look someone in the eye and be vulnerable

he makes it safe to be vulnerable.
and tomorrow i drive 1000 miles away.
what a mess.

the trust that was just starting to push through the soil. it needed a little more time to take root before taking a blow.
it’s trying to recover, nervously.
it’s trying to recover, with small scars, not permanent damage.

hope for sunshine and water in the next few crucial days.

i feel
foolish
like a little girl
again
ashamed
even though i didn’t do anything
(this time).
i was feeling my insides beginning to open up
even though i hadn’t told you yet
which left an easy mark
on my heart.
it’s my fault
again
for not telling you
that i felt that way.

isn’t it funny how oftentimes my friends have my epiphanies for me? this happens all the time with my little sister. she somehow is always right; really that ought to get my goat but it doesn’t. she doesn’t do it in a gloating way – it just usually turns out that her first take on a situation was right. i think she picks up on my behaviors, and evaluates it based on whether or not she likes how i’m responding to it. plain and simple. i wish i was able to have that perspective myself, but for now, i’m just grateful for her. :)

but for this goal, the epiphany came from a close friend (who endeavors to be more than a friend) during a conversation about an ex. he wanted to know the story leading up to how my dad ran over my ex boyfriend with his car.

_{just to be clear, it was not a ba-bump ba-bump ran over, more of a knock-him-over tap, which was hard-earned, but that makes this a much longer story. hilarious in retrospect, not so much at the time…}

at any rate, we were then talking about the aftermath of the car scene, the “dark room scene” where my mom wouldn’t speak to me unless i came into the room where she sat, in total darkness. i was so appalling to her, she could not bear to look at me.

_{she didn’t even know what had happened! she was NOT close to my life, she was judging me without knowing key facts, and the reason she didn’t know key facts was because I KNEW she was going to judge me for them, with religious fanaticism to boot! instead of the compassion i needed in my most vulnerable time, she heaped the worst kind of shame upon me. to this day, she still does not know, and it would probably kill her to know what i know. i don’t think there is any going back. truly, i have not been able to forgive her for that pivotal moment.}

{deep breath}

after this, my friend quips, “so, ya think THAT might have something to do with needing the lights off [to be vulnerable]?”

ha! well f*ck me for not noticing before. how funny is that? i’m so grateful that i have other people there to connect the dots for me.

this epiphany isn’t going to lead to instant change, but at least it’s insight.

Sometimes I can say what it is I need to say when I’m on the phone. Less often I can say it with the lights off.

On the few occasions when the lights are on I say it matter-of-factly, from behind a shield, like it is about someone else. Or turn my back, or look at the ceiling, or the couch. While clutching a pillow across my chest. Anywhere but eyes.

This is going to be very, very hard.