believe in God

i am so happy to say that after everything i have been through, i have finally found god. the struggles i have endured were just purely a part of his master plan for me to find some small amount of hope. it was that hope that i held on to, and in the end, it kept me alive. i am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to just… have faith. and i sincerely hope that others can find the joy in it as well. =]

a lot has happened this past year. my mom left us, a guy i thought i was spending the rest of my life with brutally dumped me, my grandmother’s health has been steadily decreasing, and although one of my sisters got married this year, my other sister got into a divorce. i might be exaggerating, but i’m guessing that’s a lot for a 16-year old girl to handle all at once. especially since i’ve always been the one in the family to strive for perfection. things such as these have their consequences, so of course i’ve wrangled up a few eating disorders, been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and have been known to cut compulsively about once a month.

clearly, this is not the work of a god of any kind.

i know i said everything happens for a reason. i have yet to find a reason that all of this has happened to me. i feel like once i find this god that everyone seems to be making such a big deal about, i can pull myself out of this big pile of shit that i dug myself into.

I don’t believe in God but am sometimes afraid of dying and going to Hell. I have nightmares about it. Should I start taking Pascal’s wager seriously?

not worth it. doesnt even interest me anymore.

I’m envious of people who have conviction. I feel like some day I’ll show up at the pearly gates and St. Peter will say, “You always doubted. You never placed your faith in God’s hands.” Then he’ll throw me down the laundry chute to h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

i have always wondered about my religion, but the more and more i look outside and see things, i believe in him even more. i still sometimes question where i stand as a religious person, but you have to know one thing. you weren’t just magically put on this earth, it took someone to mold you and make you. evolution had to be created, it wasn’t just bacteria. as much as i believe in evolution, there has to be a small belief in things. it keeps people going.

In my oppinion is simple in a complicated way. God is Everything. Earth, Fire, Air, Water, all creatures, the universe, the cosmos, all of religions and ways of understanding in the world are all a part of God.

My faith starts here and I happen to call this force, God. I could call this entity by any name, and it would still be God. The essence does not change, only the name.

For me, God works in dreams and many other media, and is at the base of all existence.

I have been wanting to share with people my experience of God and this want has been growing stronger and maybe this can be a starting point.

In anything that I do or write, I hope that someone else can benefit from it in some way. I have found that in the course of my life, there have been many people and animals that have positively impacted me, just by being themselves. I do not think that their specific goal was to help me in my journey in life, but they were able to help because helping others is just a by product of sharing ourselves with the world, for good, for bad, and for indifferent. It’s all good. :)

I have many specific experiences that I have had over time, I will try to start from the beginning and give these experiences words as time progresses. For now, I will retire these words for your viewing pleasure. If you all ever want to chat, email me.

Sincerely,
Megan
vastbluesea@gmail.com

or at least try to..

or at least try to..

alright, so maybe i dont agree with the strict guidelines of the church or needing to be a saint in order for God to love you. but i do believe that everything happens for a reason, and theres gotta be something out there thats making it happen. so i think i agree with the concept, just not all the nitty gritty crap.