable.

New Guy makes me feel comfortable. I can come in after a long day feeling like hell, and he still finds something nice to say to me, which when I’m coughing and grumpy and feeling like I look like a dead bunny must be really hard to do. We just sat on the couch for hours with him playing with my hair and me rubbing his arm. He has the sickness on top of feeling ill from other things going on, and for once, I honestly enjoyed the feeling of taking care of a guy I’m dating. Normally, I’m like, “You’re a man. Grow up,” but with New Guy, I’m like, “Let me get you some water and some Tylenol, baby.”

It’s weird how much I’ve changed in such a short time, and it’s even weirder to think about how one person was the catalyst for all this change. I never thought I could change for another person, but this really feels like I’m becoming a better person by trying so hard to be a good thing for him. So maybe I’m changing for him and me, you know?

I don’t really know what I’m getting at here, but I just felt like rambling, so I am…

Today I went to visit one of my schools, and on the way back, I stopped by to see how New Guy was feeling today. He said he’d woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was a little grumpy, but we hung out for a bit, and by the end of the hour, he was smiling and lovin’ on me like a little kitten. I love his kitten-esque lovin’ that only really comes out when we’re alone (he IS a man, you know). I love the fact that seeing me puts him a better mood.

I love his blue eyes and his Stephan Jenkins impersonation.
I love the way he nods his head when we listen to Stereophonics.
I love that he loves Jeff Buckley and Jack Kerouac.
I love his laugh.
I love the way he pretends to steal my nose.
I love the way he spoons me when we’re going to sleep.
I love the way he smells.
I love the fact that we spend hours talking about fascism.
I love the fact that we don’t feel the need to water our opinions down for each other.
I love the way he kind of jokes about our future babies and then looks at me and smiles.

I love him, and I love the fact that lately I’ve been thinking in rainbows when before things were only in black and white.

Geez…It could be all the meds, but I’m feeling super-sappy today, y’all.

A few weeks ago, level-headed-I-don’t-give-a-damn Melissa had a jealous how-dare-you-touch-my-boyfriend meltdown. Hard to believe, I know, but it happened. I’ve been feeling like a troll for being such a jealous little wench lately, but last night, New Guy got bit by the anxious bug. Now, I don’t feel so bad, and actually, I kind of liked it.

C came in last night while New Guy was in the kitchen and took what appeared to be an open seat. Next to me. On the loveseat. C and I have known each for a while, so we immediately launched into Watership Down which I recently loaned him. New Guy came back in the room, didn’t say anything and sat on the other side of the room. After a little while, New Guy went into the kitchen and didn’t come back. I followed him after about 10 minutes, and he was having his own little private my-god-I’m-not-a-jealous-person-what’s-wrong-with-me freak-out just because some dude sat next to me and had an animated conversation.

It was such a small thing, but seriously guys, I would have felt the same way. “He’s mine. Back the fuck off.” What can I say? That’s how I roll. And apparently that’s how my boyfriend rolls, too. I’m sure once we settle down into each other and into “us” things like this won’t happen, but for now, it’s nice to know he really really cares about me and he worries about someone coming along and taking his spot (even if it is just his spot sitting next to me).

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard people say “I was in love before, but THIS TIME it’s different.” I always kind of secretly laughed at those hapless souls who thought there really was something different, something special, about a new relationship.

This morning, I thought about that while I was brushing my teeth. I looked in the mirror and laughed in my own face.

This time it’s different.

I’m not diving into something with a man I want to change. I’m not in love with someone who wants to change me. It’s comfortable, and it’s exciting. I want to take time to smell the some-flower-other-than-roses-because-roses-smell-like-death-to me and enjoy all the little things that make me smile every day.

New Guy quote of the night: “Wouldn’t it be funny as hell if one day some dude came to pick up our daughter…Oh…ummm…yeah, that was awkward, huh?”