get rid of all the negative energy in my life

I have been told to bless your home with holy water.

I think I feel pretty confident in marking this as done. Not that I think I’ve eradicated all the bad mojo from my life, but I do think I’ve found the way to handle it that’s best for me.

I just don’t deal with it.

I’ve kind of developed a negative-energy radar, and when it goes off, I split. With the thing with the overtly sexual nasty coworker, I didn’t sit and worry about it. I decided it was best for me to just deal with it decisively, I did and now it’s over. I just don’t need all that extra hassle, you know? I’ve been keeping my mind brain zeroed in on the things I need to do for me, and past that, well, it just doesn’t come into play. I’m a busy girl, and it was too damn exhausting to be handling all my biznass and worrying about everyone else’s or everyone else’s opinion of my life.

So…I gave up, and so far, my negative energy force field hasn’t let me down. I’m a lot less stressed for one thing, and I’m not getting my feelings hurt nearly as often. Case in point: Last night during the party, I was told that G is pretty pissed at me. It seems that despite the fact I’ve encouraged him every way I know how to really go for it with his new (old lady) chick, he thinks I’ve been doing a bad job of it.

Well what-the-fuck-ever… I was doing the best I knew how to do, being really positive and encouraging and all that jazz, and it wasn’t good enough for him. So screw it. I’m not going to sit around and wonder what I did wrong and try my best to make it up to him. I am fully confident in the fact I did nothing wrong, so the problem (and all its accompanying negative energy) is his. I ain’t playing that game no more, yo.

I love my friends. You know I do. They’ve been my partners in crime, my shoulders to cry on, my Guitar Hero bandmates and part of what we all call “our not-so-traveling family sideshow.” They are also my personal security team, which apparently has decided to turn the dogs loose…on me!

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve got not one single ally in this whole “should she have seen Christopher?” mess. Not one. In the span of one week, I’ve gone from being everyone’s golden girl to…well…the red-headed stepchild. It seems like I’m being condemned and scolded and mocked every way I turn, and the fire keeps spreading.

At first, I told one friend about talking to him. The next day, all but one (G) knew about it. OK, whatever, they’re talking about me ‘cause they’re worried. I hung out with Christopher one night and made a point of not mentioning it to them the next day. I figured I’d let a sleeping dog lie, you know? Over the course of last week, I started realizing that everyone knew my business whether I was talking about it or not. No big deal. I can deal with that. I’ve got nothing to hide. The only reason I didn’t straight up tell G about it was that I knew what his reaction would be, so I figured it was just as well to skip that argument.

Yes, I did spend more time with Christopher than anyone else last week, and yes, I was a bit shady about where I was heading when I left them a couple of nights. “Where you headed to?” “I…uhh…I’ve got an errand to run.” I just couldn’t stand the thought of the way I knew they’d look at me or the things they’d say. Hell, I knew they were worried, but come on, it was my business, my thing I needed to do, you know?

So now Christopher is gone, and I’m being punished. For serious. I am being punished. If it’s not M making a point of telling me everything she hates about him or reminding me of how upset I was, it’s J or N trashing him and telling me (and this is a direct quote I’ve heard twice this weekend) “you know, I really thought you knew better than to be so damn dumb.” G…oh god…he’s the worst, and it’s because he’s not really saying anything. Period. He’s answered my call once in the past week, and that was to tell me “don’t come crying to me when you get hurt again.”

I can’t believe this! I want to kick and scream and cry and point fingers and demand that they stop treating me like an idiot, but really, what good is that going to do? I know they’re acting like this because they care about me, but it’s getting to the point (already) where I don’t care if they care; I just want it to stop! You know, I went through something last week that I need to talk to my friends about. I need someone to sit and listen and let me get this off my chest. Is that selfish? Probably. But I do the same damn thing for them all the time. Now when I need someone to hold my hand and listen, the door has been slammed shut – just because I didn’t do what they told me to.

I’m pissed and I’m hurt and I just don’t know what to do about all this.

Christopher left this morning. We hung out last night until it dragged on into this morning when we both passed out. Saying everything you’ve ever wanted to say to someone in just 8 hours is exhausting. I’m so proud of him for finally taking a real step in a direction that’s going to be good for him for once, but at the same time…I miss him already.

In just four nights, I got used to him all over again. My friends (when they weren’t outright scolding me for seeing him) have been telling me that I was just going to get hurt again. I didn’t. I needed closure on this just as much as he did, and I got it.

I am going to miss him terribly though.

Rarrrrr!!!! I feel so good right now!!!! Yowza!!!!

About an hour and a half ago, Christopher called me. He’s on his meds and not drinking and not getting married and he sounded SO GOOD. I’m not getting my hopes up that he’s going to stay better, but we had a long (sober) conversation, and he gets it now. He finally listened to what I had to say, and we just aired it all out. It wasn’t nasty or hateful or bitter. I told him I want him to get better, and I truly do.

I didn’t feel any of that old spite. I’ve got my fingers crossed that he’s going to make it. After all the craziness that went on between us with the break-ups and the fights and the oddness, we finally got on the same level tonight and agreed to be happy for each other. Separately.

It felt so good to finally say “Hey, I really dug you, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but I’m hoping only good things come your way” and mean it.

I heard the knocking on the door as I got out of the shower this morning. It was Christopher. I let him in the house, hoping we could have a civilized conversation and get rid of everything that ever was, so we could both move on. I have moved on. I am moving on, as we speak, but he, apparently, is not. Pity is never the right motivation for continuing conversations that should have ended months ago. I learned that lesson today.

