I’ve gone through the emotions and memories today. From when I first found out I was preg to her helping feed her new brother. It’s funny, she is 16 and looks every bit of it and I still see her in corn row braids and beads…

She has been wanting for a year now, to get snake bites. I told her when she was 16..

Well, a couple days ago, she came to me and brought it up, “You said…” I agreed with her, “yes, baby. I said when you was 16 but you will be 16 for a whole year… I never told you just after you turn 16”. LMAO I thought that was great fun

OH but she was livid…. I still get tickled when I think of the look on her face when what I said sunk in…. LOLOL.. that will be good for years.

Sierra is a good kid with some serious insecurities. She has a good heart and is loving when she feels comfortable with someone. But my point is, she doesn’t go out and cause trouble, she is not so flippin’ boy crazy that she can’t concentrate on grades. She is 9th in her HS…{It’s a small one} She has a very good strong GPA.

She expresses herself in what she wears and how she looks, like most of the world does.
She uses her hair as her main place to showcase her art…

I think it has been years since I’ve seen her with a traditional “girl hair cut” she is usually VERY edgy.

She wanted to have that “girl” hair cut and has it all one color dark brown {no pink, WTF}. I let her gauge her ears about a year ago. I have stopped her with going any bigger though. Not till she is older and can really know that is what she wants…

So back to the snake bites. We were all up last night when it turned midnight, Sari Beri 16th birthday. We wished her happy birthday and then, I waited.

I waited some more.

I so expected her to come to my room and say, “MOM I am 16 now, can I have the snake bites” but no, no Sari coming to my room.
I went to bed.

She stayed up late, therefore she slept in. When she got up I was in my room working on some ATC’s and she steps in the door way. All ready to go to the movies.. Not just ready to go, they had just called and were waiting in the car outside for her.

She steps into my door way {looking VERY cute I might add}
“Mama”.... I look at her.
“Mama?”... Yes baby
I am sixteen {hear the angels sing lalalalalalalala}now, I think we should get my snake bites, cause they need to heal before school so I can put in the non noticable ones.

“OH really, well we don’t have time to talk about that and you done good baby, I so expected you five minutes after midnight, but let me ask you something, did you research any of the tattoo places to see their skills or policy?

“Mama can I get them soon. MOm like I need them soon so they can heal and moommmm I don’t want to research them, that is what you are suppose to do.. Lets just go to a random place in Corpus…”

OH no, we don’t do random places, you have to research it. I’m not the one wanting them, if you want to ever get them you have to research.

“Maaaammmmaaaa”
Go Sierra Now, they are waiting {smiles, blows kiss Happy birthday}

LOLOL I am getting her the snake bites. I have it planned out. I am not taking her to Corpus but to another town by us. I am taking them out to eat on Saturday and since we are going to be in this town, we will stop by my nephews.

He is conveniently going to ask me to give him a ride some where… We find out it’s the tattoo place {he has and loves tattoos so this won’t seem odd in the least}... We can all go in just to get some information and that is when I surprise her with the piercing… I am going to call them today and see if I need to make an appointment.

I’m a bit nervous about this. I know my family will have a conniption fit. Her father is NOT going to be pleased. But, my baby is not out having sex, causing problems, running away, doing drugs, drinking.. none of that stuff and she gets awesome grades…

So what if she wants to pierce her self. I’m going to let her do it and I’ll just have to deal with the family and her father…

I think they forget she is MY daughter. LOLOOL Her daddy remembers she is, LOLOL or so he reminds me all the time..
OH well, you can’t go through life with out pissing somebody off.

HAPPY SWEET 16 BABY GIRL.

and they called telling me my dad was sick. I would have moved in a heart beat. No hesitation, I would have sold my house and dropped my life and come.

God had the for sight to put it in my heart, the desire to move here 3 years ago, for reasons that never came to pass. I’ve had 3 unassuming years with him. I had the opportunity to know him again. A new dad.

My sisters kept telling me he had changed… LOL, I didn’t believe them. My dad and I are so much alike and sometimes that just explodeds. I had lived in Michigan 40 years and 18 of those were with out parents and siblings {they lived in various states}

My point is, I was able to get to know this new dad. He was calm, no longer critical. My father is not nor was he ever perfect. St. hood for him: NOPE.
He disciplined wrong but then again, that is what the nuns taught him when they were in the children’s home in Mexico.

