stop being defensive

I didn’t expect to do so quite so soon but it feels like something has shifted. I can’t place what or why or exactly when – only that I feel differently and the types of situations I described previously simply aren’t happening any more. If necessary I shall reopen it, but something tells me that it won’t be necessary.

I think sometimes simply the act of declaring something and having it there in my head is enough: its presence creates awareness; awareness creates change. I don’t feel I’ve consciously done any more than articulate it here – the unconscious has done the rest …

came the same type of situation but this time I handled it differently.

I’m sitting here typing that previous entry on this goal and B comes upstairs.

B: do you want me to get your lunch?

Shortly before coming upstairs to my pc I had mentioned lunch and said I would get it. But I’d decided I really wanted to record that last little incident, so lunch hadn’t got started yet.

I picked up immediately on B’s choice of words: do you want me to get your lunch…. It’s our lunch of course ;)

Also there’s the implied criticism that I’d said I’d get it and then disappeared back to the pc.

But this time – no doubt because I was already writing about such situations – I didn’t get that physical sensation that makes me feel I’m defending myself at all.

Me: (smiling – though he couldn’t see that) No, I won’t be long. I got distracted by something. Give me 10 minutes.

B: yeah, no problem. I was just wondering if you wanted me to get it that was all.

S: thank you; that’s very sweet of you. I’ll be there in a minute…

Yay! Now there were plenty of things I could have got defensive about in B’s initial comment and I didn’t rise to it at all. Why can’t I do that all the time!

I sense that the smile was significant. I’m going to try Saturnsglow’s suggestion of listening with a happy heart. I like to think my heart is happy but I’ll make it doubly so!

This is such a little thing really… I like the absurdities of life – and when they’re self-directed they amuse me greatly :)

So I’m going to have a little laugh at myself when these situations occur and see what happens…

I’m thinking that recording occasions when it happens might shed some light here.

So this is an absolutely typical example that happened just a moment ago.

It’s Sunday lunchtime; B & I are at home – both relaxed and doing our own thing. He is watching tv – channel-hopping whilst waiitng for the rugby to start. I am flitting about doing my general tidy up. I do it most days; it’s no big deal: just little bits and pieces.

B: ah, so you’re tidying up then? and he picks me up for stating the obvious? ;)

But instead of just confirming that yes – I am tidying up, I have to justify myself:

Me: Yes. Just quickly (i.e. it won’t disturb your viewing.) I usually do it most days.

Here’s where I start to realise what I’m doing. And I managed to stop myself from voicing what would have come next – which was to tell him that I usually do it whilst he’s upstairs so he probably doesn’t notice…

I know how trivial this sounds. But the fact is that in exchanges like this, I get the very strong feeling that I’m being defensive: I feel I have to justify myself; have to explain or defend my actions. Yet it really is not coming from B: he’s not using a tone that suggests he’s attacking; he’s merely making an observation. And my tone is rarely aggressive in return – but inside I feel I’m defending against something that was never there to start with.

These little things happen often. The common thread seems to be that I’m not being attacked; I’m simply hearing a harmless observation that carries no subtext yet before I can stop myself I add a subtext. I really do not hear a disapproving tone in the voice of the speaker but I inject one as I assimilate the comment in my head.

Now what’s that about? Is my inner critic muscling in, but in a rather indirect way? Sneaking in under the radar?

I don’t have an answer yet but I’m going to keep recording these little things each time I’m aware of them until I figure it out…

I’ve headed up this goal as: “stop being defensive” but it’s too harsh, too negative. I’d like to reword it: make it softer, more constructive and forward-looking. Suggestions would be much appreciated.

I don’t intend to be defensive but it happens more often than I would like and has done since I was a child. I can hazard some guesses as to the cause but that’s irrelevant now. What matters is the future and the present.

I have made a lot of progress over the years: for a long while I would vehemently deny that I was ever defensive, though it was pointed out more than once by more than one source. Then I acknowledged how often it appeared as my default response and was able to take responsibility for it. A big step forward.

Now I generally realise what’s happening whilst it’s occurring: that enables me to stop, regroup, admit to having a defensive response and reconsider how I really want to react.

So I suppose this goal is to go one step further and receive what is said to me with openness, warmth and courage – and skip the initial knee jerk defensive reaction. I’m really not sure how to go about it but I’m thinking that by putting it on my list I’m raising my awareness and keeping it at the forefront of my consciousness.

I’m trying to stop being so defensive all the time, but old habits die hard, especially when I feel like I’ve been trying to protect myself since I was little. It’s such a quick instinctual thing, that it’s challenging to stop the “but I’s..”

I’m learning that there doesn’t always have to be an excuse for everything I do. Sometimes, I’m going to be wrong and that’s OK. Sometimes people are going to make me angry, but I need to learn how to take a deep breath and really think about what the other person is trying to tell me.

I’ve only been working on this for a few days, despite my boyfriend’s pleas of 5 years, but I’ll leave that for the being a better girlfriend department. It just finally clicked with me that I can’t be lazy about these things. I REALLY have to change. I REALLy have to make an effort to change.

Basically, over the last couple of days, I’ve realized that when I slow down and really listen to what someone is telling me, I can make a more cogent point, without being defensive. And I’ve actually realized that I’m so quick to defend, that I automatically assume that something is an attack on my character.

I will keep working everyday, until I can overcome my instincts, by listening, breathing,and slowing down

I annoy myself at how I tend to react so much to people if I think they are making a personal attack at me. The vast majority of the time no one is making personal attacks, or even criticizing me, but I lose my temper and lash out at them (these days, mostly my mother) before I can stop myself and I find it, ultimately, pretty embarassing really!

In my new job now and my boss told me I was loud on the phone when speaking to IT help desk but he “appreciated that I was frustrated”. I also know that I dont say what I mean or how I mean it and I am not being the person I want to be. I want to work well with people and be liked and its just not working for me. My husband says I have changed at home and I am not happy with any of this but have no idea how to do anything about it!

My last two jobs they said my moods affected the team, when I was up everyone was but if I was cross and defensive they were. It means that I am a “Sender” of moods, emotional contagion is the term apparently! I dont want to be snappy and defensive, its starting to happen at home now

Making some progress on this goal. I just have to continue to THINK and be aware of everything around me. Not everyone is out to get me. Nobody is trying to hurt me. I have to continue to be mindful of everything and continue to grow. This is one of the most important goals I can make. I MUST meet it. My whole life is affected by this. I know I can do it. I only hope it isn’t too late for the woman I love!!

I am pushing away the woman I love… I can’t keep reacting defensively to everything people say to me. If its not positive, its attacking me. I don’t know how or why I react this way, but this is ruining my life! I think I am doing better or have things under control, and then someone says something or does something, and I react the same way I always have. :S I really HAVE to fix this problem about myself. It is THE biggest problem in my life, from work, to my fiancee and family, to my kids. No more excuses, no more trying to fix it. I need to DO it.