believe in God

a lot has happened this past year. my mom left us, a guy i thought i was spending the rest of my life with brutally dumped me, my grandmother’s health has been steadily decreasing, and although one of my sisters got married this year, my other sister got into a divorce. i might be exaggerating, but i’m guessing that’s a lot for a 16-year old girl to handle all at once. especially since i’ve always been the one in the family to strive for perfection. things such as these have their consequences, so of course i’ve wrangled up a few eating disorders, been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and have been known to cut compulsively about once a month.

clearly, this is not the work of a god of any kind.

i know i said everything happens for a reason. i have yet to find a reason that all of this has happened to me. i feel like once i find this god that everyone seems to be making such a big deal about, i can pull myself out of this big pile of shit that i dug myself into.

I don’t believe in God but am sometimes afraid of dying and going to Hell. I have nightmares about it. Should I start taking Pascal’s wager seriously?

straight to the point …

if there is a God, there is a Devil.
if there is a heaven, there is a Hell.
if there are angels, there are demons.

i beleive in the soul, i believe in karma, i believe in angels and i believe in vampires.

not worth it. doesnt even interest me anymore.

I’m envious of people who have conviction. I feel like some day I’ll show up at the pearly gates and St. Peter will say, “You always doubted. You never placed your faith in God’s hands.” Then he’ll throw me down the laundry chute to h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

I will believe what i want to believe, and not plot for any belief, because that is fake any way.

i have always wondered about my religion, but the more and more i look outside and see things, i believe in him even more. i still sometimes question where i stand as a religious person, but you have to know one thing. you weren’t just magically put on this earth, it took someone to mold you and make you. evolution had to be created, it wasn’t just bacteria. as much as i believe in evolution, there has to be a small belief in things. it keeps people going.

I want to, because it seems like it would be better for me to believe in God and the Bible and Jesus, but I just dont think I do. I have tried before to get in touch with it, and I go to church and drag my faminly along. I feel like the more I go teh closer to believing I can get, but i think i rather like church more than believing in God… Hard to admit this. I really would rather not, but i think i need to put it out there.

At church you are surrounded by people who love you and want to be nice and friendly. You get together, no one is hostile. Even hostile people arent that way at church. Even if it is an act it is an act I like having. I thin even if everything winds up bieng fake, at least we had the life to live that was full of love and acceptance. Even if God isnt real, living a Godly life cant be to bad for you.

Just a thought. THats how I feel about it. I am confused, and I will reamin that way until I ave some kind of experience or “apiphony?”

In my oppinion is simple in a complicated way. God is Everything. Earth, Fire, Air, Water, all creatures, the universe, the cosmos, all of religions and ways of understanding in the world are all a part of God.

My faith starts here and I happen to call this force, God. I could call this entity by any name, and it would still be God. The essence does not change, only the name.

For me, God works in dreams and many other media, and is at the base of all existence.

I have been wanting to share with people my experience of God and this want has been growing stronger and maybe this can be a starting point.

In anything that I do or write, I hope that someone else can benefit from it in some way. I have found that in the course of my life, there have been many people and animals that have positively impacted me, just by being themselves. I do not think that their specific goal was to help me in my journey in life, but they were able to help because helping others is just a by product of sharing ourselves with the world, for good, for bad, and for indifferent. It’s all good. :)

I have many specific experiences that I have had over time, I will try to start from the beginning and give these experiences words as time progresses. For now, I will retire these words for your viewing pleasure. If you all ever want to chat, email me.

Sincerely,
Megan
vastbluesea@gmail.com

or at least try to..