I seem to be rambling here; please indulge me this once especially.

He taught me VERY early on to stand up for myself and if I could stand up to him {6’2” 250, solid muscle, 2 different 3rd degree black belts} Ehhh, smile, I can stand up to anyone.
He taught us how to love unconditionally and to judge a person by their character NOT the color of their skin.
He played with us. The cousins in the neighborhood would come to our house. It was fun, he would actually play- Rubber Band fights, water fights, to go carts and club houses, even playing poker for hits {yup, I said hits and pinches even}.

The first play house he built was yellow and white. I LOVED that play house, it had a porch, door, windows. It looked like a little house. When more kids cam along and we out grew it, he built a log cabin club house. LOLOL we had tree houses, cabins in the field, a track to drive his truck {yes, that is when I learned to drive at 14-15} I could go on and on, but maybe I’ll tell some of the crazy things he did that will make you say WTF?

In a truly verbose way, I wanted to say that, My Dad was not perfect but I wouldn’t trade him for any other dad. I forgive him for all his mistakes with me and I’m so thankful, that I was able to get to know him, the different {great grandpa} him.

The lung cancer in my dad is small cell. It’s the most agressive, noncurable lung cancer. It does respond well to Chemo and adds months to your life, maybe even a year. There are only 2 states of this cancer, his is stage 2. They told him 2 months, maybe 2 years if the chemo does good. I told him that I think he will look handsome bald.

LOLOLOL… That is when he reminded me that his brother O.T. had chemo and did NOT lose his hair. His brother Terry and sister Roberta both had Chemo last year and did lose their hair. He thinks the odds are in his favor. May the flippin’ force be with his pretty hair {I’ll let you know how this turns out}

He is scared, worried about his family, my mom. He is selling everything precious to him. But when he made the call to sell his 54 my mom broke down. That is his baby. He restores cars and would sell them sometimes. never the 54.. he would never sell it.

I don’t know how philosophical I will be. None, I am thinking. I am pissed off, angry, hurt, raw, hopelessly hopeful.

I am often late in returning my letters and phone calls. I am hard to find, I’ve been spending lots of time with my parents. Then when I get the kids home in the evening, I often break down and am good for nothing at this point.

I’m not grown up yet, you guys. I still need my dad.

I don’t know how I am going to get through this. I am doing my best to honor his request. Sometimes I feel like that little girl he would hold during night terrors. Only this time, I can’t seem to wake up. OHHH, how I’ve tried.

One more story before I try to sleep. I suffered from night terrors, sleep walking until my late 20’s, but as a child, young adult it was far worse.
Smile, I was about 23 and staying with my parents and I woke from a terror dream, I walked into the kitchen. The moon light was pouring through the window, he was just sitting in the dark.
“Your screaming woke me, honey. I stood in the door way talking to you till you got calm”

Many times I have {in my life} awaken to him standing in the door way. Just protecting and stuff.

FUCK CANCER… FUCK YOU CANCER. You can’t take that from me, My memories are mine… FUCK CANCER.

_{{for all you folks who don’t say the word fuck… Just this one time. Think FUCK YOU CANCER, you will feel so much better too}}

Be patient with me in regards to timely responses to comments. Sometimes my head won’t shut up and I get so low. I know my pain is not unique that we all have to go through this, and then we ourselves create it.

I feel bad talking about it. I don’t want to dredge up painful memories for anyone. So do me a favor… It’s the “Serenity Rule”, if you’ve lost a parent, please take a moment and remember something good, funny, loving. If you have your parents, call them, go see them today, and share one of your good memories.
Please do this for me and Danny Ray Buckley, MY Dad

Namaste
Light and Love.

they did a chest X-ray when he was in ER, they told us that it was pneumonia. Even though there were no symptoms of having pneumonia. He was in the hospital for a week and had to have 7 units of blood {he was losing blood}.

The entire week they never done another chest X-ray. Well my mom convinced my dad to get another chest X-ray because they are leaving for Arkansas and mom felt dad was not acting right. He was just not himself.

So this morning he went to Calallen to get the X-ray, they found something on it and ordered a CT CXR immediately. By one we were told that my father has cancer in his lungs, there is a large mass in his upper left lobe.