What started out as small talk ended up turning into a huge brawl at 8 in the freakin’ morning. I tried to get ready for work with him following me around the house asking me if we could try again if he broke off his engagement. In my bedroom, he noticed movie and concert ticket stubs and I felt like I was facing the Spanish Inquisition as I told him who I had gone with and no, I’m not sleeping with them. In the kitchen, I alternated between begging him to leave and offering him coffee. In the living room, he ranted and I raved and threw the tulips he bought me across the room, aiming for his face. I missed.

This man makes me psychotic.

I was fine. I am fine until he shows up somewhere, whether it’s on the phone (calling from a pay phone again, are you?) or at the bar when I’m with my friends (no, thank you, I can buy my own drink) or at my friends’ house (I was just leaving – you can have my seat).

He’s not any better than the last time we spoke. He’s possibly worse, and after everything, that still hurts me. It’s like I still want to take all his pain away even if it hurts me in the process. He’s not stable, and I’m worried. Worried for him and his health. Worried about the fact that he seems to have been keeping tabs on my whereabouts. Worried that every time I feel OK, this THING is going to pop up again and blow me away all over again.

He is the culmination of 26 years of worry and pain and loneliness and feeling like the odd woman out. Every time I see him or hear from him, I feel like I’m 13 all over again, wondering why my father decided to take a suitcase with all his clothes on an afternoon “fishing trip.” He has turned into getting picked last at dodgeball, and having my heart broken by my high school sweetheart, and ending up in a job that can’t satisfy me for long and feeling like there’s a bottomless pit inside me that will never, ever be filled. Hearing this spew of anger that can’t possibly be entirely directed at our history come out of me makes me feel like the weak, insignificant little girl I’ve always suspected I’d never grow out of being.

My negative energy isn’t his fault. He just somehow became the bull’s eye that I feel most comfortable aiming my failures and my pain at. That’s not any closer to healthy than his drinking his mistakes away. It’s easier to blame the fact that I’m currently unhappy on him and how we ended up being an emotional tsunami than it is to face the fact that I’ve got my own issues to deal with, and even when we were good, I was using him as an outlet to do so.

He shouldn’t come around, but really, I shouldn’t keep hanging onto this animosity that for the most part has very, very little to do with him.

Picture me kickin’ along, getting things done, feeling the Christmas vibes, smiling at random people.

Now picture me answering my phone, hearing Christopher tell me about the huge ring he bought for his future wife, about the wedding plans, about how much he adores her.

Picture me crying until I puke during which I’m pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my back.

I’m fine until I talk to him, and then all this negative mumbo-jumbo gets stirred up all over again. So…I’m thinking about blocking his number. It seems immature to me, but I don’t know how else to completely cut him out of my life. Telling him “hey, I want you completely out of my life” hasn’t seemed to work, and I don’t know what else to do. This cycle just isn’t the healthiest I could be in and my damn back hurts like hell (and I’m totally blaming that on him).

Would it be better for me to completely cut things off by blocking his calls or just grow up and deal with this?

I don’t want to be a pansy, but I just don’t think I should have to keep dealing with all this Christopher-induced negative-energy malarkey (i.e., tears and back pain).

Last night I got so mad at G and J that I almost flipped out on them. Christopher is apparently getting married in June to the old lady he met at the She Wants Revenge show a month ago. So what, right? It’s just one more mistake he can add to his list. Well Friday after I went home he asked J and G (two of my very best friends!) to be in his wedding, and they said YES!! I almost wigged out.

If someone you don’t even like asks you to be in their wedding after they have seriously hurt one of your supposedly best friends, shouldn’t you have the decency to say NO? I mean, they say they love me, and they won’t even stick up for me that much? And especially G who has told me he’s in love with me AND is the only other person in the world who knows the entire story of why Christopher is now my mortal enemy (after the whole attempt to “be friends)! I’m really hurt by that, you know? I’m just going to avoid them both until I’m not so angry. BUT when I do talk to them again, I’m going to tell them exactly how that felt to me. I’m not taking anybody’s inconsiderate shit anymore even if it IS theirs. I just need a few days to calm down before I broach the subject. I’m not going to let this fester into something that could ruin two really important relationships, but at the same time, I’m not going to hold it all in and let it hurt me even more.

Guys friends, on occasion, are jackasses.

I am the negative energy? Now that’s a thought.

Lately I’ve been really thinking about how to get my mind in the right place. Things that I did and people I hung out with just out of routine have really come under my mental microscope, and it’s helping. A lot actually.

I’ve been making a conscious effort to attempt to understand the influences that other people have on my attitude and my behavior, and I’m beginning to realize that even though I’m almost 26, I’m still not free from the peer pressure vortex. Going with the flow can be good, but it can also lead you places you don’t want to go. So I’m putting the brakes on. It’s time to get out of the bullshit tornado that has become my life, deal with all the issues and move on.

I’ve got to deal with this G situation soon or it’s going to end up ruining our friendship. It’s not going quietly into that good night like it did last time. It’s festering, and now I feel so uncomfortable that I haven’t called him in about a week. We used to talk 4, 5, 6 times a day, but not anymore. He’s hurt and I feel weird, and it sucks. So that’s the first thing up…getting it all out in the open and seeing where we go from here.

This whole being-an-adult thing can work. Christopher and I are closer than ever and even though some jealousy flaired up Monday night (‘cause Melissa likes to kiss boys…shame, shame…well, I’m SINGLE, damn it!) we’re still OK. I don’t have those negative feelings about the time we spent “together” now. Now I just look forward to the times we can be together and chill. Dealing with things in an open and honest way with him has really shown me that if I would just do that with everyone and everything else, I wouldn’t feel so weighted down with all this negativity and weirdness.

Now if I can just figure out how to broach the subject with G…_{Or maybe I can just put it off some more until things REALLY blow up. Or not…}