be more certain that I want to have a child, and understand why

Sometimes spending time with my friends who have kids makes me scared of having a child, and sometimes it makes me want to have a kid more. Today was one of the latter days! A gang of us hiked down to the beach and picnicked there. None of the folks with kids hiked, but they rendezvoused with us once we hit the beach. And it was a blast to see the four years olds meet for the first time and become friends, chasing waves and one another. The two year old explored everything and practiced climbing into and and out of a hole over and over again (his mom told me “being a two year old is like one long acid trip” and I can see what she meant, everything seems so fascinating and meaningful to this little guy). And the babies mostly got protected from the sun and tried to put things in their mouths that they shouldn’t have.

I like that there are starting to be more babies and kids among my circle of friends. Their parents can help show me the way(s) as they navigate all the choices. Like homebody parenting vs. keeping engaged with the non-kid-centric world….being anxious about everything vs. being anxious about very little…..daycare vs. nannies vs. parent staying home….public school vs. private and which ones.

And regardless of whether I end up having one of my own, it’s pure fun to watch their kids grow and change and turn into real people.

“Because starting a family is part of life…it’s what people are supposed to do” seems like a bad reason. On the other hand it seems like a good reason when I rephrase it, e.g. “Having a child is one of those quintessential life experiences, I want to experience the delights and challenges my parents and their parents did.”

“Because I want some piece of myself to live on after I die” seems selfish. Do I need that in order to feel invested in the future, to care about the state of the planet and the world I’ll leave behind? I shouldn’t, but I think human nature does work that way.

“To have a tangible expression of our love” seems romantic and selfish at the same time. But when I think about adopting (my boyfriend is against the idea of in vitro should we not be able to conceive), this comes up for me. I want to see him in our child. I think that’s wonderful. It’s wonderful in a completely different and almost unthinkably generous way to raise an adopted child.

But I think I do.

My boyfriend is in the same place I am…scared, but mostly thinking we should aim start a family at some point.

Hanging out with my friends who have kids helps, sort of. Mostly I just witness how it is for them. Sometimes their kids are charming, delightful. Sometimes even the angels are devils though.

And then it seems weird that I/we would never have another lazy weekend morning (not for years anyway), and would have to figure out all kinds of tricky stuff like childcare and schools. Some of my friends have made really different choices in those areas than I expect to….fancy private schools and the like.