explore my meaning of life

I have come to what constitutes a conclusion of sorts recently, although I’m reluctant to call it as such because that implies fixedness. My views will change as I grow older, but I feel that my ‘crisis’ stage is over and I no longer feel that sense of nihilism that was eating away at me before.

My views are not concrete now, but they make sense and provide me with some feeling of meaning or purpose rather than a sense of vertigo between life and death, where neither seemed like a piece of cake to deal with. The facts never changed whilst exploring this, but I changed my perspective and I feel happier for it :)

Well, I guess that will suffice for a non-entry, but I’m not going to go into my philosophies on life on here – I’ll spare you ;)

I ponder my meaning of life constantly, but for the most part it oscillates or ends up being circular. The main obstacle to me getting anywhere with this goal is fear. If I explore it too thoroughly, I’ll end up facing facts I know are there, but I don’t want to look too closely.

It’s all well and good being philosophical or seeking short-term gratification, but the fact that one day I’m going to die (and I could get hit by a bus tomorrow) is something that could potentially make me do more with my life, if I actually had the guts to face it.

Even this – talking about it – doesn’t really get me anywhere :(

I have never really felt that I fit in with people. I like people and I like to think that I can get on with most people – I know sometimes, you just can’t. I feel that I am often confused about what I want. I want to be different, yet I want to be accepted; I want to be an individual, yet I want to be part of a group. I want to be me, yet I want to belong.

I’m not sure how these are supposed to work. I would like to feel strong enough to just be me and not feel that I have to back down to convention, just so I don’t get strange looks from people. I never really know what to say to fit in – conversations tend to go fine for the most part, but then I also get the awkward silence as if I’ve said something really weird…

I wish I were stronger, more able to decide. I don’t know how I can work out which is more important to me. Embarrassment might make me think fitting in is more important, but I’m not convinced that I do think it is. I just need to learn to be okay with being me. Any ideas on how?? :)

I have very few convictions in life, and I think that this is a negative for me. I wish to be always open-minded, but sitting on the fence in order to please everyone makes me feel like I’m a spectator of life rather than a participant. I can be very apathetic about things and also very opinionated about others – perhaps some middle ground would be better. I wish to be more convicted on my beliefs without becoming judgemental and narrow-minded with it. I would like to live my life according to what I think is right, without needing to apologise for my choices, when they are not objectively wrong, but simply in conflict with another’s choices and convictions. I think I would be less easily swayed and tossed around on the tides of society’s whims, if only I were convicted.

So, what do I believe in?

“The” meaning of life, other than obviously being 42, is not something I believe really exists. If I had to choose what I thought the meaning of life was, I would probably say “happiness”, as “good” doesn’t work alone. Why do people form destructive or self-destructive habits if most people are deemed to be moral human beings? Probably because in some way, they think it will make them happier. I think people want to be good, I just think that most of us fall a bit short, not because we don’t want to be good, but because we sometimes forsake a bit of goodness for happiness in the short term.

So, I am not looking for “the” meaning of life, which is heavily disputed. I am looking for “my” meaning of life, because I want to know what really matters to me, what gives me a sense of purpose, and what direction to take my life in so that I can fulfill myself spiritually.

Me and 6 billion other people, probably!! :)