It has been a VERY hard past couple days for my family and I. I owe lot’s of people letters and I was not able to return phone calls. I am in the City with my sister right now.

I don’t know what to say. This has just been one of the hardest past couple days. I even lost half a tooth today, Sigh… it’s just been to emotional for us all.

Please bear with me and give me some slack please. I am not meaning to leave anyone needing comfort or help or just needing to talk. I am just dealing with some heavy things.

My daddy having cancer really threw me, it just is something hard to face and I know that I have to.

Thank you for listening

Blessings

Grace and Mercy on me and my family.

through surgery. She had 5 tumors on her thyroid and had a thyroidectomy. They got all of the mass and did a biopsy on it.

She has not regained her voice, her vocal cords had to be moved in order to get the whole mass. She whispers louder these days I can tell a difference and she looks so much better, her colouring and just the shape of her neck and all.

But we found out today that she has cancer. So now they are going to do the Nuc med radiation treatment to kill all the thyroid tissue in her body. The dr, believes he got all the mass.

I’m asking for prayer for my sister. Prayer and healing thoughts sent her way.

Thank you all for caring and for thinking of her.

Blessings for you all.

There is so much I want to say to you… Probably nothing I have not said before, you always tell me you are not looking.

I have been, My whole life I have been searching…

for the love that would set me free, for the love that would allow me to cry and be weak with the knowledge that it was only for a moment. I’ve been searching for the love that would see my strength as a wall to rest against while gathering strength it’s self.

I have been searching for the love that may not understand all of who I am, but would be willing to try. The love who only loved me, in truth and honesty.

I have been searching for the love that would complete me… NOT in the sense that I am nothing without the love, but in the reality that with me the completion of love exist.

I have always searched. In the eyes of strangers, the words of friends, the arms of men. Then I stopped.

I built walls, set up defences, guarded day and night. I would no longer look, because he would have to find me.

Still I asked God, Bring to me the “ONE” who will stay even when he is SO frustrated he just wants to scream.

Bring him who will grab me when I push, bring the one who will appreciate me grabbing him and whispering, “I will never let you go”

Bring my ONE who’s compassion, gentleness, and strength will be able to withstand my storms, insecurities, doubts and fears.

I asked God not for the perfect, but the perfect for me. I asked for the man who wouldn’t be frightened by my life. Who could challenge and encourage, who would be forceful with me in a gentle way.

I stopped searching, I started asking…

Then I Believed.

I will no longer stand in line. I will no longer wait MY turn. I won’t wast any more time. I won’t be part of an upside down world. I will stand, I will survive {I do that best}. I will fight, I will overcome, I will heal, I will grow. I will be who I am suppose to be, without apologies of my short comings.

I will allow myself to feel, to heal, to love and I will allow love. The love of my ONE to come to my life.

I would say that many things have changed in the last 9 years.

My mom is doing really good, she is tried and very tried but she is doing much better.

My father on the other hand is not. They have ruled out a heart attack. What has happened is that he is bleeding internally and they don’t know from where to where.

They have given him 4 units of blood and our bodies only hold 6, so he has lost a tremendous about of blood.

This morning they are putting a camera down his throat to see his stomach and see if the blood is there, or if the start of the problem is there.

We don’t really have many answers but a ton of questions.

Thank you all for caring so much about us and for all the prayers, thoughts of healing and reiki.

I know I mentioned it to a couple of people. Last week my mom had a stroke. It was a TIA which we can be thankful for. It was difficult to deal with you know, thinking my parents are to young for things like this.

My father is still battling his back injury and is on WC. Last night I spent the night in the ER because my father felt like he was suffocating and other things I won’t go into.

They said he has pneumonia and they think he had a heart attack. We won’t know for sure, they are still running test on him. His BP was 106/43 the whole time I was there.

I know I am babbling and even jumbling up sentences or half sentences. I was scared, I just was. You know it’s hard to look at them sometimes and know that I am leaving them.

It’s hard to look at their age and thinking them to young for this physical drama. They’ve worked so hard their entire lives and to battle their bodies at this stage of life. It just pisses me off.

