I am suffering from hardcore ennui. No matter how much I try to switch up my daily routine, or try out new hobbies, or change my perspective, I can’t shake the senseless frustration and the mental vacancy. I can’t find something to get excited about. I can’t figure out the next course on which to take my life (I’m at a fork in the road, currently). There are so many possibilities, but instead of being exhilarated by this, I’m…apathetic? What gives? This is my chance! I should take it an run with it!
I feel like I’m chained into a reclined position by slothfulness, and that there’s a slowly-moving Chance that is drifting by. I’m desperately reaching out to it on some level, but my more dominant actions are simply watching it pass by and not doing anything about it. It’s not that doing nothing is easier than doing something—it’s actually a lot harder. I know I would suffer less by taking the plunge, but it just doesn’t seem to be worth the energy.
I tried photography tonight, which I haven’t done actively in a year. That didn’t really help, so I tried playing a bit of guitar. No go, there, either. Then I tried painting, just like I had been planning to do to Bloom and Grow. But I was left feeling pretty apathetic and uninspired, and after painting the first random junk that came to mind I sat down and wrote a poem. I’m not going to post it here, because I’m no poet, but I bet you can guess how effective these endeavors were…
Zilch. Zip. Nada. My mind is a tabula rasa, and someone seems to have sprayed it with some anti-chiseling, anti-painting formula. 1 day ago