Be the mom I want to be

My little Simon turned 5 on Monday, and Autumn turns nine tomorrow. Alas, we planned no birthday parties due to the H1N1 virus – which is at it’s peak, we’re told, on our little area. Autumn was sick last week, as was the next eldest, and Simon has had a day or two of fever this week. Sophie has skipped it so far. So once the whole shamozzle of H1N1 has calmed down here, I’ve promised the kids a make-up party, so they can still have some friends over, or to the pool or bowling alley or something. But really, the kids have dealt well with this. I guess they’re seeing the school and community events being canceled, so many kids absent from school, and now I’m not simply being a mean mom. Gotta figure out a good cake to surprise Autumn with tomorrow. For the friends party, she wants a zombie hand birthday cake. Cooooool. simon had a lightsaber cake!

when my mother is away. I am myself. Completely. That’s who I want my children to know. Alas, she is only away for one week. But I’ll take it.

I’m not the Mom I want to be. But I’m getting there, again. Somewhere along the way, I lost my footing.
- be a patient mom
- think about what it’s like in their shoes
- be silly & fun
- be supportive
- be nurturing
- be there, in the moment
- share magic & wonder

I’m certain I’ll add to this list. A reminder to myself.

that my kids have not yet succumbed to peer pressures in a big way. By their age I was already off and running. My son does silly, stupid stuff – horsing around with friends and getting hurt sometimes (like the head butting that knocked his tooth loose the other day!) but he is not out drinking and drugging. I am so very grateful for that.

Yesterday I went for a walk with my daughter in the cold twilight. For 45 minutes or so we talked about everything from classic Disney movies and toys to career options and friends. I am comfortable with her.

I enjoyed spending time with them. My daughter is moody, but she is a sweetheart too. I am blessed to be close to her in these tumultuous teen years. She said to me, yesterday, “did I thank you yet for this weekend?”

My son got his haircut on Saturday. He is big and strong but has a sweet baby face. After he got several inches cut off, he looked younger than his 17 years. I realized how vulnerable he is. He is still that bright eyed baby boy I brought home from the hospital in December of 1990. I have to remember that when he is surly and uncooperative.

My patience has been thinner with them lately. I feel that they take advantage of my generous spirit. My mother said that some part of me must feel guilty. After thinking about it, I decided she is right. I try to make up for some perceived lack by spoiling my children (and husband). There are times when I want to run away so I could dwell on my own wants and needs only.

I spend a lot of time at sporting events. High school sports just began. Today I was at my daughter’s JV soccer game. It was a sunny afternoon, so it was not difficult for me to sit there on the bleachers on my day off. While I am there I try very hard to a)be positive with my words and thoughts AND b)not embarrass my teenagers (tough work).

I’ve noticed a few parents who have a running commentary throughout the game and even shout out to the players what they should be doing. It’s sad to me that many parents seem to live so obviously through their children. I can work through my own issues thank you very much and don’t expect my children to fulfill some unrealized ambition of my own.

I like it when I have the chance to spend time alone with either one of my two teenagers. Last night, my daughter asked to go for a drive with me. We got milkshakes then drove through town – talking and listening to music. At one point, dd turned to me and said, “Mom, I’m glad you always encouraged me to be myself instead of just trying fit in.” We then had a discussion of people acting superficially. The middle school and high school years can be so painful.

My kids teach me so much about life and human nature. At times they act as though they don’t need me around at all. Then suddenly, there they are – wanting undivided attention from me. They will fight over who gets to go the store with me alone. It is flattering, overwhelming, mystifying.

I grumble about having to drive them here, there and everywhere. Then I realize that in a few years they won’t be here anymore. They will be off living their own lives with their own means of getting around. I won’t be the daily influence that I am now. I will – I hope – be that voice in the back of their head…the one pushing them toward the right decision. So I drive my daughter and her friends to the concert at the church 20 minutes away and I pick them back up again – even though I have to get up for work at 5am. At least I know what they are doing and where. For now.

At times I feel unnecessary and left out. The friends are the priority now. My opinions are not as cool as they once were. What could I possibly know anyway? I was a teenager in the 1980s. That was decades ago! Then I have a flush of pride when my kids think independently, when they show their unique goodness. When my son, for example, tells me he knows his friend is gay but that he likes him anyway….when my daughter tells me with excitement that she just loves the art of Andy Warhol and could we go to his museum in Pittsburgh someday.