I was really scared.. LOL I needed that “loving on”. I don’t know why. I just did. I didn’t cry the whole time I was at the hospital, my sisters and I keep each other laughing {this is how we deal with things, sometimes… humor}

I’m crying now. I guess I’m just terrified, what will I do when I have to go through what everyone else in the world has to go through. I am not sure I can take it really.

I’m trying to pour my heart out with out saying to much. LOLOL what have I come to.

I need to be told it’s okay, every thing is going to be alright. Here you can talk to me and cry if you need to. If you want to vent and yell, I’m here.

I don’t fuckin’ know what I want, I do know what I need and that is for me not to feel my spirit all bunched up in my throat full of emotion ready to spill from me.

I believe I am simply tired. I have had three hours sleep, but I have a dr appt this morning.

I should have put this at the beginning of this, but am to lazy to fix it.

It has come to my attention lately that I have not answered emails or comments, or that I’ve answered them late late late. This is a fault I have. I get so emotionally entangled and drained sometimes that I pull away to recharge. Or because I don’t feel needed or what have you.

Anyway my blasted point is this. Until things are normal or not so scary with my dad, I might not answer some letters or comments in a timely fashion. I might even miss some of them. My notifications don’t come through all the time. Also, if my children X out of my tabs. I’m screwed in finding what I was suppose to comment to.

Soooo… please just remind me if you want an answer to something. Just understand that I have some emotional drama going on in my head right now and I am overly sensitive.

I will get back to normal “whatever that is” soon.
Peace.

Light and Love.

Sigh and sigh

Are people and circumstance shifting or is it just me.

It feels like there is a shift in emotions of those around me.

Oversensitive I suppose

I’m trying to not give in to the drama that is floating in my head. I say try, I don’t really think that is an adept word. It’s more like fighting.

Sometimes…. no… all the time…. I have so many fears, most of them unrealistic to others, but still frightening to me. It’s hard to stop those fears and the constant battle between the two selves.

“Your not good enough you know”... “Oh but I am good enough because I am perfect in my imperfections”

“This is not going to happen for you. You should NOT even entertain the idea”... “It will happen for me, I am no less than anyone else. It will come to pass”

“You are just not smart enough, you don’t understand things because you are not intelligent enough”... “I might not be the best at “book smarts” but I have the keenest street smarts. I know my heart, I am comfortable with my mind, my intuition guides me. I know what I need and want in my life”

“You are going to fuck this up, just like everything else you’ve darned hope on, for”... “I’ve fucked nothing up, I’ve given my all and things “ARE” because it’s meant to be, good or bad. I’ve the lessons learned from both situations”

“you don’t deserve good you know it. It’s not going to come and you will look the fool”... “It is not a fool who follows her heart, knows her mind, is free in spirit”
I deserve no more, no less than the person next to me.. My difference is, ” I chose to receive”

“As soon as you reach out to touch it, pull it in close, it’s going to disappear like waking from a dream. Gone and I will laugh at how high your hopes were and I will remind you that I told you this was going to happen”... Dreams are made from hope. Without hope there are no dreams, with out dreams, there is not purpose for existing.”

See the drama, the struggle, the fight between the two.
To feel worth, deserving, special, needed, WANTED… That is not easy for me. I fight with the negative script daily {thank goodness for cognitive therapy}

It does get easier with time, or the periods of “loosing it” are farther and farther in between. G calls them “twisting off” LOLOL… I am noticing that more quickly I am able to put a sock in the mouth of me and try {again that word} to see a beauty within.

I think I am getting faster at changing the internal dialogue and focusing on the more positive. I am not there, to say I’ve arrived would be, more than fool hardy. But I am getting better, now if only I could stop that feeling of being wrong all the time… LOLOL

OH no, how about the worth one, maybe that should be something I work on next… This is an every changing, ongoing process… Changing the negative voices in my head.

HAPPY NEW YEAR…

2009 is MY year, Blessings will abound, love will continue to bloom, peace will flow, faith will strengthen, hope will be eternal.

This year I will accomplish the three inner most desires of my heart. I am open and trusting that things will come to me.

I am happy and secure in my Relationships and each one of them will grown, ever more deeply.

This new year I will succeed where I have never before. Miracle’s will happen, finances will improve, laughter will abound.

Decisions and choices made that lead me farther down my path of life.

Namaste
Light and Love.

Blessings are coming like the smell of Roses on the wind.