spend more time with my mother

took the folks out to dinner last night…my treat…also spent the afternoon with mama and madeline…brief but fun…then i brought a dinner plate down for the folks this pm…love my parents…

have been doing more with this, as a matter of fact, mama and i just got back from taking her to the dentist then a quick jaunt to the fab grocery store on line ave…then lunch and gossip at her house…i love that ol lady

visiting my mother is like visiting another planet. for my own sanity’s sake, this can go on the back burner for a while.

she went out of town…
but i did go to see her when she got back home later sunday night…

Haha now i think i spend TOO much time with her. But
things are alot better between us.

I hung out with mom tonight – she had some things around the garage she needed help with so we made a date to work together on stuff. I’ve been in a crap mood all day and I was super tired as I was driving over there, so I thought my time with mom would be all the more trying. But a funny thing happened instead. I acknowledged my attitude ahead of time, and thought about letting her know that I’ve been dragging all day and that if my attitude toward her is negative that it’s me not her. In the end, I didn’t say any of this to her, but I didn’t need to. Saying it to myself was enough. Not only did she not get on my nerves tonight, my attitude in general improved while in her presence!

I am at the age were i want to move out, get a great career, and just be close to everyone. And even though my mother and i get into many arguments, some major threatening fights, and ect. She will always be my family, and my mother so i feel that im at the age where i need to start bonding with her so when i move out i dont become completly far away from her. Anyways i need to start spending more time with her.

I hung out with mom twice in the last 24 hours. Maybe that was pushing me beyond my tolerance level, because when I left her this afternoon I was definitely agitated.

Last night I attended a performance of The Merry Wives of Windsor at the Redlands Shakespeare Festival. It was spectacular!! If you are in Southern Cal …. the festival continues through this weekend and next; do see it! It didn’t occur to me to invite my mom until the play was about to begin, but I called her and had her join me. There was some tension between us after the play when we were in the car together (mostly about her poor driving and my unrestrained criticism), but it went pretty well.

Then today we got together for a bike ride. She wants to get into commuting 8.5 miles to her office (and another 8.5 back) each day. I’m all for getting our collective asses on bikes, but I don’t think my mom has the awareness that is required of a cyclist. She is not a defensive or even a particularly aware driver (see previous paragraph); she’ll get creamed on a bike. I think she was hearing me as I was voicing these concerns, but I don’t think she was really absorbing my meaning. We hopped on the bikes and rode 3.5 miles to the local bike shop. She did alright (but nowhere near great) on the way there and she looked like she was ready to cry on the way back (which, surprisingly, was the more downhill direction). Maybe the experience cured her of her insanity.

My mom took off yesterday morning for a one month journey to Israel. When she returns, her car will be back from the repair shop, so we’ll be freed from the necessity of driving each other to work. As productive as it was that week or so of coordinating my schedule with hers and spending extra time with her, it was difficult for me too, and I’m glad to report success and completion.

Every moment I’m with her is a learning experience. That’s great, I like learning experiencs; but all too often it’s my mistakes that I learn from, and I hate how much I hurt her when I make those mistakes. I don’t know how to stop hurting her when I’m in her presence.

We were doing ok for the week we spent together, but really all I can say is ‘ok’ and not ‘super’. And the only reason we were able to achieve ‘ok’ is that there was an endpoint in sight; I knew I only had a week of it to endure.

WHY DO I HAVE TO USE A WORD LIKE ‘ENDURE’ TO DESCRIBE MY EXPERIENCE WITH MY MOTHER?? I guess because I hate to be ingenuine and I hate to hurt her feelings, but I feel that I have to do either one or the other. Perhaps there is another option; perhaps I can be myself even though it is not who she wants me to be but not be so bold about it. I just have to be patient; this kind of thing develops with maturity, I’m sure.

Spending time with mom almost always stresses me out. I’m driving her to work and picking her up four days this week, so that’s an hour in the car together each time. I did a pretty good job of it yesterday, but today I disappointed myself.

She and I have our differences, magnified by our relationship, but sometimes when I separate myself from all of that emotion I can see that she’s a good person with positive intentions. It’s just that sometimes I start to get in a funk and then trying to reverse it and see things in a different light and put a genuine smile on my face is nearly impossible. I know she can tell when I get like this – she’s not dense, my attitude doesn’t escape her – and I know she’s hurt by it. I just don’t know what to do!