think of my dad more- makes me happy

and I want to celebrate it in a special way.
thinking of him more and going for a walk and remembering the good things.
The other day it suddenly struck me- why it could be so difficult to deal with Roberts crisis-
I think it has to do with dads suicide a lot- my mom is stuck in a marriage with a depressed and pretty weak man and does not allow herself to let go (like she did of my dad and then he commited suicide)- and I think some parts of me also want to make someones (my bfs) life better to never think again ending a relationship or marriage would pull out the basis of life of anyone.
sounds strange?
it is- but I think it all runs pretty unconscious and fears are often irrational.
I have to keep in mind that I am responsible for myself and my feelings and happiness.(and not of other peoples as long as I treat them with respect and honesty)
and I cannot “make” someones life better or more liveable or joyful if he does not want to be more happy or joyful-
it is neither in my power nor is it my “job”.
my job is to take care of my feelings and my life.
I guess dads suicide left its deep scars on all of the people he knew and we all deal with it differently.
I would like to keep in mind that I want to stay on earth much longer than he did or could- and that his intention was always to see all of us happy and joyful-
thank you daddy for my gift of life- I will try to get as happy as I can possibly be.
Happy birthday!

on January 26th and I want to do something special this year.
Something that gets me closer to him and reminds me of his life here with me.
I think it will be something out in nature.
A long nice walk maybe.
And a fire to watch.
I miss you dad.
Sorry you had to leave early.
I love you and will stay longer and have a good time here.

I bought some handkerchiefs made of fabric (washable cotton)-
I remember that my father always had one of those in his pocket and if I was crying or had to blow my nose or touched something wet, he just took it out and helped me getting clean again.
it was a “tool” for all unpleasant situations and I always felt better when he touched me with it.
and now I have four of them.
today I will put one in my coat pocket when I go to work.
if the snow blows into my face I take it out and dry my face with it,
if I cry a little (like yesterday thinking about granny and the first christmas time without her) I will dry my tears.
and whenever I feel lonely or sad I will touch my cheek with it just like dad would.
and then I will feel better because he is always with me and on my mind.

altough I know it does not make a difference but I would love to plant some flowers for him.
he was always friendly and nice and when Dad passed away he would even bring him a christmas tree to his grave (all set up with candles and colored slipknots).
he was probably the only good friend he ever had, he had a bad leg and was stuttering a little and there were some people who probably thought he was not very bright.
my Dad always stood up for him and they did a lot together when Dad was younger. Climbing mountains, mainly.
He gave me cute shoes when I was little- he called them seal shoes- which had some fake fur on the outside- I loved them.
his name was Pepi and I will always remember him!
I will plant some flowers for him in my garden as I am sure that he will see or feel that no matter where I plant them.
Thank you for everything you did for me and thank you for being a good friend for my Dad!

and saw two of his close friends, I think both of them are already dead by now-
I wanted to talk to them to find out more of what a man he was.
but my cat started to scream for breakfast and so the dream ended.
sometimes I feel so alone with my longing for my dad- would wnat my brother more in that- but e has his own trouble- and has bad thoughts because of a month in intensive care (deep sleep medication for weeks- when you wake up again you are all messed up- and there he suddenly started to blame our father for all kinds of things)
and my mother with her big daddy tabooo- never talking about him- never mentioning him- she even wanted to give up his grave once- to forget he was ever here , I guess.
So all that haunts me and I wished I had someone who loved him and tells me nice stories of him.
All I have are shattered, long distance memories and fantasy.
that makes me a little lonely somtimes.
I wished I would have known him better.
I miss you Dad!

when I talked to a counselor lady- I said: it feels so virtual and made up for me- when I am thinking of my Dad-
there was always a big tabu zone around him- mostly coming from my mother- my dad committed suicide after their divorce- and she probably felt guilty about it ? and so it was difficult for me to keep him in vivid memory.
and I only knew him for the first eight/nine years of my life- then my parents got divorced- and I hardly ever met him after that.
his death and especially that he killed himself did hurt me deep and still does- and I wished we had had more time together- I know it would have mad a difference in his life and mine.
and I miss you dad!
so the counselor said: your dad is not virtual- your tears are not and you and your brother are proofing that something very beautiful and unique came out of the love of your parents-
he is big part of you and I think about that- she is right- I have a lot from him and am happy about that.
Thank you daddy for my height (180cm) and my long legs-
my love for nature and plants and my sense of humour.
and thanks for being there as long as you could.
You would love to join me in the garden! and you would be proud of what I planted already!
I know a very nice man from work: Ramon from Chile- a very upright, honest clean man with a heart of gold-
he has wonderful children (I know most of them) and sometimes I like to think of him as a Father for me in a more philosophical way- I really like his character and lifestyle- he got married two years ago to his second wife- and invited me to his wedding- I went there and it was an amazingly easygoing party with half chilean and half austrian people.
Met him Saturday at the flea market- and loved every minute of our talking!
and then there is my bfs dad- who is also a sweetheart whon welcomed me to his family with love and open arms.
So there are also some living fathers for me.
and my real dad- not a virtual one! Just not wih me anymore- bur still part of me!
I love you Dad and Ramon and Robert one and two.

I worked hard on January 26th- and where I worked were quite big posters with the date because it was a political- election campaign kick off- and I thought of him everytime I saw the printed date.
I do miss him and wished I would have known him better-it would have been his 62nd bithday. and he left us at the age of 37.
incredible how long ago that happened-
he will always be a part of me- and thinking of him on “normal” days is good for me- then I know he is with me.
I inherited the love for animals and plants from him- and he would definitely feel well in my garden- we would plant tomatoes or potatoes or salad together-and he would help me repair the garage roof-
my brother offered to help me in the house which is so nice of him- he will help me with the roof and I am grateful and happy for that.
and we will go on a nice weekend trip together soon- mom, my brother and me.

this photo means a lot to me-
it shows me as a little girl with my dad- he is holding a cat for me to caress- and we look so happy-
I love seeing the picture- helps me thinking a heartwarming thought of him.
miss you daddy!