find my faith

I was born into a religious family. They were strict with making sure that I studied religion weekly. When I was 15, I rebelled and decided that I needed to separate from all the dogma, and rigidity.

I began investigating other religions from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buhdism. I realized recently that it’s not about following these set paths. The path toward your connection with The Divine is very personal.

I can see the validity in every religion and they are all gateways. At the same time, they can be detrimental and even hinder one’s ability to get in touch with infinite intellegence.

Even the scientific minded person can develop this faculty. You learn that there is very little difference between science and religion when you step into the realm of understanding.

If you find yourself imposing your beleifs on others, making threats, or causing them any harm you are not in balance with The Divine. You are simply caught in a fantasy that is doing you and others harm. You will know you have it when you feel a sense of wholeness, love and compassion for everyone and everything.

I got a book. I dug it. We’ll see.

I know that typically what I am looking for can’t be found in a book but since books are what I’m comfortable with, I thought I’d explore some different options…...I need to find it however I can right? I think, inherently, it’s in there…..I just need to reconnect…...we’ll see how it goes…....sure can’t hurt to try.

i haven’t completed this goal just yet but i found a quote i think fits my belief on this matter:

“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief”

funny, but i think i found this quote from another 43thinger…not sure who,though, but at least i know I’m not alone on this…

I was sitting at my parents this afternoon watching a program about the Lake District (such a great place). One of the things mentioned in it was the foundation of the Quakers. It talked briefly about their meetings being held in silence unless they feel the need to speak. That it is time for inward contemplation, to regain calm. I like that idea.

I am sure that I know all the bits and pieces…..just have to put them together. It is certainly find my faith, not find my religion.

To find the church I used to love as a child when everyone seems to want to progress. Alternative just isn’t the same as traditional.

Did you ever have those times when you think you about to lose someone close?

I’ve been having that feeling all for the past week. Ever since this whole…drama went down, I’m suddenly always alone. I don’t know whats worse the fact I’m always alone in a house full of people or the fact I won’t do anything about it.

Today is my father’s birthday…and that’s the one thing that has been flooding my mind all day. I keep asking myself what I would do today if my father were still alive. Would I call him and wish him a happy birthday? Would I have taken him to lunch? Would I even want to send him a card? Or would I just ignore it all together?

What would I do if my father were still alive? That question has stayed in my thoughts for years now. I keep thinking maybe I could have reconnected with him at some point and had the father I secretly longed for all my life. I keep thinking back to when I was a child and how I would day dream of the “father daughter moments” I was missing out on. I ask myself what kind of person would I be if he was actually in my life?

All these “what ifs” and “maybes” build up in my mind and it hurts to know that I won’t ever have those moments or that I will never truly know the man who helped bring me into the world.

It hurts so much to think about all the times I had pushed him away. I can pray all I want for another chance and I will never get that chance. I will never have those moments I’ve dreamed of and I will never know what kind of person I would be if I had just tried.

I was sitting in my living room the other day and a song came on the radio. “The blower’s daughter” By Damien Rice a very beautiful song. I was sort of spacing out, staring at this pack of Marbello cigarettes, I had a sudden flash back to a man named Lance. He was a very good friend of my mom’s and admittedly my only father figure as a child, he died of AIDS.

I thought back to all those times he would walk around the house in his underwear with his sunglasses on and an unlit cig hanging so carelessly from his mouth. I thought about every time he and my mom would laugh about nothing in particular and how I wished so much that I could hear his voice again. (I’ve long since forgotten what he sounds like) And the warmth of his embrace, I think I miss that most of all.

All these thoughts rushed so quickly into my mind all I could do was cry. I couldn’t help but look at that red and white box and think of him, I wished he could see me now. His little chicken all grown up and having already left the nest, I could help but wonder if he would be proud of me or what he would say to cheer me up at that very moment.

It made me dislike God to think about all those times and what could have been. But I guess I can’t be mad about it now, it’s been…10 years? Maybe more, since he died and that was my first time crying about it. It felt good to finally let it out, so now it’s a standing question. Is this a set back in my goal or a step forward?